Through it all
by JavaJunkieGermany
Summary: Begins a few days after S7E13 "I'd rather be in Philadelphia" When Luke brings a bag of fish to the hospital where Richard Gilmore recovers from a heart attack, Lorelai realizes just how much not only his gesture, but also Luke means to her. Events of season 7 are put into the order I needed them to be. Angst, drama and a healthy touch of sappiness ;-) Updating ASAP
1. You don't come here anymore, remember?

Hey beloved GG folks,

Nice to see you again,

This is my second story.

To me, S7E13 has always been extremly(!) underrated. Luke's fish bag screams ILY like nothing else! From that point on there's so much unused potential to fix a lot of their issues! I just had to try to make things right for the L's. This is my main focus, getting Luke and Lorelai back to the place they should have never left.

(As little of Christopher in that fic as possible!)

Three warnings before we start:

This is going to be emotional and even a little sappy at times. (Is that a bad thing? hmm..) It's the way I see Luke & Lorelai, not just a cute, bantering, smart, easy-going couple, but also deeply broken, confused and a little overwhelmed by the intensity of their feelings for each other. This story will deal with, what I think, were the things we didn't hear or didn't get to see. They were so in love with each other, and even if they screwed up big time, that love doesn't just go away.

This story is also going to be sad. I have to admit, even though it's not an easy topic, I wanted the story to be like that from the moment the idea formed in my head. Character death is involved. If you're not in that emotional place right now, you should probably save it for another time. (But: Even with all the angst and drama, this will -of course- turn out JavaJunkie. I'm not a monster, I love my alltime-favorite OTP!)

The whole thing is a little AU, but nothing that couldn't have happened on the show. I had to change the GG season 7 timeline a little to make it fit into my own order of events. Bear with me here. At least I save you from that god awful Christmas celebration they forced us to endure.

 _(Thoughts/memories in italic.)_

So since you survived my babbling, here's a cookie,

sit down now, snuggle up in a cozy blanket, have some tea or coffee, relax.

I hope you enjoy,

here it is:

* * *

 _Through it all_

\- Chapter 1 - You don't come here anymore, remember? -

She took a deep breath. Her heart was beating heavy in her chest in an unhealthy and unsteady rhythm. She was sure she would take the next step. Or wouldn't she?

Today would be the first time in about 6 months that Lorelai Gilmore would set foot into Luke's Diner.

Her right hand clutched to the strap of her purse while on her left hand her wedding band burned a line of guilt and regret into her finger, her whole hand actually, as she gripped the handle of the front door and closed it behind her.

She closed her eyes for a second and the crisp fall air helped her clear her senses.

The sky was gloomy and grey, the sun had troubles breaking through the clouds. Early morning fog was rising all around her and the trees were losing more and more of their once so pretty orange and red, now withered brown leaves these days.

As she was trying to relive the events of the last week, she took one careful step at a time. She was working up the courage to just get through this now.

She hadn't thanked Luke enough yet. The tiny precious moment they had shared was interrupted before they even had a chance to really recognize it.

 _He was driving around Connecticut to fulfill her crazy mother's obscure wishes. None of them had expected him to be there. He wasn't asked to do it. And maybe it was nothing he should have done. Nothing he needed to have done in the first place._

 _But it was just what he did, because no matter what had happened between them, he was Luke Danes._

A shiver ran through her.

She should have known.

He'd always be her best friend. They screwed up badly, but he was man and human enough to let it pass, suck it up and be there for her and her family. No questions asked.

 _Once Luke Danes is in your life, he's in your life forever._

Fallen leaves were rustling under her feet as she crept closer to the Diner. A wistful smile appeared on her face as she was half-waving at neighbors and townies crossing her path.

None of them knew, how broken she felt.

None of them knew, how badly she wanted to turn back time.

None of them knew, that Luke brought a fish bag to the hospital where Richard Gilmore was fighting for his life.

And none of them knew, what it meant. What it meant to her. What Luke still meant to her.

The wedding band that Christopher had given her was heavy on her finger. She didn't even feel like wearing it most of the times. It was uncomfortable and nowhere near as beautiful and special as the one that Luke had given her, what seemed like a lifetime ago. She still kept it in her jewelry box. Under layers of ridiculously expensive but meaningless Tiffany items, all purchased by her husband, she kept Luke's ring hidden like a treasure. It was her secret to keep. Her hell to deal with. Every once in a while she took it out to look at it. With tears in her eyes she then lined the delicate engraving with her finger. ' _Forever – L.'_

 _And that's when she usually started crying. 'Forever' ended sooner than she would have ever expected. 'Forever' was a lie. Just like the lie that was painfully tightening around her ring finger now. A new promise that was meant to replace the previous one. The old dent hadn't even vanished when he put the new ring on her finger. But Christopher's ring, or love, or presence could never replace the void Luke had left behind, when she walked away from him that awful night in May._

When she had almost reached the town square, its beautifully decorated Gazebo in the center drawing all attention to it, her thoughts went back to the character reference, she had given to Luke just mere days before Richard's heart attack. The fateful piece of paper that sounded so much like a love letter. She had meant every word. And Christopher hated it. He hated it, he feared it, because every word was true. And as unreasonable and childish as he could be, he knew Lorelai. He knew her emotions, and he knew, that they were real and strong and always came straight from her heart. Lorelai and Luke were not done. And they would probably never be.

From afar she saw a dozen people huddling in front of the Diner's closed front door.

A strange memory flashed in front of her eyes. Major déjà-vu moment.

She tried to remember the exact date as she had been living in some sort of a fog for the last couple of weeks.

When she heard Miss Patty's high-pitched voice yell something in her direction, it dawned on her.

' _Tomorrow's the anniversary of my dad's death.'  
'Oh, hon.'  
'And every year on that anniversary I, uh, I disappear. I don't work. I don't talk to anyone. I get in this kind of a funk. Its like I'm –'  
'You have a dark day.'_  
It was November 30th.

Lorelai's stomach flipped and made her feel all nauseous. She had completely forgotten about it.

 _Last year she made a promise. She told Luke she would never again let him live through one of his dark days alone. At least not through all of it._

 _They agreed that sitting at a lake in the nasty and cold November weather, watching him fish while complaining about her boots getting soaked was not a thing she should be participating in. But as usual, Luke had caved and told her about the other little ritual he had established to get him through that day._

 _He only went to visit him once a year, in the safety of the setting sun, on November 30th. He wasn't too fond of the idea at first and he felt slightly uncomfortable when she was standing by his side, holding his hand for support and comfort. She listened to him pour out his heart to the cracked, overgrown grave stone at William Danes' last resting place. She watched Luke tell his father everything that had happened over the course of the last year. How he and Lorelai were engaged, how happy he was, how much he wished his old man could be there to watch them get married and have a family of their own. He finally got the girl! Luke told his dad how much he missed his mom and how both of them would have loved Lorelai and Rory. Through it all Luke didn't shed any tears, but Lorelai did._

 _She sobbed like a little child who had lost her favorite and only teddy bear._

 _How she got so lucky to have a man that strong, that solid, but also so caring and sweet, she would never know._

 _Then he kneeled down and laid a single white rose on the old ivy-covered grave._

 _Later that night, when they had gotten home, she fell into an uneasy sleep, pretty sure to have heard him sob._

 _Luke knew about April then. But Lorelai didn't._

 _Now she was sure, Luke had shed these tears because of her. With Lorelai being there at the cemetery with him, he wasn't able to tell his father about the granddaughter he suddenly had._

 _What a secret to keep…_

"Lorelai, honey?" Miss Patty asked as she came closer, eyeing her with a suspicious look on her face.

Coming back from memory lane, she tried hard to ignore her pounding heart and to focus on the people staring at her.

"Hey." She said carefully.

"What are you doing here? You can't have your old stool back. You don't come here anymore, remember?" Kirk stated unceremoniously.

An annoyed Taylor chimed in "Nevermind. It's closed anyway. Because apparently Lucas still holds on to that 'dark day' of his." Air quotes and a mocking tone accompanied his words. Lorelai shot him a look that told him to better shut it.

"Yeah honey, I'm sorry. Did you want to go in? We haven't seen you around here for quite a long time." Miss Patty's reproachful undertone wasn't lost on Lorelai.

She sighed. _What did I do?_ "I know. I'm sorry."

"Oh don't be, we know you have a lot on your mind." Miss Patty tried again, way friendlier than before. Lorelai knew, she wasn't just referring to the last couple of weeks, but she was thankful for the way out of this whole reoccurring 'Christopher-is-so-not-right-for-you-and-we-don't-like-him-but-we-won't-say-it-out-loud' bullshit the town gave her whenever they saw her with him.

"Yeah. That's true!" Another sad smile crossed her face.

"So how is your father? I heard the likeliness of this happening again in the days after the incident is quite high." _Why did Kirk not have any social skills at all?_

Another sigh. "Yes, unfortunately that's right and we have to wait and see how his body will respond to the medication and the heart surgery. Bypass surgery is a pretty big deal and we're not entirely safe yet."

Patty touched Lorelai's arm in a compassionate manner and winked "Oh dear, he'll be fine. He's a big, strong man! He'll be back to his gorgeous self in no time!"

Not wanting to discuss this any further, she started to turn around to leave. "I hope you're right. Thanks, Patty!" The dance teacher gave her another pitiful look and before she would ask the question Lorelai feared and didn't have an answer to, she turned and headed towards the Dragonfly.

The hours ticked by painfully slowly that day.

Lorelai didn't get Luke off her mind, no matter how hard she tried.

November 30th. She made a promise and it wasn't like her to not stick to it.

But things were different now.

Their 'Forever' turned into a 'Once upon a time' and wasn't even a 'Maybe someday' anymore. As she was thinking of Luke and William Danes, a man she would have loved, she was sure of that, the fear of losing her own dad was stronger than ever. They may have never been the closest and most affectionate of people, but they truly loved each other. That much was clear. And even though Kirk was being an ass, he was right. The doctors had told the Gilmore women, the risk of Richard having another heart attack, and a more severe one too, was increasing, since this hadn't been his first coronary disease and his heart was extremly weak right now. Neither of them talked about it after that. Avoiding reality became a habit for all of them. They just kept themselves busy with running errands, talking to insurance and fish delivery people.

And as fast as that, she was back to the moment that had been nagging at her for days now. The moment when she had spotted him at the hospital's reception, holding big bags of lovely selfmade junk food and the biggest bag possible containing all sorts of gross, but undoubtedly healthy sea fish.

' _I just wanted to drop off some food for you guys and get going.' Her heart sank.  
'Luke you didn't have to do that.' She felt like someone was sitting on her chest, making it hard for her to breathe.  
'No, it's all right. I wanted to make some stuff anyway, so... all right, I'm gonna get out of here now.' He didn't move._

 _It was the way they were locking eyes, old lovers, even older friends, the way he still poured his heart and soul into every smile he gave her. It made her sad, how Luke probably thought he was no longer in the position to ask about her dad's condition. It was not his place to be, not anymore and it shouldn't bother him. His eyes told her differently. They always gave him away.  
'He's okay. The surgery went well.' She smiled at his almost inaudible, relieved gasp.  
'Oh, that's terrific. That is such good news!' _

_His wide, dazzling smile hit her like an 18 wheeler truck. Deep blue oceans beamed at her. They almost blinded her. He was so sweet, so honest and caring. Her wedding band burned another mark of regret into her finger._

 _What the hell did I do?_

' _You brought a fish bag?'  
'Well I heard somebody talking about fish. There's two fillets, okay… Lobster roll, fish tacos, two Tuna-fish sandwiches, some fried fish, and fish sticks.'_

 _Her appreciation of him in that moment grew with each word._

 _And if Christopher wouldn't have interrupted the scene, Lorelai was sure she would have fallen to pieces right in front of Luke. She now knew, she could always count on him. That stinking, leaking bag of fish was his way of saying 'I still love you.' It cut her in two and again her breath got stuck in her throat. Nobody else may have looked at it this way, but it was as simple as that. He still cared. Luke Danes always lets his actions speak. And they were louder and clearer than any words could have ever been._

"Honey?" Sookie poked her arm with a worried frown. "Are you lost in dreamland again?"

Torn from her daze Lorelai looked at her best friend and just shrugged a little. The chef knew that look on her face. Everytime Lorelai was staring into the great wide nothing, she was rubbing and turning her wedding ring absently. Sookie knew about most of Lorelai's emotional ups and downs, and she was sure, that her friend had made the most wrong decision possible by marrying Christopher. Or getting back together with him, or sleeping with him in the first place. But there was nothing she could do about all of that now. Not much anyway. "Lorelai, sweetie, go home, ok? You've had a rough couple of days. Your dad had a heart attack last week. Nobody expects you to be here right now. Take care of your family, rest, take a nap, visit your dad. But please, don't come here and try to act tougher than you are. You don't need to be tough right now! You're allowed to cry and wallow, you know." Lorelai wasn't so sure if Sookie was still talking about Richard or if she was referring to what she had told Sookie about Luke helping them out and Christopher's absence following the finding of the character reference and throughout most of their stay at the hospital.

Lorelai was tired. It was only 5 pm but she was beyond ready to go home, fall into her bed and sleep through until the next morning. Or until next week. _Next year might be nice too!_

"Look Sookie, I-" she was interrupted "Uh-uh-uh! you go home now Lorelai Gilmore! And you don't come back here until your dad is home, safe and sound! I insist!"

A slow half-smile crept over her face. "Man, when did you get so bossy?"

"There are a lot of things you kinda missed in the last months…" Ouch. The fast mouth striked again. But as much as it hurt, Sookie was right.

Lorelai nodded weakly, kept her head down and whispered a quiet "I know."

Sookie gave her a quick, but comforting hug and sympathetically touched her shoulders. Looking her friend straight in the eyes, she pleaded "Lorelai, you really need a break! Please go and only come back when you're really ready." Suddenly she mustered up a new sense of courage, gestured to Lorelai's reddened finger and said "And you might wanna take that off, you know, just for a little while."

Lorelai only nodded and left to go home.

As she was walking down the streets of her nutty little town she noticed the sun was already setting. At some point the clouds must have broken open today to let the last rays of sunshine ease some of the depressiveness of this particular day. The beautiful light and bright colors of the season still gave their best to make it seem like nothing was wrong in the world. But fall turned into winter these days and the brisk air rustling through Stars Hollow's old majestic trees made her shiver.

She felt like she was getting a sore throat and her headache did nothing to make her walk home any easier. Usually she enjoyed these walks. On some days she left the Jeep at home and while walking home after work, she took the time to take in all of the beauty of nature this time of the year had to offer. Stars Hollow in fall was magical. Twinkle lights, festivals, boots, hats, coats, happy times at home, snuggled up in a cozy blanket, enjoying junk food and old movies.

Lorelai sighed and hurried some more to get home and into a nice hot, soothing bubble bath.

 _She remembered the first night she was able to convince a protesting, eye-rolling Luke to join her in the hot, but pleasant water, all lathered up in peach vanilla foam. She made him a foam beard and something that, in her crazy head, was supposed to be a backwards baseball foam cap. They kissed and laughed, embraced in each others warmth, until the water had gotten cold. Life was good. They were happy._

All of a sudden she wondered if Christopher would be home. He wasn't around much these days. Or in general. They tried to look at other places, but truth be told, Lorelai just didn't want to leave Stars Hollow or even just move out of her house. The house that Luke and her had remodeled for months to grow some plants and a family in. She smiled at the memory. The Twickham house would have been the only other house she could have ever imagined herself living in, besides her own house, the home she had created for Rory and herself throughout the years. The house, that Luke single-handedly kept from falling apart more times than she could count. The house, that was so big and so cold now. Ruined by a Plasma TV and smearings of a bratty four year old on the old wooden floor. Her house wasn't her home anymore. Not without Luke living in it.

' _It's like, it's not even real to me, it's like my life isn't even real to me unless you're there and you're in it and I'm sharing it with you.'_

Tears threatened their way up. Of course all these old feelings were only brought up again because Luke popped up in her life a lot more since he had asked for help when April was sick. It was only because of that. They would pass. _Or wouldn't they?_

 _We are over. I needed it to be over._ Lorelai still hated herself for what she had done. And as badly as Luke had treated her the months before their break up, what she did to him was so much worse. It was the shittiest thing she had ever done to anyone. And she did it to Luke of all people. As much as he had hurt her before, he didn't deserve it. She had broken his trust. She had broken him, and both of their hearts. She kept kicking herself for not talking to him, when it mattered the most. All she ever did was talk, and usually she was good at it. But being her hurt and stubborn, and sometimes a little selfish self, she decided it had to be over. So she did the one thing she knew Luke would probably never forgive her.

' _It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's just, we're not right together, you know? You're you, I'm me. I just… want to stop pretending we're something else. You don't belong with me. You belong with someone like Christopher. and I just... let's just stop fighting it, okay? And you go back to being Lorelai Gilmore. I'll go back to being the guy in the diner who pours your coffee.'_

One hot tear finally spilled over as she was regretting all over again what she had done to him, to them, the night she went to Christopher.

When she felt that stream of tears get dry and cold in the chilly, early evening air, she used the back of her right hand to wipe them away, while her left hand still burned a hole into the pocket of her coat.

Lorelai took a deep breath and tried to focus on what to do next.

She wasn't in the mood for talking, or seeing Christopher just yet, so she started walking slower again.

But even in that steady pace her heels were hitting the rough old pavement hard and made her headache increase by the second.

The fall sun was now fully set and it was getting colder instantly, as she passed by the well known old brick walls to her left. Something inside her made her slow down even more. When she knew she had reached the old heavy iron portal, she lifted her head, took a deep breath and stopped moving entirely.

 _You don't come here anymore, remember?_


	2. Luke Danes

Hey lovelies,

thanks for reviewing and following my story! The next chapters are already done and will be posted over the next 2-3 weeks. I guess we'll land on 9-10 chapters in total. Now, shall we continue this little ride?

Alright, let's go! (Let me know what you think ;-) )

* * *

\- Chapter 2 - Luke Danes -

 _Lucas William Danes was a quiet and humble kid. Usually he was a little too introverted and serious. He always worried too much for a kid his age, which drove his mother crazy from time to time._

 _Katherine Elizabeth Danes was a modest, down-to-earth housewife, who was dearly loved by her husband William. They were high school sweethearts and the epitome of the picture perfect couple. They balanced each other out, Katherine being the chatty, happy, optimistic one, while William was a dedicated, hard working, sometimes a little too grumpy kind of man. She brought out the best in him and made him smile while he kept her grounded and made her feel safe. One of the things they had in common was a big heart and absolute devotion towards the people they loved and cared about._

 _In the mid 1960's their first child Lucas was born, a few years later a little girl, Elizabeth, followed._

 _Well-protected Luke and Liz grew up in Stars Hollow and soon enough it was obvious that the siblings couldn't be any more different. While Luke was perfectly content with their upbringing, the typical american small town life wasn't enough for Liz. She started acting out, then ran away and constantly surrounded herself with all the wrong people. While Luke and his mother tried to help Liz through all her struggles the best they could, William Danes hid behind his work in the hardware store he had built up all by himself. But business wasn't what it used to be, as all these Home Depot's were popping up out of thin air all over Connecticut and they were slowly, but surely dragging away his customers._

 _Katherine had been diagnosed with breast cancer right after Luke had started high school and the medical bills for her treatment were eating away the little money the family had saved over the years. While Katherine's condition worsened, William noticed he was feeling weak, out of breath and having headaches more and more often. He feared going to see a doctor, because he knew, the money they had left wouldn't be enough to even get a prescription for some pain killers. The months went by._

 _Luke took over more and more responsibilities. He took care of his family, every minute he wasn't in school or with the track team, was spent at home, supporting his mom and dad with whatever was necessary. Early on his mother had taught him how to bake and cook, a chore he actually really loved and which the two of them enjoyed doing together for as long as possible._

 _Katherine died one beautiful autumn night in 1983._

 _Weeks earlier, William and Luke had brought her home to die in peace, surrounded by her loved ones. It was not an easy or pleasant time, but it was the right thing to do._

' _Don't ever make her doubt your love!' That saying was imprinted into Luke's brain. Almost daily his father reminded him of these words._

 _Luke was sure, there hadn't been one day, that his mom ever had to doubt William's love for her. She died in his arms, while Luke held her hand. Between their joined hands, he held her golden wedding ring. Katherine had held onto it, until the very last moments of her life before giving it to her beloved son this very evening. She told him to give to 'the one', to 'treat her right' and to 'never make her doubt his love'._

 _A few weeks after his mother had died, Luke found out Liz was pregnant and had run off to New York to be with a new shady boyfriend of hers._

 _In order to make some extra money to fill up the family's savings account, Luke worked extra hours in the hardware store._

 _While he did, his dad had to go to treatment. He was diagnosed with an aggressive form of lung cancer just weeks before his wife's passing. He hadn't told Luke or Katherine, he always just said, he was out, looking for jobs, handyman work for neighbors and friends._

 _They were struggling financially and soon William wasn't able to hide his health condition any longer. When he started coughing blood and passed out in the middle of Taylor Doose's newly opened grocery store, Luke realized something was very wrong._

 _But being the fighter he was, William wouldn't give up just like that. The two men lived from day to day the best they could. Luke was taking every job he could get to make a living for his dad and himself. He turned down a scholarship from a prestigious sports college in New York and eventually quit running track entirely._

 _In summer of 1984 Liz gave birth to her baby, a healthy boy with a full head of adorable black hair. She named him Jess._

 _When Jess had just turned one, Liz showed up at the office above the hardware store. The Danes men had turned it into an apartment, they now shared in order to save money. All she had with her was her baby boy, a tiny bag of clothes, some formula and the brown leather jacket that once belonged to Luke. She was doing drugs, Luke could tell._

 _A few days later he woke up to a crying Jess, rolling around in the wooden basinet that his uncle had built for him. Next to him lay a note, all it said was "I'm sorry. – Liz"._

 _Luke was now responsible for his dying father, a constantly crying baby and a hardware store, that was falling apart and wouldn't survive the next business year. He thought about changing businesses to something more profitable. Maybe a place where people could eat. Cooking was fun, and people always had to eat, right? An old fashioned Diner, nothing fancy. But since he knew, the hardware store was his dad's life's work, he just couldn't bring himself to talk to William about it._

 _Jess Mariano stayed with the Danes' men for almost one year. When William's health condition had worsened to a point where Luke could no longer pretend his dad would make it, he asked Liz to come and say her last goodbyes._

 _His sister and nephew left shortly after his second birthday. Liz had successfully completed a rehab and Luke prayed to god she would stay out of trouble for the rest of her life, for the sake of that little boy and herself._

 _But since he knew her better than that, he said his goodbyes with a very heavy heart._

 _Luke's on-again-off-again girlfriend Rachel had just left town again, when one afternoon in late autumn Luke received a phone call and the world, the only life Lucas Danes had come to know, came to a crashing halt._

 _On November 30th 1986 William Thomas Danes had died._

From the distance one could barely see him standing there.

Heavy branches of old pines and oak trees were swaying in the evening breeze.

The sun had set and nobody else was around.

Luke stood there motionless. _Oh, the difference a year makes._

"Hey dad." He started, always feeling a little weird and uncomfortable at first. "So it's been another year. You've been gone for 20 years... I've spent half my life without you now." Trying not to get too emotional, a bitter laugh escaped him. Deep furrows were marking his handsome face. Luke stared down at his father's grave stone, collecting his thoughts before he got right to the point: "I screwed up dad." He closed his eyes, trying to regain his composure. "I've screwed up so badly… Maybe you uh- notice that-uh… this year I'm here alone. I lost her, dad. I screwed up."

He was silent for a moment. _Is somebody here?_ He looked around but when he saw nothing or no one he turned back around to face his dad's grave and went on: "You know, last year, when Lorelai was here with me, well, I didn't tell you everything I needed to. I couldn't. Because I hadn't even told Lorelai yet, and… yeah, so this is big." He took a breath. "You're a granddad." He finally managed a little smile. He couldn't help it. "Her name is April. You'll never believe, how she found me! She's 13. She's amazing! Super smart, a science fanatic. She'd kick your ass at chess! You'd love her." Still smiling, he turned around again when he heard some leaves rustling behind him.

Figuring it was nothing but the wind, he focused on his confession again:

"So, yeah. That's what I meant to tell you last year. But I couldn't. And that's also the reason I screwed up. I couldn't tell Lorelai either. I was so shocked. This whole.. thing… threw me off the track. I didn't know what to do, how to tell her. So eventually Lorelai found out for herself and of course she was shocked too. But she has been amazing about it. She still is." He took a moment to calm himself down. Memories of the last weeks flashed before him.

 _April. Lorelai. The hospital. The appendicitis. Again Lorelai. The ring on her finger. The Philadelphia story. Anna and April. New Mexico. Doula. Lorelai holding Doula. The character reference. And the words she had chosen._

' _In the nearly 10 years that I have known Luke Danes, I have come to know him as an honest and decent man. He's also one of the most kind and caring persons I have ever met. I'm a single mother, and I raised my daughter by myself, but once Luke Danes became my friend in this town, I never really felt alone. Luke and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but through it all, his relationship with my daughter, Rory, has never changed. He's always been there for her no matter what. He was there to celebrate her birthdays. He was there cheering her on at her high school graduation. Luke has been a sort of father figure in my daughter's life. With his own daughter, Luke wasn't given the opportunity to be there for her first 12 years, but he should be given that opportunity now. Once Luke Danes is in your life, he is in your life forever.'_

 _The words were etched into his brain. He knew them by heart._

 _How did they get so lost?_

"I don't know, why or what I was afraid of. But I kept pushing her away. I tried to keep these two lives separate. I needed some time just to be with April. You know, to get to know her on my own and to make up for lost time… I didn't realize how much I had hurt Lorelai in the process. I never meant to hurt her! I never stopped lo-" The words got stuck in his throat.

He couldn't force them out. They hurt too much.

He took a deep, shaky breath. "So Lorelai and I ended up postponing the wedding again. But that didn't mean I didn't want to marry her. You know how I **always** wait for things to be right. And Lorelai and I were right. I've never wanted anything more in life, than I wanted her. To be with her and get married. I've waited forever for her!" Luke stopped for a moment and closed his eyes. Wet lashes were hit with cold early winter wind.

The first snow of the season would probably be only days away.

"Anna, that's April's mother, and I got into arguments about custody and visitation. She wants to move to New Mexico and take April with her. But of course I won't let her have her way just like that. So we're seeing lawyers now… And I have to wear a tie!" A little smirk appeared on his lips, his voice heavy with irony: "Oh yeah, I'm absolutely loving that!"

His knees cracked a little as he kneeled down and with his free hand he pushed some leaves and withered ivy aside. Lost in thought he lined some of the letters and numbers written on the cold grave stone, to clean them up a little. He laid one single white rose down as his voice turned serious again: "Lorelai and I broke up. We're not together anymore. I handled everything wrong, dad. All of it…" he shook his head weakly. "She's uh- she's married now. That idiot doesn't even deserve her. He's Rory's father, not that he ever put any effort into being one in the first place. But she's with him now. And I guess part of this, if not all of it, is my fault. She didn't wanna be pushed aside any longer. She wanted what I had promised her. The big wedding. The house. The kids. The happily ever after. But when she begged me to see it and just do it, I let her walk away." He was silent as he let the painful memories of that awful night in May wash over him.

Her desperate expression still haunted him every day.

' _I can't just jump like this.  
'Well, I'm sorry to hear that… And I have to go.'_

"I promised mom, the night she died, that if I ever found _'the one'_ , that I would treat her right and that she would never have to doubt my love for her." Luke got up from his kneeling position. Old foliage was once again rustling under the weight of his boots. The muscles in his jaw flexed, he swallowed the lump that got stuck in his throat. "But I failed, dad. I failed mom, and you, and I failed Lorelai." He could barely get her name out. He hadn't been that close to tears in forever, but he was struggling now.

Suddenly he heard a noise from behind him. Before he could even turn around his big rough hand was being picked up by a much softer, much smaller and much colder one.

Peach. Vanilla.

"You didn't fail me."

"Lorelai?" he stared at her in disbelief, his heart was pounding, his mind racing.

Her beautiful but sad blue eyes were glistening with yet unshed tears. The world stood still for just a second as he tried to remember how to breathe.

"Luke, you never failed me." She told him again.

She was the first to break the eye contact when she dared to look at the grave stone for the first time. Luke continued looking at her, taking in her form, her scent, her warmth. This hadn't been made up by his imagination. _She was really here._

Her hand, so cold, so small, so soft, right there in his hand, it felt good. It felt right. They felt right. They didn't speak, they didn't move. Around them the night got colder and darker still.

"Thank you." Luke finally whispered, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

If Lorelai would have been able to put all her emotions into words, they still would have come out as nonsense. She didn't really know how she had gotten here. It felt like some higher power was making her take the steps and hide behind that big old tree. As she watched Luke from a safe distance she didn't dare to utter a word or even take a deep breath. She didn't want to interrupt his moment with his dad. And maybe, just maybe she was also scared and a little curious too about what he was going to say. From where she was hiding, all she could see were his broad shoulders, the muscular back, neatly stuffed into the all too familiar worn out green army jacket. She saw his hair, which had gotten a bit too long and was already curling at the nape of his neck. And of course his head was covered by a backwards baseball cap. The ugly, black one. She hated the thing.

The longer she listened, the more she felt like intruding his privacy. She knew that Luke would have never said one of these things out loud. And especially not for anyone to hear. It just wasn't like him. A sad smile crossed her face. _Maybe I should have just forced him to._

When she heard him say the word "love" she snapped out of her daze, her heart hammering in her chest.

' _You brought a fish bag?'_

'… _and I failed Lorelai.'_

And just like the night exactly one year ago, she noticed he was struggling with tears.

But this year, tonight, she wouldn't let him deal with them alone.

Her choice to step out of the shadow of the massive oak tree was a conscious one.

His hand was flexing into a fist back and forth. A nervous habit she saw him have since the first time they had met.

' _You will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away.'_

 _I won't go away again._

' _Luke, you never failed me.'_

After a while both of them couldn't ignore the decreasing temperatures any longer.

Both their bodies were shivering from the cold nightly air around them.

Lorelai's headache was creeping back in and Luke shifted beside her awkwardly.

They had only looked at each other for a few seconds, after Lorelai had stepped out from behind the tree and had just taken his hand to calm him down and comfort him.

Now she was almost crawling directly into his deep blue oceans. His eyes were so beautiful. So telling. And she knew he saw the same feelings reflected in her own eyes. So many questions. So full of hurt, so full of love. And so so tired.

"Let's get you home!" Luke finally said hoarsely. The choice of words and his deep rough voice were sending shivers down her spine. _It doesn't feel like home anymore!_

Lorelai remembered what mess was waiting for her at said _home_ and decided she still wasn't ready to go there just yet.

"Luke, umm-" She cleared her throat. The lump there just wouldn't disappear. It felt like it never would. "Can we, can you- umm, I-I could really need some coffee:" _Safest thing to say._

And then he smiled. And again she was hit by this gorgeous, loving smile of his, it knocked her off her feet. To be honest, she needed a little something more than coffee. Like patience, non-curly hair and definitely a time machine, but a large, strong coffee from Luke would have to do for now.

When he didn't move, she gestured to the general direction of the exit.

"Oh, yeah, right. Right." Luke dropped her hand and both of them felt like an arm was being ripped off.

They stared at their hands and felt the coldness creep up the fingers, that just moments ago, were wrapped up in each others warmth. She flinched when she saw her wedding ring on her other hand. Numb. Finally she didn't feel a thing there.

Unfortunately Luke had also seen it. He coughed slighty "Look Lorelai, maybe it's not the best idea, considering…" He gestured his head towards her left hand. Lorelai's face turned bright red, and she was thankful for the safety of the dark night surrounding her. She put her hands into her pocket and with a sure expression on her face, she simply said "Let's go!"

The walk towards Luke's Diner was a silent one.

They didn't talk, they didn't touch. Each of them was lost in thought. So many things were suddenly happening all at once. So many things were left unsaid. So many issues unresolved. The voices in his head didn't die down.

As they were approaching the town square, he suggested to bring out a to-go cup for her so she could get home without losing any more time. She had told him no.

She was tired of hiding. Tired of fighting. Luke was her _friend_. Saying, even thinking it, hurt like hell but if there'd be nothing left of them but the friendship they used to have, she'd take it. Within a heartbeat and without thinking twice. Most people would kill for a friendship like theirs. They may never go back to being lovers again, but the past days made her realize, how lucky she was, to even still have him in her life in the first place.

He led the way into the darkened diner. Since he wasn't open today, there was nothing much on the counter, but some two day old donuts lying underneath the glass cover.

Years of training made her walk around the tables and chairs effortlessly, she could take the steps to her favorite stool at the counter blindfolded.

 _So, you did make it inside, in the end._ She smiled to herself and it didn't go by unnoticed.

Lorelai watched Luke prepare a fresh pot of coffee for her. She felt like someone had rang Pavlov's bell as she was having troubles to keep herself from drooling at the smell of the delicious brown liquid.

When all he could do was wait for it to finish dripping into the pot, he turned around. Hands on the countertop, his upper body leaning down towards her. A scene which had played out in that very spot for countless times over the years. It felt normal somehow, but it also required a moment of getting used to it again.

Luke adjusted his hat and cleared his throat:

"So… What made you come to the cemetery?"

As she was taking off her coat and scarf, she shrugged and thought for a while. "It's November 30th." She then stated as if there'd be nothing weird about it.

"Lorelai, you know what I mean. Why did you show up? It's not like you still..." Before saying something wrong, he stopped and took a breath.

She looked at him with big eyes, starting to get a little irritated.

He tried again "You didn't need to come." His voice was soft and she knew he didn't mean any harm with his words. Luke leaned down and took out her favorite mug, which was obviously still sitting in the exact same spot beneath the countertop, just like it always had. Smiling to himself, he poured her coffee and turned to face her again.

Hot aromatic steam was rising from her cup. The rich flavors of his heavenly coffee set every nerve ending in her on fire. _God, how did I survive without this?_

"I guess, it's the same with you showing up at the hospital." A small, not at all awkward wink followed her explanation and they shared a shy, fragile smile.

Both of them knew exactly what it really meant. But neither of them was ready to talk about it just yet. And maybe they never would. After all, too much had happened between them.

When Lorelai took the first sip of his coffee in what had been more than 200 days, _(but who's counting, right?)_ he was sure he heard a little moan escape her raspberry colored lips. One of his favorite noises, now so far out of reach.

When she had finished her cup, she thanked him and hopped off her stool. Another motion she had done a million times before, but today it meant more. It meant, they had begun to break the spell. Lorelai Gilmore was back in Luke's Diner. And with that, they were back in each other's lives.

When she put her coat back on and looked up at him, she caught him staring at her soft curly hair bouncing around her shoulders. He blushed a little. "So, let's walk you home then."

"No, Luke. Really, I'm fine. I- uh, I need to clear my head a little before I get home to see Chr-" She stopped at his understanding but sad expression and looked down at her shoes.

"Thanks again for the coffee!" she whispered.

He remained silent and just nodded. She walked towards the door and pulled it open, the bells jingled their happy familiar sound. It made her smile and turn around once more.

"Hey Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"My dad really loved your tuna sandwich!"

And with another smile she was gone, the bells still jingling.

His heart set on fire.

Burning with a bright flame and the strength to finally lighten up his dark day.

Walking towards her house Lorelai already noticed from the distance, that the only car parking in the driveway was her Jeep. She sighed with relief and hurried up the steps and stairs that would lead her home and into the safety of her dark bedroom.

This night was the first night, after what had been six, almost seven months that she felt a little better about herself. Though her bed was empty, her heart was full. Still broken, but the pieces were finally healing.

Luke was already in his sweatpants and a comfy shirt, ready to fall into bed, when his cellphone started to ring. He jogged over to the old comforter next to the couch, found his jeans and fished the phone out of his pocket.

"Hello?" he asked tiredly.

A familiar shy voice greeted him.

"Hey Luke. It's me. Rory." When he didn't answer right away, she continued: "I know it's late, but I have to ask for a favor…"


	3. Tuna Sandwich

Aren't you the loveliest people ever? So many likes and follows, thank you sweethearts!

This chapter will deal with something we never got to see on-screen. So tiny, but yet so big. I just felt like it was long overdue and I'm sure y'all agree with me. A tiny word, that can make all the difference.

We will land on 11 chapters in total for this story, but for today, let's continue with chapter 3...

(As always: reviews are appreciated ;-) )

* * *

\- Chapter 3 - Tuna sandwich -

He lowered his head as he was walking down the familiar hallways of John Skinner Medical Center early Friday morning. As usual he tried to avoid getting too many glimpses of what was going on around him. This wasn't his favorite place to be, but still he wanted to be there. For him. And for _her_.

He had shaved and had left the army jacket and baseball cap at home.

In his hand he carried a takeout bag with the familiar logo on it.

Luke followed the orange line towards the room, where he knew Richard Gilmore would still be recovering from his heart attack a week earlier.

Just as he was trying to knock, a middle-aged nurse opened the door from inside Richard's room.

"And you are?" she asked a little too harsh, eyeing the visitor from head to toe.

"I-uh…" it dawned on Luke that he wouldn't get access to the room now, since the patient and him were no longer family. Just as he was about to answer, Richard interrupted and said confidently "He's my son-in-law."

With surprise written all over his face Luke glanced back and forth between Richard and the nurse, who was now smiling. "Oh, I'm sorry. Yes! You've been here the other week! Didn't recognize you without the hat!" She winked, a little too flirty. "These burgers smelled awesome by the way." When Richard had enough, he cleared his throat, the nurse excused her chatty self and left. Luke stepped over the threshold and closed the door behind him.

"So, Luke." Richard started right away, sitting up in his bed, adjusting is hospital gown.

Luke was still rocking back and forth on his heels, quite unsure on how or where to sit, or if he should be sitting at all.

"Please excuse my little charade just now, but some of these nosy nurses take their guidelines a little too serious for my liking."

Luke nodded. "Yeah, yes. Sure, no problem."

Richard sensed his discomfort „Luke, please grab a chair, sit down."

Doing as he was told, Luke sat down and placed the take-out bag on the little table by the window. Emily was good. This room looked so much nicer than the hole they had stuffed him in right after his surgery. And it was a palace compared to the hospital rooms of the early 1980's. When he realized he still hadn't properly greeted Richard, he got back up and reached for his hand. "My manners, I'm sorry. Good morning, Mr. Gilmore!"

The man in question laughed a little and said "Oh please stop, I thought we were past that!"

With a slightly blushed face, Luke sat down again. "Yes, you're right." He took a breath and started again "How are you, Richard?"

The elder man started tugging at his hospital gown again. "These things look ridiculous, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess so." The discomfort and weirdness of the situation just didn't seem to vanish for Luke.

Richard held his hands still and lifted his head to look at his former son-in-law. His expression finally gained back some of the seriousness Luke was more used to.

"Luke, I want to apologize to you."

Luke remained silent, even though his heart seemed to burst in his chest _. Was this really happening?_

Richard went on: "Luke, I'm a very old man. I've lived a very long life. I have made good and I have made bad choices. Some of which I feel sorry for, some of which I don't. But there is only one decision, that I truly and deeply regret."

Luke swallowed the lump in his throat. His palms started to get sweaty.

"And that is how I have treated you for all these years."

This confession hit like a bomb. "Look, Richard, I'm afraid I don't-" Luke got interrupted.

"No no no. Let me get this out. I have to get it out! You of all people know, that this is what sick people do at their death bed." Richard chuckled.

"No! Richard, no! Don't talk like that!" Memories of his dying mother and father attacked Luke and made him feel very uneasy.

 _Visions of grey cold hospital halls, doors being pushed open. Beeping sounds. Nurses and doctors running around in a haste. Flatlines. Silence._

Suddenly he realized, that maybe this wasn't some kind of questionable joke, but that he was indeed serious. "Tell me how you are, Richard! What did the doctors say?"

"I really didn't take you for an impatient man, Luke. Quite the opposite to be honest." _How could he be so calm about all of this?_ "How you withstand my daughter's impatience for over a decade now is beyond me." He turned more serious again. "Look, I know I have made some huge misjudgements throughout the years. You are a good man, Luke. And the best I could have ever imagined to be at my daughter's side."

Seeing this big, once so strong man starting to tear up, was almost too much for Luke to take. "Richard."

He raised his voice the best he could "No, I'm not done! I really need to get this out."

With one eye on the monitors next to his bed, Luke tried to focus on his former father-in-law.

A little calmer, Richard continued: "You know, a few hours after the surgery, I was so hungry and when Emily and Lorelai had left, I had Rory help me with that lovely 'fish bag'. She told me you had brought it over."

"I did." Richard smiled. „As I said before I am a very old man Luke, but I have never, not once in my life eaten a tuna sandwich that delicious." They were both grinning a little. Luke thought back to the evening before, when Lorelai had first told him, how much Richard had liked the sandwich. A smile appeared on his face. "I'm glad!" Luke said carefully.

"So of course I asked her, what you were doing here. Why you came, and for how long you had stayed. Rory told me, Emily shooed you around the town and made you pick up my Jaguar?"

"Yes. Yes she did, but please be sure, that I took good care of it!"

Richard chuckled "No worries. I trust you to drive a European car. You're a car man. You know what to do." Luke blushed and looked down at his shoes.

"Rory also told me, Emily would make sure I would be punished for this whole incident by having to eat fish and nothing but fish for the rest of my life."

Luke grinned a little. "She was just very concerned."

Richard smiled sympatheically. "Yes, I know. And obviously, so were you?"

When Luke nodded, Richard continued: "You brought how many variations of fresh sea fish? And all of them were not only edible but also quite tasty actually. I was surprised. So I leaned back, enjoyed my sandwich and lobster roll. Fantastic too, by the way." Luke smiled again.

"While we were eating, Rory started telling me the story about when she had chicken pox as a little girl. She told me about the mashed potatoes you made. For six days straight, because it was the only thing she could keep down. How you also ran errands for Lorelai and made sure, the two of them were taken care of. You bought a new thermometer for Lorelai, because hers was broken and she had forgotten to buy a new one and was freaking out about it. Rory told me you kept sitting with her and read her her favorite books to distract her, when Lorelai put the lotion on Rory's itching and hurting body. Every day you brought mashed potatoes for Rory and burgers for Lorelai. You also kept her in coffee, and don't we all know, how important that is!" He joked, but tears were glistening in his eyes.

"Rory probably told me everything you have ever done for her and Lorelai over the few years you had known my two girls. I was amazed. But I was also sad, because to be honest with you, you did more for them in ten years, than I have ever done for Lorelai or anyone else in a whole lifetime." Luke cleared his throat. He wasn't good at accepting praise, it always made him feel awkward. Richard looked him deep in the eyes. "And you have done more for my girls than Christopher ever had and ever would!" He snorted, his voice agitated "Let's face it. He's a loser. A goddamn loser. A lousy husband and an even lousier father." A single tear finally found its way down Richards cheek.

The pieces of Luke's heart broke a little more that second.

Memories of his dying father appeared before him. He tried to blink them away.

"Luke. I am so sorry for the way I have treated you for all these years. You are one hell of a man. And we should have never thought otherwise. Christopher was never right for Lorelai, and we couldn't make him right. When I heard, that he hadn't even been to the hospital until shortly after the surgery, I was done with him. He wasn't there for my daughter. He wasn't there for my granddaughter. Now or ever. Rory told me about the fight Lorelai and him had before my heart attack. She told me about the custody battle you're having, and how the mother of April gives you a hard time. She told me about the character reference Lorelai wrote for you and how it infuriated Christopher and made him leave and not call for two, almost three days straight." He stopped for a moment, the monitors showed his heart rate going up a little. Luke viewed the lines with a concerned frown.

"I appreciate all of this Richard. I really do, please believe me. But I beg you to calm down a little. We don't have to talk about all of this today. You need your rest! And your family needs you. I would never forgive myself if something would happen to you while I am here. I don't want to be the reason your stress levels go up."

Richard had to admit, the amount and intensity of talking made him feel tired and exhausted, so he nodded "You're right. Thank you."

"I just don't want Lorelai to live through what I have been through. It's hell. Losing parents before their time is the most devastating thing a child can ever experience. I don't want that for her." A sad smile crossed his face as Luke said her name and Richard didn't miss it.

"You're a good man, Luke."

.~.~.

Outside in the hallway careful steps echoed along the empty floors. He turned around, looking for a nurse. After a few minutes he finally found one sitting at the reception of John Skinner's Medical Center.

"Excuse me, Miss?"

The nurse looked up from her paperwork and eyed the well-dressed visitor thoroughly. She hadn't seen him before. "Yes?"

"I'm looking for Mr. Richard Gilmore's room?" he said, his voice a mixture of nervousness and annoyance.

She once again eyed him sceptically and asked "And you are?"

An arrogant expression on his face, as he answered "I'm Christopher Hayden. The son-in-law."

The nurse looked down at her visitors book and shook her head. "Umm, no." Pointing to the entry in her list she continued: "It says, there's already a son-in-law visiting Mr. Gilmore right now. He came in like 30 minutes ago."

Now he was not only annoyed and confused, he was also angry and needed to see for himself, what was going on.

When she had shown him the book, he was able to get a glance at the room number, so he turned on his heels and quickly made his way to Richard's room.

The nurse jumped up from her seat and rushed after him, yelling "Hey! Stop! You're not allowed to go in there!"

.~.~.

Richard was just swallowing the remainders of the first of two tuna sandwiches Luke had brought for him, when he heard commotion from outside his door.

He licked his lips and cleaned himself with a napkin, as someone pulled open the door forcefully.

"Christopher!" Richard said in surprise.

The man in question rose his arms above his head and let them fall down angrily.

"Now this is just perfect! Unbelievable! You again! It's always you! Everywhere I go, you're always there before me!" Luke tried to stop him "Christopher!-"

But he carried on "Can't you just accept that it's over for you? You're not supposed to be here or near _her_ anymore!" He yelled.

Luke got up from his seat, moved forward and stared at him with a dead serious look in his eyes "Lower your voice!"

Chris snorted, his demeanor grew more and more aggressive by the second "Or else?"

From outside, the voices of the nurse and a man, which turned out to be a security guard, were getting closer.

"Chris, this is not the time or place for this!" Luke kept his voice calm and controlled.

"Oh! Hear hear! And who are you to judge, huh? Oh, yeah, right! You're the 'son-in-law'!" He used air quotes and his fake grin turned into a wicked laugh, before he turned towards Richard and hissed "Thank you! Seriously. After all these years, it's nice to know, where I stand!"

Just as the security guard came in, ready to force Christopher out of the room, he turned to leave on his own. He threw them one last disgusted look and rushed out of the door.

Richard was speechless, as was Luke.

.~.~.

"Why do you always get to have the last one?" Rory pouted.

"Because I birthed you, sweet, annoying child of mine. I don't know why we have to discuss this every single time? And now gimme!" Lorelai snatched the chocolate mocca pop tart from her daughter and sat down at her kitchen table.

She poured two mugs of coffee and handed one to Rory.

She joined her and let the hot steaming goodness clear her senses. She jawned, the events of the last weeks were taking its toll on everybody. „So mom, when I was visiting grandpa the other day, he asked me to-"

The backdoor that led directly into the kitchen flew open.

"I should have known!" he yelled, throwing the door closed behind him. The glass rattled in its frame. Lorelai and Rory, both startled, raised from their chairs.

Lorelai crossed her hands over her heart. „Christopher! Are you crazy? What's wrong?" She tried to take a deep breath. Rory looked back and forth between her parents.

"You know what I'm talking about! It's unbelievable! Just because I wasn't there, you didn't need to ask _him_ to come! Again! It's none of his business! He has no right to be there! He is not the son-in-law, goddammit! I am!" he shouted.

"What are you even talking about?" Lorelai was getting more and more confused by the second.

"Oh don't play dumb! Your diner guy is visiting Richard right now! He brought him some smelly sandwich. And guess what-" he paused and took a step towards her "he told them, he's the son-in-law so he could get access to your fathers room! What kind of sick mind does that? Does he have no respect at all?"

The need to sit down overwhelmed Lorelai, but she couldn't move. Her feet were glued to the ground.

Rory tried to jump in "Dad, mom didn't know about it! Look, you have to know-" She couldn't finish her explanation. "Rory, shut up please. I don't wanna hear it, ok? I don't want to hear any of your or her excuses anymore!" he pointed his finger at the both of them. This made Lorelai break free from her daze and she also took one step towards him. Her expression and voice were angry "Hey! Leave her out of this! Where have you even been the last three days, huh? Is this how it's going to be from now on? We have a fight and you run away for half a week or what? My dad is in hospital for christ's sake! He could have died! And I couldn't even give you a damn phone call!" her eyes had turned into tight slits. "It's not going to work like this Christopher! God, you're not 16 anymore! You have responsibilites now, don't you realize that? Luke was there to help, ok? That's it. Nobody asked him to, he just did, because he actually cares for us. Something that is supposed to be your job! But apparently that's too much to ask!" Lorelai took a deep breath, "And don't you ever-" she took another step closer, shooting him the darkest look she ever had "-Ever again tell my daughter to shut up!"

A growl escaped him, he was lost for words, so he just threw his arms up in frustration "She's my kid too!" was his helpless attempt to react to what she had just said to him. Rory laughed a bitter laugh, tears in her eyes. "And you have no idea how much I wished that I wasn't!" She turned around and stormed out of the kitchen. The front door slammed shut and Lorelai's chest heaved as she was fighting against her own tears that were forcing their way up.

"It can't work like this, Christopher!"

Silence hang over them like a dark cloud when moments later the ringing of the telephone broke through it. Lorelai didn't move and let the message go straight to the answering machine.

When Emily's hysteric voice echoed through the living room, shouting accusations at her, Lorelai ran over to the telephone set to answer the call.

"Lorelai for god's sake! What were you thinking?" the elder Gilmore yelled through the phone. "Mom! Stop screaming! What's going on?" Glancing back to the kitchen, Lorelai had an idea what, or who had inspired that lovely phone call. "Lorelai, why is Luke at the hospital, pretending to be Richard's son-in-law and bringing over that awful junk food of his again? How does he even dare to-" Lorelai's annoyance levels shot through the roof. She stomped her foot, desperate to get some of her aggravation out. "I don't know, ok? I don't know, why he did that or why he was even there. I didn't ask him to! God mom, why are you so ungrateful? Luke was good enough to drive through the whole freaking state of Connecticut for you just a few days ago! And did you ever entertain the thought, that dad had actually enjoyed Luke's food? Maybe you should listen to your husband from time to time!" Sadness and anger washed over her, as she heard nothing but heavy breathing at the other end of the line.

With a quiet, but still upset voice Emily replied "Funny. You're one to talk! Christopher told me,-" "I don't care what Christopher told you, mom! He wasn't even there! He doesn't get to have an opinion! Don't you get that? I'm so sick of this. All of this!" and with that she hung up, wiped her wet lashes with the sleeves of her blouse and went back into the kitchen, where Christopher was still waiting for her.

Like a beaten dog he stared down at his shoes, not daring to utter a word.

When Lorelai felt the cold dampness of the sleeve on the back of her hand, she made a decision. A decision that was long overdue.

She pulled the wedding band from her ring finger and without giving it a last look she handed it to Christopher, who lifted his head just in time to see what Lorelai was doing. Shock and surprise left him speechless again, as his fingers closed around the cold, golden Tiffany piece.

"It really can't work that way, Chris."

She stepped aside, making it clear she wanted him gone.

Without another word, Christopher did what he was best at. He left.

Lorelai turned around and her hands gripped the kitchen counter near the sink. She held on to the surface until her hands hurt. Seconds later she once again heard glass rattling in its frame when the front door had been shut forcefully. She stared down at her empty finger. And even though it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted, at the same time it was just another thing that had turned out wrong. Just another regret. Just another failure on the long list of epic failures that ruled Lorelai Gilmore's life. It came right after walking away from Luke that disastrous night in May. When she walked away from him, she walked straight into Christopher's arms. Something she had promised herself would never happen again. She would never make that mistake again. But still, she did. _If only I would have waited one more day._

And to add more drama to all the insanity, she let him put that ring on her finger. Just like it wasn't a real marriage, it wasn't even a real wedding to begin with. She didn't get it with Luke, but she didn't get it with Chris either. But when it happened, it happened too fast, she didn't realize her mistake until she had to tell her one and only daughter face to face how they had gotten married without her there. No big party. No fancy celebration. No Gazebo. No white lilies. No ballerinas. No ten layer cake covered with icing looking like plaid flannel, an idea, _her_ idea, that drove Luke nuts. Everything she wanted, she didn't get any of it. But she knew, why it had been different this time. Why this time, it didn't really matter.

It was because Christopher never really mattered. The only one that ever mattered was Luke.

She wanted that ridiculous plaid covered cake. She wanted ballerinas and sappy music. She even would have gone along with that ridiculous 'Russian winter theme' her mother once mentioned. All she wanted was the _match made in heaven_ to finally happen.

But instead her whole world fell apart and now she couldn't get him out of her mind.

Here she was with a broken heart, but still loving him with all the pieces.

"It was supposed to be forever!" she cried as her clenched fist hit the hot dishwater in the sink hard and made tiny soap bubbles rise from its surface. The rays of the midday sun beamed through the curtains and made the foam bubbles glisten in the most beautiful colors. As she watched them dance, then sink down and pop in front of her, her vision blurred and hot burning tears finally escaped her eyes.

.~.~.

Luke had just returned home from Hartford, and was about to change into his flannel-and-cap workwear, when he heard commotion from behind the curtain downstairs.

He heard Ceasar's voice and then heavy stomping as someone was rushing up the stairs.

He was still wearing his dress shirt and didn't care about the buttons being half open, when he ran over to his door to open it. Much to his surprise he saw Lorelai storming through the door, and Ceasar standing at the foot of the stairs, shrugging, an abashed look on his face. "Sorry Boss! She wouldn't take no for an answer."

Luke rolled his eyes. _Oh don't I know it!_

Luke closed the door and waited for Lorelai to explode on him. He knew that dead set look on her face.

"You had no right to show up at the hospital like that!" she blurted out.

Luke's eyes widened, a puzzled frown on his face "Excuse me?"

Lorelai was still pacing through the small apartment, her heart beating wildly.

She stopped to look at him. The worry in his eyes, the beautiful, shaven face, the dress shirt he had put on to visit her dad, it made her heart break all over again. "You had no right to still be there!" He noticed the tear streaks on her face, dried days-old mascara lining her cheeks. Dark blue shimmering eyes staring at him. So much love. So much hurt.

"Lorelai, what-"

"No! You can't always be like this! You can't keep on doing what you've always been doing. It's not the same anymore! _**We**_ are not the same anymore!" She desperately tried to make him understand. "Hell, we are not together anymore! You- you- We're not even friends anymore, Luke! And we can also never be just friends again. It doesn't work! Everytime I think I'm over you, you pop back up into my life, do something wonderful and mess everything up! I tried so hard, Luke!" She sat down, broke down, the noise of the chair scratching over the old wooden floor made both of them cringe. Elbows on the kitchen table, Lorelai let her head fall to her hands. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she whispered. "I tried so hard!"

When Luke noticed her empty ring finger, his heart skipped a few beats. His mind was racing.

"Lorelai? I don't understand. Calm down, ok?" He carefully made his way over to the kitchen table.

She finally looked up at him with fresh tears in her eyes. "Why did you say you're the son-in-law?" She asked straight away, she was too tired to make another big scene out of it. For Luke to call himself _that_ after everything that had happened, ripped her apart.

A startled Luke stared at her. "What do you-?" And then it dawned on him. His face darkened. "Christopher." He said, slightly shaking his head.

Lorelai just nodded.

"Look, I didn't want to cause any trouble, Lorelai. I just tried to do something nice and when-" She interrupted him "That's the problem! You always try to be nice and hurt nobody's feelings! But I got screamed at by my mother and husband today! We got into a huge fight and I ended up giving him the ring back. I guess that means it's over!" She pointed to her finger and he visibly cringed and she didn't miss it. She felt a pang of guilt in her chest "You can't just go in there saying you're the son-in-law."

Luke's patience vanished more and more. "Listen, it wasn't my idea! I didn't even want to go, because I knew, if I ran into Emily or Christopher there, it would be your parents vow renewal all over again!"

Memories of their first break-up flashed before their eyes.

' _Lorelai and I belong together. Everyone knows it! I know it, Emily knows it!'  
'What?'  
'Look, I blew it, okay? I know that I blew it. You waited, and I didn't come through, and now you're with him. But it's not too late!'  
'Chris, don't.'  
'It's not too late. I know it's not too late. Emily told me it wasn't too late! I mean, that's why I'm here, okay? I know you're with him. But it's for now, it's not forever. It's just for now. I know that.'  
'Luke, I don't know what he's talking about!'  
'I got to get out of here.'_

He knew her outburst wasn't just about his visit to the hospital.

It meant so much more than just that, but he wasn't ready to deal with it yet. Not now, after all he was hurting too.

"Look, if you wanna dump all of this on me, you can, but don't expect me to be ok with it. I did nothing wrong. I went there because Rory asked me to! And I brought tuna sandwiches because you told me he liked them. I'm sorry if you can't live with the fact that I tried to do something nice here. Yes, that's what I do, and yes, that backfires way too often obviously, but hey, that's me! You know how I am. I care about people. I may not be the smartest or fastest, but everything I do, I do with good intentions. I'm sorry you're no longer used to people who actually care about you, but it's not my fault your husband is a goddamn dick!" and with that he shot up from his chair and stomped out of the apartment.

For the last time today the rattling of glass in its frame made Lorelai wince.

Again her heavy aching head sank against her crossed arms on the table.

Downstairs the bells were jingling angrily.

.~.~.

The next day Lorelai woke up early in an empty bed. It was nothing new, since the days Christopher had actually slept in their bedroom were rare and after their fight she knew he wouldn't be coming back all too soon. He never did. The sun was just rising, but couldn't quite make its way through the clouds. From downstairs she heard noises, which was unusal, since Rory had left for Yale late in the evening. It was too early for her to go into work yet and she knew, Sookie had told her not to come for a little while, but the walls of her house seemed to close in on her, so she thought she might as well try to get her mind off things for a couple of hours and take the late shift today. She was tired and could have needed a little more sleep, but since emptiness and silence were screaming at her in every room of her house, she decided to get up anyway. She trotted over to her bathroom to brush her teeth.

She took a quick shower, the hot water did nothing to relax the tensed muscles in her neck and back and her head was still hammering. After she had dressed in her business attire, she lazily climbed down the stairs to her living room. The little red light on the answering machine was flashing and announced four new messages.

With a heavy sigh she hurried down the steps and made her way into the kitchen.

"But first coffee!" she said to herself in mock cheerfulness and started her daily morning routine.

A few minutes later as she was about to pour herself the first infusion of the day, the phone rang again.

Lorelai rolled her eyes but continued pouring her cup when her mother's upset voice was once again echoing through her living room.

"Lorelai! Pick up the phone for god's sake! Your father had another attack!"

Lorelai froze, the hot coffee suddenly turned into ice cubes.

Her hands started shaking, she sat the mug down and ran over to the phone to pick it up.

"Mom, what happened?!"


	4. Changes

Thank you for all the new 'follows' and 'favs'. I love you all and your feedback is very much appreciated :-"

Now let's see how we can get these stubborn kids back on track, shall we?

* * *

\- Chapter 4 - Changes -

"You really gave us a big scare here Mister!" Lorelai said in feigned anger. She gave him a shy smile and continued fluffing his pillow.

Rory nodded "Yes Grandpa! You weren't allowed to do that again!" she winked.

It turned out, Richard was just having a severe type of ventricular fibrillation, not a real heart attack. Nonetheless it was an unwanted and unwelcomed reaction to the bypass surgery from the week before and the incident made it necessary for him to be transferred back to the cardiac intensive care unit.

Emily was busy making phone calls out in the reception hall and the younger Gilmore women kept Richard company. They helped him drink some water and eat a few cookies. Rory read him the latest Wall Street Journal and in between they even managed to laugh from time to time.

So far Rory and Lorelai hadn't had a chance to talk about the events of the previous day. But they knew at some point today all of them would have to have a little conversation.

Lorelai thought back to the time her dad was in the hospital six years ago. _It was also Christmas time. It was snowing. But that wasn't her biggest present that year. It was her father surviving, being alive. They didn't know what to say back then. They just stared at each other before one of them could utter a word. The distance between them closed a little, but they weren't able to fully overcome it._ Visions of her father, her mother and Luke were crossing her mind. _He had driven her to the hospital, he gave her comfort and coffee and stayed with her for hours, even tough he really hated hospitals. Then he drove Rory home and spent the night on the couch, so she wouldn't have to be alone in that big empty house. The next morning she woke up to the smell of hot gorgeous freshly brewed coffee and chocolate chip pancakes. A note on the counter made her smile "Leave some for Rory! And please let me know how he is. L."_

Dr. Goldstein entered the room.

The familiar face made Lorelai calm down a little and she got up from her chair to greet the doctor.

He opened his clipboard and nodded hello, his expression serious. "Good morning Mr. Gilmore, ladies. So, that was quite a scare." He paused when he saw their pale faces. "I know you're worried, and honestly you have every right to be." The door opened and all eyes were on her, when Emily stepped over the threshold. "I'm sorry Doctor, please continue."

Dr. Goldstein took a step towards Emily and within a second the hint of a smile was gone from her face. "Mrs. Gilmore, I'm not going to lie to you. What happened today is an unfortunate, but not uncommon complication following the heart surgery. If it happens again, I can't guarantee he'll get off as lightly as he did today."

The Gilmore women stood there in shock. Neither of them moved or even dared to breathe. The only sound was the constant beeping of the machines Richard Gilmore was attached to.

The doctor faced Lorelai and Rory. "Right now, there's not much we can do. He needs to heal. And above all he needs rest. Mr. Gilmore is in good, capable hands and we're all doing the best we can. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but in my profession I had to learn the hard way that sugarcoating reality doesn't do any good. Please be aware of the seriousness of the situation. For now, I need to run another ECG, and I ask you to please let Mr. Gilmore rest for the rest of the day. You can come in early tomorrow morning. I will keep you informed and updated as soon as we have new results."

Emily had leaned back against the door behind her. Her face a white mask.

She looked up at her husband and whispered "You knew of this, didn't you?"

Richard adjusted his hospital gown, the cables and wires hindered his movements. "Yes." He simply said, his head hanging low in guilt.

"Do you have any questions?" Dr. Goldstein asked, glancing between the members of the Gilmore family.

A heavy, overwhelming fog seemed to hang over the room. Breathing was incredibly hard, speaking impossible.

Lorelai shook her head, a numb expression on her face.

The Doctor touched her shoulder compassionately and turned to leave the small, windowless room. "If there is anything you want to know, please don't hesitate to ask. I will have my pager with me 24/7, so you can reach me at any time."

Richard was the first to break the painful silence. "Thank you Doctor!"

He nodded and left the room.

A few minutes later, after saying their goodbyes with a very heavy heart, the three Gilmore women had also left the hospital like they were asked to do.

They didn't speak much, each of them had to digest the news for themselves.

Rory had to get back to Yale for an exam the next day, and since Emily wasn't in the condition to drive on her own, Rory offered to give her a ride home.

Lorelai got into her own car and drove back to Stars Hollow in a trance-like state.

The sun was shining and the radio played a happy song, but to her the world was grey and the sounds didn't quite reach her ears.

.~.~.

Later that day a deafening silence hung over the little blue house on Maple Street.

Usually the house would be cheerfully lit and there'd be music and noises all evening long. But today Lorelai Gilmore chose to go to bed early and maybe catch up on some much needed sleep. The last days were almost entirely spent in the hospital visiting her dad. She was beyond tired, her headache didn't seem to ever go away again and her whole body was aching from all the tension and crouching in uncomfortable hospital chairs or benches.

She badly wished for one of the massages Luke used to give her when they had become a couple. Over time these little home-spa-sessions, how she liked to call them, lessened and were gone completely after a few months of getting back together.

 _At first they would have a nice hot bubble bath together. He'd complain and nag, but in the end he always enjoyed spending that special and intimate time with her. After the bath they quickly made it to the bed, where Luke would begin his little ritual. They even bought scented oil and lit candles for it. He wasn't just giving her a massage. He loved and worshipped every inch of her body, as if he still couldn't believe he finally had her. He took his time and she loved every minute of it. She was ticklish and he knew it, so his movements were even more careful and slow. It was like his fingers were dancing all over her body, in a smooth sensual rhythm, fired by desire and adoration for the woman lying before him. His hands, despite looking rough and calloused were perfectly soft and warm after the bath. He let them glide over her curves in a delicate, arrousing way. He looked her deep in the eyes and whispered words of love and devotion. The way he said her name was out of this world, only Luke could make it sound like poetry. Oftentimes Lorelai didn't need much more than his touches and words to make her come. He was so good with his hands, and she wasn't afraid of letting him know everytime they were close. He knew how to drive her wild with his feathersoft touches and he knew exactly what to say to make her shiver. She was amazed by how simple it was for her to feel free and let herself go around Luke. She trusted him blindly. She could be herself around him. Luke loved her in fancy Victoria's Secret pieces as much as in puppy, pancake or any other ridiculous junk food pyjama she owned. And she loved his wild side, the unrestrained, care-free, sometimes even a bit kinky Luke, who could set her on fire with just a few touches and that patented smile of his._

Lorelai basked in her bittersweet memories even though she knew she should try to sleep. But her body betrayed her and reacted in a way she didn't know was still possible. She felt numb to people's touches or affection lately. But when she thought about the way Luke used to touch, not only her body, but also her heart, a shiver ran down her spine. She sighed in frustration. These weren't things she should be thinking about right now. _He_ was nothing she should be thinking about right now. They had broken up and she, foolishly, had married another guy. But her thoughts weren't with Christopher, they never really had been if she was honest with herself.

The last days had left her all confused and her emotions had taken a long bumpy roller coaster ride. She went through all the highs and lows and loops and turns without being properly buckled. The pieces of her heart were whirled up and thrown around inside of her and left her clueless on how to feel and what to do. She wasn't ready for these new old feelings yet. She didn't even want to have them in the first place. She didn't know what to do about Luke. She wasn't mad about his little outburst the other day, since she was the one to push his buttons. She just didn't know what to think of his overly emotional reaction. Obviously she was wrong to think he had stopped caring at some point. Maybe there were more feelings left than they would like to admit. But getting back to the place they were _before_ , it just seemed impossible and so far out of reach.

On the other hand there was Christopher. She didn't know if they were really done, but she had to admit to herself they were probably better off without each other. It was a mistake to let him back in. His charms and the fake promises that rooted in a long shared history had tricked her into this ridiculous charade of a marriage, and now that it started to fall apart, it was probably exactly what she deserved. He, once again, had caused nothing but heartache and drama. No need to mention he hadn't checked in on her father since their fight. It wasn't even that big of a fight, he just chickened out like he used to do. He had no arguments, nothing to defend himself. He didn't even try, he would never man up enough to be worthy of her. She could never rely on him for anything. It was clear as day, he could never take Luke's place in her home or in her heart, because Luke hadn't even really left there to begin with.

With another frustrated sigh she opened her restless eyes back up. Early next morning she would have to be up and off to the hospital again. She tossed and turned in her big empty bed, finding it bigger and emptier with every passing day. Being alone was nothing new for Lorelai, but for the first time in years she felt lonely. And that difference was something she couldn't bear. She always used to have Rory with or at least around her and after she had gone to Yale, there was Luke. The safety and comfort of his presence was what she missed the most.

 _They used to talk about their days and the big and little things of life before they fell asleep in each others arms. Lorelai was surprised when she first learned that Luke was the cuddly type of sleeper. She assumed, being used to sleeping alone for years, made him not want to give up his personal space in bed, but she was wrong. It seemed like he almost couldn't fall asleep as long as he was holding her in his arms. He caressed her hair and curled it around his fingers. His soft snore and the awesome lashes tickled her skin. His face, the gorgeous lips were resting against her chest. But who was she to complain? She never slept as good, as when Luke had held her. These big strong arms and hands, so protective, so safe, they felt like home to her. They'd wake up throughout the night, entangled in each others embrace, they'd kiss, they'd smile, they'd fall back to sleep. But if he was drowsy enough he would tell her he loved her, every single night._

 _But just like the massages, the baths, the nights and days spent together, the communication and expression of their love for each other had gotten fewer and fewer. To some degree that was a normal thing to happen in every relationship at some point, and she still knew he loved her, but like she had once told him, she really needed to hear it once in a while. The end of their communication marked the beginning of the end of their relationship_.

When staring at the ceiling became too depressing, she turned around again to lie on her right side. Her left arm touched the empty, cold sheet on the other side of her bed. She let her fingers slide over it just like she used to do with Luke when he was lying next to her. She remembered the warmth radiating from his body after they'd been making love. Steel muscles underneath soft skin covered in featherlight dusting of hair. She remembered everything about him. She was so full of memories and yet so empty inside.

Lorelai stared at her hand and as if led by a ghost, she sat up and leaned over to her nightstand.

 _It was one of these nights._

Under layers of meaningsless golden Tiffany pieces, she found what she was looking for.

Everytime she first touched it, she saw his beautiful face smiling at her in the bright light of the full moon just one shy year ago.

In that moment she was the happiest person alive. In midst of all the heartbreak and trouble that ruled her life at that time, he had found a way to make her smile. She wasn't easily thrown off track, be it for good or bad reasons. She didn't get too sentimental and emotional in general. Or at least she knew how to hide it out of sheer self-defence. She hated being vulnerable and weak. And feeling like that all day now made her angry and wore her out. She just wasn't used to it and more than that, she was sick of it. She needed all this sorrow to end. She wanted to be her happy, jolly self again. But instead she felt more broken from one day to another. And other than last year, there was no one there to pick up the pieces this time. Her friends and Rory could only do so much. And with her dad in hospital now she realized once more, how much she needed a partner. Her companion. Her other, and better half.

Lorelai carefully lined the engraving with her finger. It made her smile for just a second.

' _Forever. – L.'_

The lyrics to some sappy love song came to her mind. She had heard it before, but never really listened to it, until Luke and her were on their way home from a date in a newly opened Italian restaurant in Litchfield.

 _It was shortly after their reconciliation. He had gotten rid of the awful Reggae Fever CD and so they ended up hearing the only station that was receivable in Luke's old truck. As the music started playing, they turned silent, he took her hand and gently caressed the back of it with his thumb. The song was awfully cheesy, but it really applied to them. He kept focusing on the road, but every once in a while she caught him glancing over at her. She knew it wasn't his way to easily open up about his feelings. But she felt it, that night, she could see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch and hear in the words he didn't say. When they had gotten home that night and lay entangled in each others arms after being intimate for the first time in weeks, he had told her how much he had missed her. He told her he was sorry. And he told her he loved her. All the while the song kept on playing in her head._

' _I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues. Baby, we've been to hell and back again.  
Through it all you're always my best friend. For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do, tonight I'm gonna find a way…'_

The sudden ring of the telephone interrupted her thoughts and she almost dropped the ring, she realized she was still holding in her palm.

She checked the furry clock on her nightstand, and when it showed it was almost 11 pm she decided it might be important and got up to find the cordless phone.

She clutched the ring in her hand and pressed it to her heart in fear she might drop it to the ground while tripping over something in the dark of the messy, cluttered bedroom of hers. When she finally found the phone she slumped into the old armchair next to her bedroom closet. Paul Anka came running from his basket in the living room. He was a great source of comfort these days. He lay down on the ground next to her recliner.

"Hello?" she asked, her knees pressed tightly against her chest.

"Hello Lorelai, I hope I didn't wake you?"

She smiled and released a shaky breath.

"Hey dad. No, actually I was still up. Having trouble sleeping, you know?"

"Oh I can imagine."

"Guess you feel the same way, huh?" She pulled the comforter out from under her and curled up in the cozy blanket.

"Lorelai, I need to clarify something with you." She listened to him clearing his throat and her heartbeat started to speed up.

"Sounds serious, dad." She replied nervously.

"Oh no, actually it's not, but somehow it got blown out of proportion. Listen, I have to apologize. Emily was quite furious this morning before the two of you had arrived. When she realized I wasn't going to die on the spot, she had a little outburst. She told me about Christopher and Luke and the drama following his visit yesterday."

Lorelai's breath got stuck in her throat. "Oh-um…" Richard continued right away "I want you to know, it was not Luke's fault, alright? I told the nurse he was my son-in-law, so he would get access to my room. And I knew he was coming, because I had asked him to."

She sat up. "What? When-"

"Well, no, that's not correct, actually I asked Rory to tell Luke that I wanted to see him."

Lorelai was speechless, so Richard went on "I needed to talk to him, and I didn't want any of you there, especially not Emily." He took a moment to collect his thoughts and Lorelai's heart rate rose to unknown heights.

"You know, we have always agreed on most everything in our lives, and apparently that's what makes a good, long marriage. But over the years I came to disagree with her quite a lot when it came to your relationships and our influence on them. She thought she knew what you needed. I thought I knew what you needed. We're parents, right? That's what we do!" He chuckled. "But I realized, you, being the independent and strongheaded woman you are, just don't need our input on things concerning your love life. You always chose your own way of living and handling your affairs. We should have known better than to try to change that, change you." He was quiet for a moment and Lorelai swallowed the lump in her throat. "Dad, I-"

"No, I'm not done. Let me get this out, before I fall asleep or this awful machine starts beeping again."

"Not funny, dad!"

"I know, I'm sorry. Listen, Lorelai, I asked Luke to come here, so I could apologize to him. I've treated him badly for all these years. I didn't take the time to get to know him when I really should have… You know, Rory told me stories about the three of you." Lorelai smiled and made a mental note to thank her daughter for that later.

"I misjudged him completely. I couldn't or didn't want to admit that you made the best choice in choosing him. He might not be from our circles, but I realize now, that it doesn't matter. Lying in this bed right here, I realize, it doesn't matter at all. Luke is a really good man. Kind, honest and caring." He took a deep breath and then released a little laugh. "It's funny isn't it, how a leaking bag of fish can be a source of epiphany."

A sad smile crossed her face as she whispered "Yes it is."

At the same time a strange feeling of inner peace overcame her and she yawned loudly, which made Richard laugh again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to bore you."

To suppress another yawn she pressed her clenched fist against her mouth. The hand, that still held Luke's ring, _her_ ring, like a precious treasure, which to her, it was. "No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. I really appreciate you telling me this, I'm happy you think that way… And I'm glad you did, what you did."

"Even if it caused trouble?"

She adjusted her position in the armchair, it was comfortable, but still a little cramped.

"Yeah… I guess-" she opened her palm and glanced at her ring. "it was exactly what needed to happen."

Richard smiled to himself. "Let me just ask one more question."

"Ask away."

"Did Luke really arrange a caterpillar's funeral?"

Lorelai's heart ached at the bittersweet memory from all these years ago. "Yes, he did."

"Wow." Richard chuckled. "He's something else!"

She forced herself to blink away the tears that were starting to form in the corner of her eyes.

She would not cry. Not tonight.

Still staring at the old golden wedding band in her hand, a sad smile on her lips, she finally said: "He really is."

"I'll talk to Emily again tomorrow. We'll fix this."

She was relieved hearing the certainty and contentment in his voice. _Was this really happening?_ It was all too much to think about right now. Her eyes fluttered shut in between yawns, but she wasn't exactly ready to end the conversation just yet.

"Hey dad?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you even have a phone? I thought it wasn't allowed."

With a boyish smirk on his face he answered "Oh dear, I have my ways."

Lorelai also grinned on her side of the phone "What did you do? Bribed the night nurse with a 10?"

"Lorelai!" he said in mock anger "It was a 20."

Lorelai laughed open-heartedly, she felt good and right for the first time today. They let the pleasant silence wash over them for a few more moments.

"Thank you and good night dad. I'll be in first thing in the morning."

Richard smiled. „I'm looking forward to it. Good night Lorelai."

He noticed she hadn't hung up the phone and was about to say something, when he heard her careful but sincere voice: "I love you dad."

Tears filled his eyes, his heart ready to burst.

"I love you too."

They hung up and moments later both had drifted off to sleep.

They were miles, once worlds apart, but the distance between them had finally closed.

.~.~.

Bright sunlight beamed through the curtains and even though it was early December it still had the power to warm her exposed arms and face in a pleasant and somewhat soothing way. It almost felt like a warm embrace, when Lorelai slowly opened her eyes. Since she had fallen asleep in her armchair, her head had been in a weird angle all night and was now killing her more than it did the night before. But besides that she felt more rested than she had in weeks. She readjusted herself and her aching bones were cracking with each movement. She was about to stretch her arms, when the golden ring, she must have been holding all night, was falling to her lap. Its simple, but beautiful tear drop shaped diamond glistened in the morning sun and suddenly she remembered it was December 3rd and today she should have been married for half a year.

She shook her head to chase away the painful thoughts.

"Get a grip Gilmore!" she said to herself and got up to get ready for her daily visit to the hospital. She put the ring back into the jewelry box and lazily walked to the bathroom.

She was lucky Sookie, Michel and Tobin had her back at work, otherwise she wouldn't know how to manage everything all at once. She hoped her dad would soon be back home, happy and healthy, so she could get back to the Inn for Christmas time, one of the busiest times of the year.

This year they would be hosting a big fancy charity event the week before Christmas.

She had to be there for it, no matter what.

.~.~.

When she arrived in Hartford her mom was already there but busy making yet another phonecall.

Lorelai waved hello at her dad and took off her scarf and hat. It had gotten pretty cold, but yet, no snow was in sight. She couldn't wait for its arrival this year. It always gave her strength and made her happy.

Richard and her were talking quietly while Emily was discussing will papers with the insurance adviser over the phone.

Lorelai couldn't help but catch some bits and pieces of the converstion her mother was having. Her mind drifted off to very very unpleasent places, she didn't even want to think about these papers being necessary in the near future.

Rory arrived after lunch and the four of them were allowed to sit in the Cafeteria for a little while.

Richard once again explained himself and the incident from two days earlier. But the look on Emily's face told Lorelai how much her mother still didn't care and especially how it didn't change her mind or opinion about Luke one bit.

When a nurse had come to lead Richard back to his room for some rest, Emily stopped Lorelai, who was about to get up and leave.

"We need to talk, Lorelai."

She sighed and looked at Rory "Honey, why don't you head home and look for something edible so we won't have to starve tonight, ok?" Since it was sunday Rory didn't need to go back to Yale today and was looking forward to spending the rest of the day with her mom.

Distraction was the name of the game and both of them would win tonight.

They badly needed to get their minds off all the sadness and craziness of the last weeks, even if just for one evening.

They exchanged a nervous glance, but eventually Rory said "Ok, I'll have coffee and pop tarts ready."

She grinned at Emily's eye-roll and turned to leave her mother and grandmother alone.

Lorelai immediately started "Mom, can we not do this here?" she asked, looking around the very crowded Cafeteria. Emily did the same and agreed reluctantly. "Alright, let's go."

.~.~.

The purse landed on the old wooden floor with a loud thud.

A deep gutural growl escaped her as she yelled through her foyer: "Remind me to kill myself later tonight, so I won't have to deal with my mother ever again." With a heavy sigh she slipped out of her coat and took a moment to compose herself.

Rory stepped through the door with a bowl in her hand and a finger in her mouth.

"That good, huh?" she asked and smiled at her mom sympathetically.

"Yeah. Awesome!" Lorelai deadpanned and tried to get a glimpse at the bowl Rory was holding. "What is that?" she asked skeptically, pointing to the sticky mass inside.

"That, lovely mother of mine, is chocolate chip cookie batter!" Rory announced with a proud grin on her face. Lorelai's eyes widened in surprise "No! But we'll burn the house down. Remember, last time we-" Rory rolled her eyes and interrupted her "Oh my god, it was one time! It won't happen again!"

She made her way back to the kitchen and Lorelai followed her.

Rory continued placing little portions of the batter on the baking sheet "And it wasn't even that bad! The fire was out after a few seconds!"

Lorelai poured herself some of the coffee Rory had prepared for her. "Yeah, but only because Luke had installed that fire extinguisher a few days before!"

"Yeah. He knows us." Rory sighed.

Both their smiles faded as they were remembering the little incident that happened last year.

 _Who would save us from fire this year?_

Rory set the bowl down and went over to the kitchen table to sit with her mom. She took her hand in hers and noticed the ring was still gone. "So… what now?" she asked, squeezing her mothers hand affectionately. Lorelai sighed heavily "I have no idea kid." She dropped her head down to her crossed arms on the table. "I have absolutely no idea."

.~.~.

Just as they where about to start the first movie of what was supposed to be a long movie night in the first time since forever, the door bell rang. Her mouth stuffed with Redvines, she ordered Rory to go open the door. "Pizza is here!" she yelled in the direction of the kitchen.

They had spend the afternoon catching up on each other's lives and the events of the previous days. The fight with Christopher, the argument with Luke, the heart-to-heart with Richard. And of course they were talking about Emily's latest lecture.

 _She had told Lorelai she needed to finally decide what do to with her life and that it wasn't right to leave two men in the dark, because she couldn't decide what it was that she actually wanted. That is, who she actually wanted. Emily didn't say out loud, who she expected Lorelai to choose and who she was supposed to ban from her life for once and for all. She didn't need to say it out loud. Emily always seemed to root for Christopher because that was what seemed appropriate. Her daughter's happiness just didn't matter as much._

Rory ran from the kitchen to the front door, passing by her mother on the couch, she said "You know, last time I checked, your legs were functioning just fine." When Lorelai shook her head and pretended to keep her ears shut, Rory shot her mother a goofy grin and hurried to open the door.

Then she froze.

"Oh, hey… Luke!" she said quietly, the smile fading from her lips.

He shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably.

The feeling of having some kind of weird déjà-vu was overwhelming him.

"Hey Rory. I-uh... I was just stopping by to ask how it's going. How- uh- how is your grandfather?"

The desperate look on his face told her more than any words could ever have.

She saw this solid and strong, but also broken and insecure man standing there in front of her. He didn't even dare to ask if he could come in. She felt so sorry for him. And she missed how things were between them before everything had broken apart.

Something inside her told her, this was her chance to make things right again.

He really needed someone too. Her mother always had her to talk to, but Luke, he didn't have anybody. April was with her mother and Luke would rather set himself on fire than talk to his sister about his personal life.

It took him by surprise, when her small fragile arms closed tightly around him. They weren't good at hugging, they had never been, but this was probably the first time it didn't feel weird or somewhat forced. It felt good, it felt right. Just as Luke closed his arms around his former stepdaughter, a still chewing Lorelai entered the hallway and stopped dead in her tracks.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and she was sure it wasn't just the Redvines.

"Hey." She whispered, her heart beating wildly in her chest.

Luke looked up at her, startled by her sudden appearance. He let go of Rory, affectionately touched her shoulder and gave her one of his gorgeous half-smiles. So this was them, having their moment. And even though it was short, it was sweet and it was much needed, for the both of them.

Rory, crossing her fingers, headed towards the kitchen again to give her mom and Luke some space.

"Hey." He replied.

Suddenly he was confronted with a huge flashback of their first reconciliation one year ago.

It had always bothered him that somehow it was indeed Emily who had given him the last push he needed to suck up his pride and go get his girl back. They never spoke about it again, but a twinge of regret always kept gnawing at him.

He knew, this time he had to step up for himself. She had hurt him badly this year. There wasn't much more that could have hurt him as deeply as her betrayal. After all, to him, they weren't over the night she walked away from him. Back then he didn't move, he didn't go after her and it was the one thing in his life he would never forgive himself for.

So now, he had to be the one to make the first move. If not for the sake of their love, then at least for the sake of their friendship.

Luke knew exactly how Lorelai felt. It was an exhausting and confusing time and he knew she really needed a good friend right now. When his parents were sick and then died, he was pretty much alone. He couldn't rely on Rachel let alone his crazy drug-addicted sister. Luke was used to deal with his issues all by himself because that's how it had always been. So him becoming an introverted loner was somewhat inevitable.

The first time he started to break free from that vicious circle, was the propitious day Lorelai Gilmore first set foot into his Diner.

 _She lit a flame inside him, he thought had long died down._

 _He kept it burning low, simmering underneath thick layers of fake annoyance, grumpiness and sarcasm, until one day he had enough and finally asked her out._

 _The night they were dancing at his sister's wedding, something shifted between them. It was the night the fire finally flared up again. It hit them with full force and set them both aflame. He knew it the second he had taken her hand to lead her over to the dancefloor. The whole world disappeared around them and nothing else mattered anymore. The way they were locking eyes told him everything he ever needed to know. This was it. She was it for him. Nothing would ever change that._

 _He would remember this dance until the day he'd die._

 _'Now that I've worn out, I've worn out the world, I'm on my knees in fascination, looking through the night, and the moon's never seen me before, but I'm reflecting light...'_

 _The song still haunted his every dream of her._

Endless seconds ticked down as both of them were lost in thought. Neither of them dared to speak or even move, until Luke glanced over to the kitchen, recognizing the sweet smell that was wafting through the air around him. His eyes widened.

"What are you doing?" Panic rose in him and with a few long strides he made it to the kitchen, with Lorelai following close behind him.

"I can't believe it! I told you not do that again! You'll burn the whole place down!" he stared at Rory, who instantly started smiling at his excessive concern. It was such a Luke thing to do. She began giggling when she saw her mother stifle a laugh behind Luke's back.

And as simple as that, the spell had been broken.

Luke turned around and Lorelai's beautiful, happy face blew him away. He glanced back and forth between the girls, then spied the already baked chocolate chip cookies on the kitchen counter.

"Too late. Sorry." Rory managed to say in between laughs. Luke's serious expression finally broke and he just shook his head, smiling.

"Some things just never change, do they?"

Lorelai stopped laughing and shrugged her shoulders.

A heavy weight had been lifted from her, and just like that her head was no longer aching.

Her eyes, sparkling blue oceans were beaming up at him and directly into his heart: "I guess they don't."

Luke kept looking at her, taking in her wonderful smile.

He was at a loss for words, but right now, they didn't need any.

He knew what she meant by it. He didn't need her words right now. He had to learn the hard way, how to read between the lines.

And he had learned to accept the fact that things with the two of them would never be easy. There would never be no drama. It just wasn't meant to be like that.

And maybe it was a blessing and a curse. But it's what made them stronger after all.

Some things never changed.

They still had a long way ahead of them, but for now Luke was back where he belonged.

He was home again.


	5. The darkest day

So this is where it gets hard. I'm sorry, I really am, but this is how I need the story to be.

If you have a minute, please leave a review, I'd very much appreciate to know, what you think :-)

Ok, ready?

Let's go...

* * *

\- Chapter 5 - The darkest day -

 _Lorelai Victoria Gilmore grew up in a world of coldhearted, egocentric and ridiculously rich people whose only purpose in life seemed to be, how to accumulate more and more money and to surround themselves with useless items and even more useless people._

 _It was a cold and lonely world for a girl to grow up in, when at heart, she was wild and free._

 _She didn't understand that world and realized early on, she just didn't seem to fit in like the other girls her age. She hated wearing these stupid, scratchy dresses. She hated being quiet at a dinner table. She hated going to charity functions with her parents, pretending to be happy at a place so full of wealthy superficial hypocrites. She hated staying inside her parents' claustrophibic house, while outside kids of other, not wealthy families were playing in the snow or met to ride their bikes._

 _Sometimes she would take a book with her and sneak out the door that led to the huge garden behind the house, to climb trees and sit on their big old branches to read or stare off into the distance. She listened to birds chirping and the wind rustling and sometimes when it rained, she just kept on sitting there and enjoyed the steady, soothing sound of the falling rain._

 _She knew coming back to the house in a soaked and dirty dress would get her yet another reproachful speech from her mother. When the nanny came to take her wet clothes she would bring her a hot cocoa and hug her little shoulders when nobody was watching._

 _It was a big scary world full of scary people and even scarier expectations._

 _A world where people could easily buy their way out of duties and responsibilities. They needed a gardener, a maid, a nanny, a butler, three cars and three drivers, they would just get them and that's that. Families had vacation homes all over the country, on carribean islands or overseas. Children were to go to prestigious and costly schools and ivy league colleges. The fees were nothing they'd have to sweat about. They spent money on awful paintings and real estate, the more expensive, the better. Nobody talked about money, they just had it._

 _Nobody was surprised if a boy or girl got a big fancy car for their 16th birthday. A car so expensive a struggling teenage mother could have bought a little run-down house with it and a year's supply of diapers for her child._

 _Little did she know, one day she would be one of these young mothers. There'd be no fancy car, not even a driver's license. No cotillions and no academic degree._

 _Throughout her childhood and teenage years she felt more and more suffocated by the rules and guidelines of proper behaviour she was meant to live by. Constricted by both her parents' and society's expectations, to which she couldn't live up to no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't be, who they wanted her to be. They had been raised the way, they tried to raise her now. It was the only life, the only version of 'right' they knew and failure wasn't welcomed in wealthy circles._

 _It was a cruel world where emotions and too much kindness equaled weakness. Children were raised to become rational and strongheaded adults and weren't meant to overthink the meaning of life or the paths that were chosen for them. There was one direction and it had to be followed, no questions asked._

 _But Lorelai Gilmore had always been different from the other kids her age, she was a free spirit, wild, carefree, very smart and thoughtful, sometimes a little too crazy and often a little too loud._

 _Her father was both overwhelmed and annoyed by her improper behavior and didn't hide the disappointment he felt from time to time. He knew how smart she was and he just couldn't understand why his only daughter acted out the way she did, not using the potential she clearly had._

 _She didn't see him much though, since he spent the better half of the year in airplanes and business meetings. The little time they shared was often spent in his study, as the both of them had a huge weakness for books._

 _Her mother was a mystery in herself. Sometimes she seemed to bond with her daughter over their mutual love for shopping trips, and then there where other times when Lorelai wasn't allowed to play or even touch her beloved doll house, because she might get it dirty or break it. She couldn't talk to her mother the way girls usually, probably, did. Lorelai didn't know what a 'normal' relationship with parents could possibly look like. She was just a child, treated as an adult. Later on in life that would change to the contrary._

 _As Lorelai got older and turned into the textbook definition of a teenager, she started sneaking out of her window to meet with the little group of friends she had made at her fancy school. Kids, that were a little more like her. They enjoyed rock music and fast food, tried alcohol and cigarettes. When she found an ally in her parents' friends' son Christopher she became more and more rebellious, much to her parents' discontent. She felt like, to them, her life was a concatenation of failures. There weren't many days or nights that didn't end up in yelling and fighting over the mistakes she had made, all the while, all she really wanted was a little love and acceptance from Richard and Emily Gilmore._

 _The biggest mistake she ever made was to look for that missing love and devotion in the most wrong place possible. She gave herself away to a boy who lulled her in with his charm and seemed to be just like her, carefree but loving, when really he was just like these scary people she tried to hide from for all her life._

 _But it would take another 20 years for her to understand._

 _The night Lorelai Gilmore saw two pink stripes appear on a little plastic stick, she knew, she had to make a choice. She would not be weak. She would not take the easy way out. She would live through this. And even though everybody called it failure and wanted her to make it undone, she decided she would live with the consequences of her actions. And soon enough that 'consequence' became her life's only purpose._

 _On October 8th 1984 at 4.03 AM she gave birth to her daughter. Alone and confused in a grey, cold hospital room at age 16._

 _She held her little wonder safely in her arms, thankful and awestruck by that tiny little person, looking up at her with the most beautiful, big blue eyes she had ever seen. Trusting her mother completely, to take care of her, to always be there for her, to love her unconditionally. There was no greater love than the love of a mother for her child._

 _And if there'd be nothing left of her in this world, her daughter would remain. She was proof, that Lorelai Gilmore was not weak. She was proof, that she had created something, someone amazing and beautiful. This girl would be her legacy in a world full of insignificance. So she named her after herself to pass on a little something of herself in her baby girl. Her daughter would have everything she never had. A better life, full of love and joy and music. Her precious little baby girl meant the world to her, she was the only reason she kept going._

 _She stayed at her parents' house for another year, until one night in early November 1985 she stole 50 $ from her mother's purse and left with nothing but a stroller and a few clothes and diapers for Rory._

 _She took the last bus that would leave that very night. Hartford to Stars Hollow. A 30 minute ride, that would turn her life around once and for all._

 _And with that she had also changed her parents life forever and the relationship they would have for all times to come._

 _Big snow flakes fell out of the sky the next morning._

 _When Richard Gilmore found the note on the dresser by the front door, he broke down crying._

The days and nights had gotten colder in Connecticut, but still there was no snow in sight.

Lorelai sighed longingly as she looked out of the window at Luke's Diner.

Having family in the hospital usually made people think about their times or lives together, shared moments in happiness and sadness.

As Lorelai watched people passing by and crossing the streets in front of the Diner, her thoughts drifted back to her childhood, her troubled teeange years, and she tried to recall a time, she considered herself really and truly happy. But all she came up with was, that the first moments of real and true happiness had taken place when Rory was a toddler and they were already living in the potting shed behind the Independence Inn. It was probably the day, when Lorelai received her first pay check and was able to buy Rory her first picture book in the newly opened book store in the town center. Her little chubby hands grabbed the book and pressed it to her heart without knowing books would become the love of her life later on.

Lorelai smiled absently at the sweet memory.

She sat with her back towards Luke, but she could feel his intense stare burn a hole into her. She tried to focus back on the people outside the window, but found herself having a hard time with that today.

She would meet Rory in a few minutes and had some time to spare. Watching townies was one of her favorite pastimes, but today it didn't really help to relax her wondering mind.

The last two days went by without any major changes. Richard was still at the CICU, his condition unfortunately hadn't improved. The doctors told them the same things every day and Lorelai started getting a little frustrated with the life she was currently leading. She hated herself for these thoughts, but she couldn't help it. She just missed her former self, her former life. Pre heart attack. Pre Christopher. Pre ultimatum. These were her basic regrets and there was nothing she could do about any of them.

Luke and her were on friendly terms, but every once in a while they would catch each other staring a little too long and a little too deep.

What they were now, she wasn't sure.

He had stayed for one movie, two beers and three cookies, which of course he had to be talked into by two annoying Gilmore Girls. One hour and fifty minutes in total. And even though she was dying to talk to him, she couldn't. Not only because of Rory being there with them, but also because she simply didn't know what to say. They were full of feelings and emotions and both knew, something had shifted between them. It was so tiny and yet so huge, it caught them off guard and left them clueless on how and where to begin to fix their mess. Communication had never been their strong suit once they had started dating. So for now, it was probably safer to start as friends again, maybe it would be easier that way. But then she looked over at him and all she wanted to do was fling herself in his arms and never let go.

Lorelai let out a long sigh, she was so frustrated with herself. There had been no touching or anything of that sort, but the desperate desire that radiated from the both of them was tangible and probably couldn't be ignored much longer.

"Another one?" Luke appeared at her table, carrying a full coffee pot and smiling a careful smile. The tiny, almost invisible one, that he usually hid under layers of fake annoyance and crankiness.

Lorelai didn't react. "Hey isn't it kind of late this year, you know, for the first snow to fall? It feels like it should be here already. I want it to be here already." Another longing gaze drifted out the window and up at the cloudy early morning sky.

Luke rolled his eyes, really annoyed this time. Her fascination with snow and all things winter was beyond him. "It's weather. Snow will be here when it's ready. Thought your nose could tell you when it's about to come? Why are you thinking about that now anyway? Seems obsessive." He instantly regretted his gruff response, when she turned to look at him with big eyes.

 _Crap._ "I could really need something good in my life right now, Luke. A little something to distract me from the constant fear of losing my father. You of all people should understand." She shot him a look, that wasn't meant to be that dark, but it made him lower his head and silently say "I'm sorry."

 _Careful._

He turned to leave, when she stopped him, clutching his sleeve, pulling him back. The slight contact with his hand sent electric shocks through her body. He noticed, but let it go.

"Hey! I didn't say I didn't want coffee though, or did I?" And with that she smiled a forgiving smile and held up her mug towards Luke. His blushed face beared the tiniest of smiles again as he was pouring her coffee number three. No lectures this time.

 _Careful._ Both of them would have to be very careful around each other for the upcoming time.

It wasn't exactly walking on egg shells, but they weren't back to the place they had been before everything went wrong. Before ultimatums were given, before April showed up or even before her mother's betrayal had broken them apart for the very first time.

Trust would have to be regained and rebuilt. Both of them had made big mistakes that year, some of which were a little tougher to overcome, but it felt incredibly hard to not tease, or mock, or flirt around each other. After all, that's what started the story of Luke and Lorelai all these years ago.

But every now and then it felt like an invisible wall was standing between them, and even though they managed to severly damage it over the course of the last couple of weeks, it was still there, not ready to fall down yet.

The door opened and the bells jingled loudly and tore her away from her thoughts.

She rose from her chair quickly to greet her daughter "Hey honey. Thanks for picking me up!" Rory took her coat and scarf off and sat next to her mom. The coldness of the winter wind radiated from her and made Lorelai shiver for a moment.

"Yeah." She released an exhausted breath. "The Jeep couldn't have broken down at a worse time. Very bad timing, mom."

Luke arrived at their table, coffee cup in one hand, two plates with boysenberry pie and whipped cream in the other.

Rory beamed at him. "Aww. I missed you." She said with more truth to it than she intended to. Lorelai and Luke noticed, but didn't say anything. He just cleared his throat and adjusted his hat.

"Yeah well, that Jeep had to break down at some point, all the driving back and forth between Hartford and Stars Hollow lately wore it out. And when I looked through the service papers in the glove compartment, I saw she's late for her yearly check-up too. It's a miracle that thing survived as long as it did! I told her to get a new car a thousand times. _Gypsy_ -" he emphasized and now looked at Lorelai, in full-on rant mode " _begged_ her to buy a new car a _million_ times. But she just doesn't listen." He released a breath and stared at their smiling faces. The trigger had been pulled.

"When did you check my glove compartment?" Lorelai asked with mock suspicion.

Luke shot her a look and explained in his usual annoyed monotony. The three of them had perfected this little game throughout the years. "The other night, after the movie, when you asked me to check what the weird clattering sound could be, I checked your engine compartment to see if I could find anything odd. When I didn't, I at least decided to refill some oil and wash fluid, just in case. I remembered you keep paper towels inside your glove compartment, and since you never lock anything, I could just open it and found your service papers there. Then I checked them and cried a little." His patented sarcastic Luke-like tone made her smile. "Then I cleaned my greasy fingers, closed the hood and left."

He knew that look on her face, as if she was about to honor his last words with a 'Dirty!' but instead she just raised her eyebrows and asked "So basically you're telling me, you're the one who ruined my Jeep?"

He stared at her in disbelief "I'm the one who-?" She grinned her typical, teasing grin and he turned to leave. "Nevermind."

He threw the cleaning towel over his shoulder and made his way to the safety of the diner's kitchen.

When he heard them giggling behind him, he grinned to himself, shouting:

"Welcome back!"

.~.~.

Later that day, when Lorelai walked up the steps to her house she found a wooden basket sitting by the door, a plain white envelope lying on top of it.

She eyed it curiously before picking it up to carry it inside.

After undressing herself, she took a quick shower and changed into her comfy clothes.

Once she was settled, she turned on the TV to some random channel and grabbed the basket from the table. Whatever was inside was wrapped in pretty silky paper. Lorelai carefully opened it and red roses were hitting her with an intense smell. Her slightly shaking hands opened the envelope that was still untouched. When she peaked inside her heart skipped a beat, but not in a good way.

Inside the envelope lay a ring and a note with just two words written on it. No handwriting, she noticed disapprovingly and lifted the ring and the little piece of paper from the envelope. Of course she had noticed right away whose ring it was. It was the wedding band she had given back to Christopher just a few days ago.

The note only read 'Forgive me.'.

She got up from the couch, grabbed the flowers, walked into the kitchen, opened the trash can and threw them in forcefully.

"You've got to be kidding me!" she hissed, an hysteric edge to her voice. She stormed back into the living room, took the golden wedding ring and walked into her foyer. Lorelai slammed the ring into a small bowl on the dresser by the door. The heavy thud caused it to spin a little. Angrily she stomped up the stairs to her bedroom.

She would give it back to him another day.

.~.~.

It had been a dreamless sleep, Lorelai noticed as she woke up to the ringing of her cellphone. She hugged her pillow over her head, trying to fade out the loud annoying noise. She was dead tired and beyond angry to be woken up like this.

When the ringing didn't subside she also pulled the blanket over her head. "No!" came her muffled cry from underneath the covers.

Then it was silent for a few seconds before she heard the answering machine spring to life downstairs in the living room.

Panic suddenly rose within her and she hastly shrugged the heavy blanket and pillow from her body. Her drowsiness lessened immediately and she jumped out of the bed when one thought cut through her like a sharp knife.

"Oh god no!" her face went blank, her mouth went dry and she felt sick to her stomach. "Please no!" hot tears formed in her eyes as she was running down the stairs. The caller had just disconnected the call when Lorelai reached her telephone set and hit the Play button.

She knew what she was about to hear, her shaky hands went to cross her chest and the darkness of the room overwhelmed her as her mother's crying voice echoed all around her, cutting her open. "Lorelai, you need to come to the hospital! Your father- he's- he- they don't know what-" Her voice broke, heavy sobs shook Emily Gilmore as a numb feeling crept into every inch of Lorelai's body. "Just please come here Lorelai." The call disconnected again and Lorelai sunk down to the floor. The coldness of the floorboards made her shiver, but she didn't really feel it. Her nauseous feeling turned into a real threat. She covered her mouth with her hands and when she felt the sickness creep up her throat she jumped up to run to the kitchen sink. She hadn't been eating anything besides a piece of pie in the morning, so all there was was painful heaving and desperate tears. She coughed and couldn't force air into her aching lungs. The kitchen clock ticked loudly in her ears. The fridge droned agressively. Far outside her house a car drove by with an overreving engine.

Her shaking hands gripped onto the kitchen counter as her mind was racing. Her mother's words resonated through her brain again and again.

The darkness of the kitchen closed in on her as she sunk down to the floor once more.

"Car. I have no car!" she screamed to herself. Her panicked view went from the calendar on the fridge, over to the coffee machine, why, she didn't know.

Only one thought came to her mind and she shot up.

.~.~.

"For god's sake! It's 2 AM!" he yelled, dizzy with sleep. His lids were heavy as concrete bricks when the knocking on the door grew wilder and louder still.

Reluctantly he got up from his warm, comfortable bed and trotted over to the door, when he finally noticed the voice shouting from behind his locked apartment door.

His heart rate shot through the roof and with three long strides he made it to the door. The glass rattled in its frame continuously.

When he hurriedly pulled it open, his eyes widened in shock at the sobbing, trembling mess in front of him.

"Lorelai!" he breathed. "What-?"

She fell into his arms, making them both stumble backwards a few steps.

Luke couldn't understand what she was saying through her uncontrolled crying, but he didn't really need to, he could figure it out for himself. _He had been there before._

He hugged her tight and his hands went to her head, caressing her hair, in a desperate attempt to soothe her shaking frame.

He let her cry a few moments longer, before he carefully broke the embrace so he could look at her. Her dark blue eyes, so full of fear and uncertainty made his heart break. _They had been there before._

Memories of a santa burger, a barbie-buying and handkerchief conversation and Emily calling them both idiots, flooded his thoughts.

He forced himself to shake them off to focus back on the crying woman before him.

He guided her over to his bed, not thinking twice about it.

"Sit. I'll get dressed and then I'll get you to see your dad!"

Lorelai didn't answer, but the stream of tears slowly died down. She nodded absently, her hand gliding over the rumpled sheets she had bought him long ago.

.~.~.

When they arrived at the CICU at John Skinner Medical Center 40 minutes later, they were immediately pulled aside by a nurse, who wore a concerned frown on her face.

"Mrs. Gilmore?" she asked quietly, remembering Lorelai's face even through dried tears and worried furrows marking it deeply. She was used to seeing scared and devastated faces, unfortunately it was nothing new for her. When Lorelai only nodded, the nurse glanced over at Luke and her mind roamed for a second before she decided, no matter who he was, this woman would not be able to stand on her own, if she sent him away.

She led them to the waiting room, Emily was nowhere to be seen.

"Your father is in emergency surgery right now."

The words made no sense to her and the glaring neon lights were burning hot patterns into her irises. Lorelai was placed on the familiar couches in the waiting area. Her body didn't feel attached to her brain anymore, it must have been Luke who sat her down. But she didn't feel anything. He took her hand, but she didn't feel that either.

"Dr. Goldstein will be here as soon as he can." She wasn't allowed to tell the two of them more than that, but the look she gave Luke told him what he needed, but dreaded to know. Lorelai's head lay heavy on his shoulder as she stared at his shoes, counting the lugs and loops there and wondered if he owned any shoe polish, not that these type of working boots required any, but still, she was wondering. She would ask him later.

The intensity of the noises inside her head made her dizzy.

One last sympathetic look was given, then the nurse turned to leave.

"Thank you." Luke said quietly, hugging Lorelai tighter to him. It took all his strength to not shower her face with tender kisses. _Careful._

"Shhh." He continued caressing her brown curls, sending prayers to the big guy on the cloud above. He once had stopped believing, but now he was begging him to just work one of his miracles for them tonight.

Two unbearable hours later Emily and Lorelai Gilmore were still sitting in the waiting room of John Skinner Medical Center. They didn't speak, they didn't move. Silent panic was written all across their features. Knees were shaking, nervous feet were tapping on the ground. They were exhausted from pacing the floors back and forth restlessly for almost two hours straight. Lorelai now bit her nails and Emily counted the tiles on the floor for the 27th time coming up with yet another result. Luke came around the corner, holding two coffee cups in his hands.

Neither of the women looked up, when they took the hot steaming mugs from him.

They hadn't called Rory yet, knowing she would be having her last final today. Luke thought it was a bad idea, he knew she would not approve of the decision her mother had made. But he didn't say anything as Lorelai was a complete wreck as it was.

He remembered the feeling of unspeakable fear and total lack of control all too well.

 _'Mr. Danes, I'm sorry. There was nothing we could have done. Your father stopped breathing in his sleep.'_

The Doctor hadn't been out of the operating room yet and after yelling at the sixth nurse in only 30 minutes Emily had given up and was now staring at the ground, counting floor tiles.

Another hour had ticked down, when the doors to the hallway, behind which the emergency operating room was located, finally pushed open.

Luke noticed first.

His heart hammered in his chest.

The silence grew louder.

Cautious steps made their way towards them, when the Gilmore women finally looked up. The second their eyes hit the Doctor's serious face, they knew.

Lorelai stared at him in shock, the room spinning and turning dark around her, she stopped breathing entirely.

Emily instantly broke into tears, a loud cry escaping her aching throat, as she rose from her chair and fell right back down.

Luke hung his head in defeat, his heart aching for these two women, the muscles in his jaw flexed, trying to keep the tears at bay.

On December 6th 2006, 6.17 AM Richard Gilmore's heart had stopped beating.

Against his promise, he had gone first.

Leaving his wife and daughter a shattered, heartbroken mess.

As Luke was giving his best to listen to the Doctor explain what had happened in the emergency surgery and why Richard didn't survive another heart attack he had had around midnight, Emily and Lorelai drifted off to another time and place, another universe. A universe where nothing bad had happened. A universe that was warm and bright and happy and still had their husband and father in it, safe and sound. A universe far far away from the nightmare that was now playing out in front of them.

Luke had taken Lorelai's hand, his efforts to warm her ice cold fingers turned out useless. She seemed to be in a trance. Unaware and numb to her surroundings. As people were talking and walking around them busily, her world had come to a crashing halt. There was nothing there but silence and darkness. He noticed that she hadn't been crying a single tear yet and it reminded him of himself. He squeezed her hand a little tighter, knowing exactly how she felt. All her bodily functions concentrated on keeping her alive, on her not suffocating under the weight of what they had just been told. It took all her strength to keep breathing. From this day on, nothing would ever be the same.

A few minutes later a nurse led the three of them to a separated area in the back of the hallway.

One of the three simple white wooden doors opened when the nurse held her key card against it. In the middle of the hospital's grieving room stood another nurse, arranging a little table with a cream colored candle, a single white rose and a heartshaped stone that had Richard's name written on it.

The soft candlelight flickered evenly in the otherwise dimly lit room, giving it some strange but soothing kind of holy glow.

The oaken floor created a feeling of warmth and outside the window, the winter sun was rising, breaking through thick grey clouds.

It could have been a good day, but instead it was hell on earth.

A new stream of tears made Emily stumble backwards against Luke. Through her watery eyes she gave him an ambiguous look and turned to sit on the couch by the window. She didn't dare to come close to the arrangement in the center of the room.

Luke tried not to think too much of it and when he was sure Lorelai and Emily were settled for a minute he left the room to make a phone call.

Because someone had to.

The dialing tone hurt his ears. He wasn't quite ready for this.

"Oh hey, hi Luke? Wow, not even 7 AM huh. Pretty early for you to call! Well I mean, it's probably not early for you, since you're always up this-" he then interrupted her sleepy, but rambling greeting.

"Rory." he paused with closed eyes, swallowing hard while trying to keep his act together.

"Come to the hospital."


	6. Grieving

Hello lovelies,

here goes chapter 6. Please don't hate me. But we want them to get back on track, right? And hurting is part of healing, you agree?

Alright, let's go.

Feedback is appreciated as always ;-)

* * *

\- Chapter 6 - Grieving -

The first hours after the impact went by painfully slowly.

The news they had been given, hit them like a bomb, leaving nothing but destruction and desperation in its aftershock.

And even though Luke knew how to handle the organisational things that followed the death of a family member, he wasn't used to the big, scary, overwhelming flood of emotions from three generations of Gilmore women.

One of which was his ex-fiancé, his best friend and the love of his life all in one.

He did his best to stay calm and controlled for them. Emily turned her nose from time to time, but still let him help them with phone calls and paperwork.

Richard's belongings had been given to them and around noon they were sent home. In a brown paper bag lay his watch and his glasses, his wallet and keys. Emily spent half an hour folding his clothes neatly before she carefully placed them in the little suitcase they had brought to the hospital. She didn't let go of the bags for one minute, she didn't even let Luke help her carry them down the stairs. A friend of Emily and Richard had come to pick her up and drive her home safely, while Luke took the girls with him. They would get Rory's car the next day.

When they arrived at home, everything about the house felt different. The smell, the light, the whole atmosphere. Something was definitely odd, but Lorelai couldn't really point her finger on it. She had an uneasy feeling and somehow it felt like her mind was far behind her body, which was suddenly curled up in a heavy comforter on her bed. Luke must have helped her, she didn't remember.

What she did remember was his unwavering presence in the room, the comfort he gave her, the ease with what he moved around her house and bedroom. He knew every corner of her house, _their_ house. To her, it was still that, _their_ _house_. She hoped, that one day, it would finally feel like their _home_ again. She saw all the love he had and always would have for her reflected in his gorgeous eyes, even if he didn't speak all that much. And she silently thanked him for everything he did. Even though the smile didn't reach her eyes, she hoped, that one day and with his help, maybe it would again.

When she woke up a few hours later, Rory was looking at her with sleepy eyes.

"Hey hon." Lorelai's raspy voice appeared for the first time in hours, hurting her own ears.

Her daughter's face remained unchanged. "Hey." Was all she said, barely above a whisper.

Lorelai rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. A million thoughts were shooting through her head all at once, as the nap seemed to have opened the gates in her brain. She didn't feel like getting up, but she also wasn't the type to lie around in bed, hoping her problems would resolve themselves. Busying herself would keep her from thinking and feeling too much. She briefly wondered at what point it was possible to just drop dead from exhaustion and heartache.

"You're already up?" Rory asked tiredly as she watched her mother walk out of the bedroom.

Then she heard steps on the stairs and a faint smell of coffee wafted through the air.

When she arrived downstairs to join her mom, Lorelai was already sitting at the kitchen table with a hot steaming mug in front of her.

"Luke's?" Rory asked, even though the special aroma already gave it away. Lorelai only nodded, handing her daughter a note.

' _Rory, Lorelai,_

 _I wish I could make this any easier for you. I'm so sorry, it shouldn't be this way. You don't deserve this. Please remember that I'm here for you. Anything you need, anything I can do, let me know. I'll be over around 7 with two burgers. I will stay while you eat them. Don't forget to drink! And I mean, not just coffee._

 _We'll get through this._

 _See you later,_

 _Luke'_

When she was done reading, a sad smile crossed Rory's face, fresh tears in her eyes "He's good!" she simply said, her words hiding the actual meaning well. Lorelai nodded absently. "I know."

The rest of the day was mostly spent in silence, they didn't talk much, knowing if they did, they would only end up in tears. By dusk Lorelai had already cleaned the entire kitchen twice, needless to say nobody ever cooked in that kitchen anyway. Rory just let her have her way and retrieved into her room to write a quick e-mail to her dean at Yale, letting him know, due to personal reasons, she would be absent for the rest of the month. She talked to Lane on the phone, who had already been informed about Richard's death by Luke. They were talking for a while and Rory was thankful for the distraction, even if it only lasted a few minutes.

A little later, Rory sorted some of the few books that were still there in her old room, re-arranging them back and forth, but coming up with exactly the same order they were in to begin with. While looking through _her_ old room, which had been changed so much, while so little of her remained, she had shed a few new tears. Gigi had certainly made her presence known. Rory hugged Colonel Clucker to her chest and lay on the bed for a while, staring patterns into the ceiling. Logan called her back around London noon time and she talked to him for almost an hour.

At 7.45 there was a soft knock on the front door. Lorelai had just gotten out of the bathroom, a towel still on her head, as she hurried down the steps.

"Hey. Sorry I'm a little late." Luke said when she let him in. She tried to smile, but it still didn't reach her eyes.

He held three bags with the familiar coffee cup logo up at her. "These are for you. I made a small selection. I have to close up the Diner today, but I will stay to make sure, you eat at least one burger and a few fries."

She was thankful he didn't comment on her very old, very ugly comfy-clothes and the washed-out towel on her head, but after all, he was Luke, these things just didn't matter to him.

Lorelai looked through the bags as she placed them on the kitchen counter. "Is that salad?" she eyed the small bag suspiciously, then looked up at him with a frown.

Luke rolled his eyes at her "It's good for you, it's healthy. Eat it!"

"Eat what?" Rory emerged from her old room, giving Luke a quick hug.

"Salad." Lorelai said disgusted and Rory looked at Luke.

"I thought you liked us?" the little pout on her lip eased the tension in the room a little.

Luke's expression softened, when his eyes met Rory's. "You know I do." The simple but heartfelt words directed at her daughter, sent shivers down Lorelai's spine "And because I do, I need you to eat and drink! I know you're grieving, and I know you may not feel hungry or tired or thirsty. But believe me, I've been there! Three days after my dad had died, I passed out while walking up the stairs to the apartment. I felt dizzy all day from not having eaten properly in days. No one was there to make me do it, so I didn't." They looked at him with big eyes. "I don't want that to happen to you. You don't have to eat much, but please, at least try." With that he took the bag from Lorelai and sat down at the kitchen table.

"And this-" he said, unpacking the box from the bag "-is my salad."

He pointed to the two other bags: "These are yours. Eat up!"

Lorelai and Rory exchanged a tiny smile and grabbed their bags, which smelled nothing like salad at all.

.~.~.

About an hour later Luke was on his way back to the Diner.

He knew the biggest breakdown was yet to come. Right now they would try to stay busy because it was what kept them from falling apart.

 _Luke didn't go inside Richard's room with them when they said their last and final goodbyes, sensing it would upset Emily. He didn't want to make things any more complicated and uneasy for her._

 _When Lorelai came out of the room she was a broken shell of her former self. The vivacious woman he'd grown to love was nowhere to be seen. She stared at him with cold, empty eyes, waiting desperately for the tears to come. Luke took her in his arms and held her close to him, whispering words of condolence and comfort. Lorelai didn't say much, she just clung to Luke, holding onto him, the ice wall around her only melting a little at his wonderful embrace._

 _Breathing in his familiar scent, feeling his stubble on her cheek and hearing, but not really listening to the dark, soothing timbre of his voice, gave her a strange sense of inner calm, before reality hit her again and the wall was back up._

 _When Rory first arrived she ran straight to her mother, hugging her in silence, clinging to her, tears running free, lining and scarring her fragile face._

 _Suddenly she was 10 years old again, standing by an impromptu grave Luke had set up to bury a suffocated caterpillar._

 _When Lorelai let her go, Luke took Rory in his arms. Nobody spoke a word. Nobody had any to begin with._

.~.~.

The next day Luke had Ceasar open the Diner and cover for the bigger part of the day.

When he got home that night, the events of the last two days roamed through his head again, leaving him sleepless.

Grief is a process, Luke had once been told.

The first hours or days were usually marked by denial and isolation. For Emily it hadn't been long until she made it to the next stage.

Anger. Full-blown, raw anger. She was screaming, shouting accusations, not only at hospital staff, but also at Lorelai and Luke. He just let it go by. He knew it wasn't his fault, just as it wasn't Lorelai's or Dr. Goldstein's fault that Richard didn't survive two heart attacks and two difficult open heart surgeries in just two weeks.

Grieving is difficile and very personal. There was no right or wrong to it, no time limit or time frame and no rules to help someone get through it. There were endless questions with no real answers to them. It was a thin line to cross into guilt. And Lorelai seemed to just skip all these phases and went straight into something resembling depression. She didn't say much, she didn't drink or eat enough, she didn't rest properly. It would take a few more days for her body to break down completely until she was able to accept any real help. Right now, all that Luke could do, was stand by her, make sure she'd make it through the day and simply let her know, that he was there for her, for them, no matter what.

Part of that was helping her with funeral arrangements.

Rory had moved in with Emily temporarily, to make sure she would at least eat and sleep. Emily was nothing but a restless ghost as the first days after Richard's passing had gone by. She seemed to have broken free from herself and was now floating in space, unable to be reached in any way. But time was running out, so Lorelai and Rory convinced her, it would be best if Lorelai would make all the arrangements for the upcoming burial by herself.

"Don't screw up." was all Emily said, not really meaning it but unable to voice her concerns any other way. They were all hurt, their feelings were raw and intense like they had been cut open with a rusty knife. No one had the strength to sugarcoat anything anymore. They just functioned from one day to another, because they had to.

The weather got colder and more unsuitable for a burial with every passing day. It was unusally cold that year and Lorelai was in shock when she realized, it could be possible, her favorite time of the year might be a hinderance to giving her father a graceful and decent funeral. It made her sick to her stomach, to know that at some time in winter, the soil could be too frozen to excavate a grave. These aren't things anyone should ever have to think about.

The funeral was scheduled for tuesday, the 12th of December, at 1 PM. So close to the holidays and Christmas, ruining the festival of love once and for all times to come.

Luke, unfortunately, having quite the experience with setting up funerals, made sure to help Lorelai with everything that needed to be done and organized now.

She had only been helping with organising her grandmother's funeral, but an agency Emily had hired did most of the arrangements, so she didn't know, just how much work the whole set-up actually required. She was glad for the distraction and she seemed to have no problem with busying herself with new things every waking hour of the day.

The nights were harder. She was alone, Rory still stayed with Emily. Several times a day, Luke would bring something to eat and they'd talk or just sit in her kitchen, watching the almost untouched food get cold.

He didn't address her unusal cold demeanor. He knew it wouldn't last. Right now she was just functioning. Trying to keep herself from dying too.

Once the casket would be interred into the cold dark ground, she would break, at the latest. He knew it, he had been there. Twice.

.~.~.

Three days after Richard's passing Luke was over at Lorelai's house to show her what he had arranged so far.

She was grateful to have him, to help her pick out a decent casket, a respectable pastor, music and flowers for the ceremony.

The Gilmore women had also decided that Richard would not be laid to rest in the Gilmore family mausoleum, but instead he would find his last resting place under majestic willow trees at Cedar Hill Cemetery in Hartford, surrounded by a beautiful and worthy scenery. Lorelai and Rory had shown Emily the place and she agreed right away. She didn't want her husband to be locked away in a 'dark, musty chamber of depression' anyway.

Her choice of words was what made all of them suppress a chuckle for the first time since the day that Richard had died.

Sookie and Luke had found an experienced catering agency to cater for the wake following the funeral, since, unfortunately, Sookie was too wrapped up in the Dragonfly's Pre-Christmas business.

Lorelai made sure Emily would be okay with the decisions that had been made by now. Much to her surprise Emily didn't criticize one thing, in fact the word 'perfect' was used quite often.

What Emily didn't know was, that Luke was the one who helped making it 'perfect'.

It was Luke's suggestion to not let Emily know in order to keep her from getting mad at Lorelai. He would never be Emily's favorite person so there was no use in upsetting her any more by telling her, he of all people helped with funeral preparations.

Lorelai felt bad about it, and at the same time she admired, how once again, Luke didn't make a big deal out of it. He just silently did the best he could and let her 'Thank you' be enough.

Just as they were about to listen through their song choices again and a melodic piano piece filled the living room, there was a soft knock on the front door.

"Shall I pause it?" Luke asked, pointing to the stereo, as Lorelai got up from her position on the floor by the couch. "Nah, it's ok. It's probably just the mail man. I had the invitations sent by overnight express." she explained, walking over to the foyer.

Through the frosted glass she could see a tall figure, dressed in dark clothes.

When she opened the door her face fell.

"What do you want?" she asked right away, her voice icy, her body not moving an inch.

"Lor, please, let me in."

As he said it, Lorelai turned around and reached into the bowl on the dresser. She stirred the content without looking and finally felt it lying underneath her car keys.

She stomped back and ignored Luke, who had just gotten up from the couch to see who was at the door. He stopped in the doorframe when he saw Lorelai handing something to Christopher, who clearly wasn't happy about it, whatever it was.

When he spied Luke standing between foyer and living room he shoved Lorelai aside and entered her house.

Lorelai sprang to action immediately. "Get out of here Christopher!" she yelled, her face a frantic mask.

"You better leave right now!" Luke's voice an unshakable threat, "before I'll make you leave."

Christopher ignored him and headed to the living room. When he noticed the burning fireplace, some flowers sprawled across the table and music playing in the background, he turned around laughing. "What is this? Are you two on a date or something? Because, to me, that is pretty ridiculous, since she is still married to me!" He shot Luke a nasty look and waved his left hand in front of him.

"No, you goddamn idiot!" Luke hissed, stepping closer to him.

"These are funeral arrangements! Richard died three days ago!"

A furious Lorelai interrupted him "But hey, I bet you couldn't care less, since you didn't even bother to check in for a week! Oh wait, no! There were ugly red roses on my front porch a few days ago. I bet that counts as checking in for you, does it?" Her eyes had turned into tight slits and the two men stared at her taken aback.

"If you knew me at all, you'd know I hate red roses, they're cliche and boring and stupid! And your note," she snorted, "are you even serious? _'Forgive me.'_ " she mocked. "Forgive me? Like it's some sort of military order. How about, 'I'm sorry!' for starters?" she exploded on him.

Luke knew it was about to come. She stepped free from the prison she had locked herself in the second she knew her father was gone. All the bottled up emotions burst free in that very moment. She looked exhausted and broken, the need to hug her close and run away to a happier place with her, was overwhelming.

Christopher turned around again to take a closer look at the catalogues and papers that were spread out all over the table and floor around it. There were flower and fabric samples, CD's, lists and a brochure displaying a selection of various coffins.

He stared at Lorelai in shock. "What, Lor- when, what happ-"

"He had another heart attack. He didn't survive the emergency surgery. And now Luke is helping me with funeral arrangements, because he knows what to do!" she said angrily.

Chris glanced at Luke and quickly back at Lorelai. Even with his mocking tone, his expression remained almost hateful. "Of course he does! He's always there! Whether he is asked to, or not! He's such a good guy. Just a friend helping out. He always knows what to do, huh? Sad thing he didn't know how to keep you in his life when he had the chance."

Luke's jaw flexed, his fists clenched painfully. "Shut up!" he hissed.

Christopher threw his arms up in a dramatic gesture. "Oh what now? Superman can't take the truth or what? Accept it, she is not yours! She will never be yours again! Even if you two ever made it happen again, I will _always_ be here. In this house, in her heart, in her head."

He stared at her, but she just stared at her feet. Every word hit them like a punch to the stomach.

"She married me! You had your shot. And you failed!"

Lorelai stood between them, overwhelmed by what to do or what to say. Christopher wasn't done yet, he turned around to glare at Luke again "It must kill you to know, that I have her now. I didn't need time to think about it twice. Same with her, she didn't hestitate and I didn't make her wait! She said 'Yes' to me, she chose me over you. Because obviously you're a goddamn fool!"

Luke briefly wondered just how much Lorelai had told Christopher about their break up or the reasons and events leading up to it, and when he still continued, Luke's head seemed to explode.

"How could you be so stupid to let her walk away?" Chris said it painfully slowly, staring Luke deep in the eyes, knowing he had finally hit the right spot.

Lorelai swallowed hard, the bitter truth in Christopher's words shook her to the core. The next thing she saw was Luke's clenched fist hitting Christopher's face hard and effective.

He stumbled back, pressing his hand over his nose, small stains of blood visible on his fingertips.

"We are not done!" he said to the both of them.

On his way out of door he threw her ring in the small bowl on the dresser again.

Meanwhile the song had finished and the spinning sound of the CD in the stereo was the only sound filling the room for another few moments.

Luke's heart sank, as he realized what he had done. He knew Lorelai had a huge problem with violence of any kind.

"Lorelai, I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to hit him. It's just, the things he said, and he- his face- I-" he stopped, how should he put it a nice way? Christopher's presence always made him flip, his appearance and demeanor were so cocky and annoying, his face so punchable. This wasn't the first time he had hit him. And he wasn't so sure it would be the last.

Luke could tell her mind was racing, confusing her, leaving her speechless.

Some of Christopher's words were true, unfortunately. And Luke knew, that Lorelai knew.

More seconds ticked down before she finally snapped from her daze.

"I-I can't do this now. This is neither the time nor place for this, Luke!" she looked so disappointed, it made his heart ache even more. _Great job, Danes!_

"I don't want to see you right now! Please leave."

When he didn't move, she tried again.

"Go." she repeated, her eyes a plea.

Luke just shook his head.

And suddenly she yelled. "Go! Get out of here!"

The words hit him with such force, he couldn't remember he had ever seen her like that. She started pushing him away. "Just go! Leave me alone!"

It was no use arguing with her now. He lifted his hands in surrender so she would stop pushing him.

When they had reached the front door, he turned to look at her. He saw the hurt and confusion written all over her face and it probably reflected in his own eyes.

„I will be back." was all he said before turning to leave.

She wanted to believe him. She wanted so badly to believe him. As she sunk down against the now closed front door she was surprised that there still weren't any tears.

 _I really must have finally run out of them_ , she thought. She stared at the old wooden boards underneath her feet. It was a nightmare. All of this was a nightmare and she just couldn't wake up from it. She closed her eyes in defeat, her shoulders hung low, her hammering head was pressed against her knees as she prayed for all of this craziness to end.

Luke was running from her house in a high pace. He needed to clear his head and running usually helped him do that.

He was running as fast as his old, aching bones allowed, but he probably would have given the 18 year old track star Luke some major competition. His mind was a complete blank at first. All he focused on was his breathing and setting one foot in front of the other.

He knew she was hurting, but he was too. He was so sad for her and her loss was his loss too. He knew all too well how she felt at the moment. It was a stressful, confusing time as it was and Christopher's little performance didn't help making things any easier for Lorelai or the both of them.

As Luke was pacing through the town center, he neared the walkway that led to the park and the cemetery. He stared at the old iron portal and stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of the street.

A car honked at him for his dangerous move but he just let it drive by, since he couldn't even really hear anything besides the loud painful beating of his racing heart.

"What the hell am I doing?"

Like he was struck by lighting, Luke turned around and ran back the same way he had been coming from.

He didn't wait for an answer to his forceful knocking as he burst through the door to find a distracted looking Lorelai sitting crosslegged on her living room floor. She stared into the fire place, something seemed to hypnotize her there. He tried to calm his heavy breathing. He wasn't used to that kind of running anymore, so he had to take off his baseball cap to wipe some sweat off his forehead. He didn't really pay attention, when he dropped it to the floor and turned his attention to the woman staring into the fire.

"Lorelai?"

She didn't react.

He tried again, carefully circling the couch to come closer to her. "Lorelai, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot." The way he said it could barely hide that he meant so much more than just what had happened a few minutes ago.

She finally looked up at him for a second, her face a blank mask. She didn't say a word, she just looked back into the bright, flickering light of the fireplace again. Right at front he saw something shiny gleam in the flames.

It pretty much looked like some piece of jewelry and his heart stopped once he realized it could have been, indeed, a ring.

He turned around to stare at Lorelai, who was still sitting there motionless and without any expression in her face at all.

Luke took another step closer to her, he was speechless and desperately tried to will her to look at him with his sheer staring. She took a breath. Her lashes fell against her cheeks.

Silence.

"Go."


	7. Longing

It's November 5th :-) we all know what that means:

Happy 2nd anniversary to Luke and Lorelai, the sweetest, hottest, most perfect couple in TV history!

A big 'Thank you' to everyone, who took the time to write a lovely review, you guys are my sunshine on a rainy day :D

Now this one is probably my favorite so far...

Let's sap this up a notch *harrharrrr*

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\- Chapter 7 - Longing -

„Go."

She said it with a determination that made Luke sick to his stomach.

 _How did we end up like this again?_

He remembered how he had accepted the fact, that things with her would never be easy, or that there would never be no drama. _But god, it was hard!_

Luke kneeled down next to her. The fire was warming his back, but when he took her hand in his, he noticed it was cold as ice.

She didn't pull away.

"I will not go, Lorelai!" he looked at her with a dead serious stare.

She still didn't look back at him, no tears at bay.

"Lorelai, listen to me! The things Christopher said... I-I know, some of what he said, was true. Believe me, I know." There was the tiniest flicker in her eyes. "And what I did just now, that was dumb, idiotic. The punching him, the running away. That was the old Luke. But I don't want to be the old Luke anymore, okay? No more running away, no more avoiding problems. I want to be here for you. Now and always. I want to support you, help you, lo-" he stopped. She finally looked up at him, a glint of hope sparkling there, almost unnoticable. "Lorelai, please, we really need to talk about this... about us." he begged, the last words a cautious plea.

"Luke…" She took a breath and stared back at the fireplace. _It was safer that way._

"My life is a mess. I can't take any more heartache right now. I just can't. I'm exhausted and I'm tired. I know we need to talk about... everything, but right now... it's all too much." She paused. "And you're right, some of the things Christopher said, _are_ indeed true. Funny, huh?"

He hung his head in defeat.

"And I-I'm sorry… but I don't know what else to say to you right now."

It was the truth. She was all talked out. She was all cried out. There wasn't much left of her and even though she had to admit there was a little part buried deep inside of her, that was glad he came back after only a few minutes, she still didn't know how to go on from here. Christopher's words had hit home a little too close.

It was her parents vow renewal all over again, just that their parts were reversed this time.

Luke swallowed the lump in his throat and felt like he had enough tears to cry for the both of them. _Why the hell was it always that complicated with the two of them?_

They had just begun to rebuild their old friendship, or a little something more than that, when Christopher's rude outburst had ruined what they had achieved so far.

He couldn't let it happen again.

Luke tenderly turned her hand around in his. He closed his eyes and breathed a bittersweet kiss to her palm.

He felt it shooting through her. The hair on her forearm betrayed her controlled expression and for a split second he was sure he saw the tiniest hint of a smile in her eyes. They always gave her away.

This had to be enough for now. He would force her to talk to him at some point, but he accepted that she didn't want or couldn't do it just yet.

With cracking knees he got up to stand and tried to ignore the question, what exactly it was that she had thrown into the fire.

Lorelai was right, their lives were a mess. But still he would give her time, because she was worth it. She was worth the pain, worth the fight and worth the broken heart. She was his home and he would never leave her again. The way they would have to go, would be long and bumpy, but he was willing to overcome every obstacle this time.

"Let me know when you do."

He waited a moment longer for any kind of reaction, but when it didn't come, he turned to leave.

After endless, painfully long seconds the front door finally closed.

She released a shaky breath and when she breathed back in, she also took in his scent that still lingered in the air around her. She stared into her palm, where just a minute ago, his gorgeous soft lips had planted a seed of hope, that this time things could be different. A seed so small, so fragile, that she didn't allow it to blossom just yet. She felt ready before, but she was also afraid. Love hurts, she had realized that a long time ago. But she didn't know if she was ready for that kind of hurt all over again. Or ever again. Her father had once said _'Pain is part of life.'_ , but to her it felt, that these days, her life was part of pain.

When she closed her tired eyes, one single hot tear finally slipped out of the corner of her eyes. It made its way down her cheek and dropped into the palm of the very hand that Luke had just kissed. It burnt her with the heat of a thousand fires as memories and feelings of years overwhelmed her.

 _In her mind's eye she saw mashed potates, a dead caterpillar, Bert sitting on her porch for the hundreth time, tools rattling on her roof, a Santa burger, the hunting of a loose chicken, him unloading a beautiful, handcarved Chuppah on her lawn, 52,50 $ spent on a disgusting basket full of crap, triple chocolate chip pancakes and hundreds of thousands of coffee cups poured, birthday balloons and cakes for her kid, a Yale mattress he still stored in his attic, Bert again in the church, about to break some annoying bells, dancing underneath the stars, a beautiful flower bouquet, an eight year old horoscope, an entire ice rink, him in the kitchen at her Inn, heated front porch kisses, the way he said 'Yes' to her within the blink of an eye. Luke making love to her, worshipping her, Luke begging her for help with his sick daughter, Luke, holding a freaking bag of fish in the middle of her darkest nightmare…_ It was all in this little kiss. The countless, incredible and selfless things he had done for her in just ten short years outweighed the almost tiny mistakes that he had made by far. For a second she thought, he was way too good to her and for her and suddenly she didn't feel like she was worthy of him at all.

"So not fair!" she said to herself, almost pouting as she finally got up from the ground.

Paul Anka trotted into the living room and she felt a painful sting turtoring her chest. The dog carried some blue fabric in his jaw. When he had reached his mistress he let the item fall to the floor before her. He looked up at her and whined. His cute, wet nose tipped the blue baseball cap against her feet repeatedly.

Lorelai couldn't help but smile. Her crazy dog was letting her know just how stupid she was acting. Paul Anka barked at her and she bowed down to pick up Luke's hat. The blue hat. The one she had given him all these years ago. This was the first time she noticed it, even though she was sitting next to him the whole morning.

Her thoughts drifted off to the evening all these years ago, when she had given him this very hat.

 _Even though Christmas was two weeks away, he had accepted her gift and crazy explanation. They watched the townies rehearse the procession in the comfortable warmth and darkness of the Diner. He was standing so close, smelling so good._

 _'Thanks for the hat.'_

 _'You're welcome... Looks good on you.'_

She'll never forget his cocky but gorgeous face when he asked her 'Good how?'

She had just seen it out of the corner of her eye, but she was sure, it was safer that way.

'Just watch the procession.' was what she had answered instead.

She wondered if, deep down inside, she already knew _it_ back then.

She was sure, Luke did, since he had opened up to her about his feelings when they had their first date at Sniffy's. He had kept her horoscope for eight years. He never gave up hope, that one day, _him and her_ would happen. He was all in. He would not just walk away. That night he had asked her, if she was scared. She didn't answer back then. She couldn't, because the answer would have probably been 'Yes.' She was afraid of letting him in completely. She was afraid of these big overwhelming feelings for him. She didn't know she could feel like that. It was different from the love for Rory, but equally as powerful, and she didn't know what to think of it. She was afraid of that kind of commitment and most of all, she was afraid of getting hurt. Luke was her best friend, what was she supposed to do without him, if things went wrong?

And now she knew.

She would exist, but she would struggle.

A shell of her still walked and breathed, but it felt nothing like living without Luke. Being at his side, being close to him, having him in her life.

And now, she was scared again, because everytime she opened back up, and he finally made a move like she always wanted him to, she took a step back. Or let him walk away.

 _I guess we're not that different after all._

He said he'd be back. But for how long could they continue this exhausting hide and seek?

Lorelai wasn't so sure anymore, if it was enough for her to be just friends. If she could never have him again, she didn't know if she would survive this time.

She turned the hat over and over in her hand. It was well-worn and the liveliness of the blue color had faded. _Just like its owner_ , she thought, it looked a little rumpled and sad, but it was still here as a reminder of what she really meant to him. Pressing the hat against her chest, she smiled a tiny, careful smile.

.~.~.

"So you really threw dad's ring into the fire, huh?" Rory yelled towards the kitchen, inspecting the fireplace.

"Yup." came Lorelai's curt response, as she was walking to the couch, two sodas in her hand.

Rory stifled a grin and eyed her mom curiously. "And Luke really punched him? Again?" Lorelai just nodded, that part wasn't so funny to her.

"So... what now, what are you going to do now?" Rory asked.

Lorelai thought about it for a little while before she answered. "Well it.. it wasn't exactly a fight and he-, I mean, Luke was…" she stopped, replaying yesterday's evening in her head.

 _He had brought food, of course. Plus four to go cups of coffee and some brownies in case Rory would be over later that night. She gave him his hat without saying a word at first. Luke took it from her and pulled her into a tight, forgiving embrace. Once again it took all his strength to not kiss her hair or her temple. She felt his full, soft lips against it, two or three times they brushed her ear. The sound and warmth of his breathing still made her feel a tingle run through her whole body. She felt the tension leaving her body as she almost melted into a puddle at the safe feeling of his tender embrace._

' _Still looks good on you' she said with a sad, shaky voice before he left to make it back in time for the dinner rush. He promised to call her back after closing time, and of course he had. There hadn't been a big speech, not even some well prepared words. Instead it was a silent forgiving. The way they had established their deep and trusting friendship all these years ago made it easier to let go off any resentment that might have been left. When they had said their good night and went to their empty, cold beds alone, both of them tried to find peace and warmth in the remembrance of each others words._

 _'Luke?'_

 _'Yeah?'_

 _'Will we get better one day?'_

 _'We will be fine.'_

 _'How do you know?'_

 _'I know.'_

 _'But how?'_

 _'Lorelai... It's you and it's me.' He had stopped talking after that, but Lorelai could hear the smile on his lips and she knew exactly what he meant and the feeling it created in her was both confusing and wonderful. She prayed to god, 'one day' would be here sooner rather than later._

Lorelai absently rubbed her empty ringfinger, while staring at the ashes in the fireplace. Sensing her discomfort, Rory turned towards the living room table. _Off to safer ground._

She flicked through the folder Luke and Lorelai had put together. Keeping all the papers organzied and neatly documented seemed to help her immensly with staying focused and distracted her from all the sadness she was feeling.

"This looks really good mom." Rory said, pointing to a page that showed pictures of the various flower arrangements they had picked out for December 12th.

Lorelai sat down on the couch, handing Rory the soda and a pop tart, she pulled from her back pocket.

"Thanks." she smiled at her mom.

Both of them had made a little progress in that department. They knew it wouldn't be right to suppress every tiny spark of hope and happiness, that presented itself from time to time. Richard wouldn't have wanted them to be sobbing empty shells. He would have wanted them to be the lively, positive and strong women everybody knew they were. Grief was a complex process, coping with loss a deeply personal experience. Most of the times they didn't understand the whirlwind of emotions that kept stirring inside of them. But they knew it was important to talk about it and be there and comfort each other, to help them get through this sorrowful time. They were nowhere near healing and with the upcoming funeral the steps they had taken day by day were becoming smaller and smaller again, but nonetheless they were trying. One step at a time. Emily was still a wreck, and even though all of them knew, that Richard's death wasn't exactly unexpected, she still couldn't wrap her head around it. She had lost her partner of more than 50 years. 50 years of a life they had shared and that they had loved. Lorelai couldn't help but think, she was the one who had made half of it so much harder for them. Her emotions ranged from helplessness and mourning his death, to some kind of acceptance to joy and gratefulness over the few, but good memories she had made with her dad throughout the years. It was better than nothing. More than some people get. And a lot more than Rory ever got.

Luke had told her, it was ok to feel everything and nothing at all sometimes. It didn't mean she was doing it wrong, it just meant she dealt with it in her own way, and there was no right or wrong when it came to grieving.

Keeping herself busy with funeral arrangements was a good and welcomed distraction and she was sure the realization wouldn't really kick in until after the burial.

Luke had also implied, that for him, it had taken years.

But after all, he had to deal with all of it alone. Lorelai didn't.

She had her daughter, she had him and she would have to be strong for her family and her mother especially. Even if it meant lying to her about who it was, that helped her making it the most respectful and dignified funeral Richard Gilmore could possibly have.

Rory felt bad about the idea of Luke not coming to the funeral with them. He was the one who had arranged most of it and his support meant the world to them.

Rory tried to bring up the topic several times a day, but her mother had agreed to Luke's reasoning with a heavy heart.

He thought it would be best to give the Gilmore family their space. None of the guests even knew who he was, and what his role in Lorelai's life was. Hell, she didn't even know herself. But she knew she didn't need the rumor mill to start working at exactly that day. Besides that, the main reason for not going with them was, once again, Emily. Luke didn't want to upset her with his presence. They also knew Christopher would probably be coming, since Emily was the one who had invited him.

' _It's proper behavior!'_ Emily had told Lorelai, who couldn't even argue with that. He had been on good terms with her parents for decades. And even if she hated the idea, they couldn't just leave him out completely. And Lorelai knew, the last person Luke would want to see interacting with them was Christopher. So the decision had been made.

"It just feels so wrong, mom! Doing this without him." Rory tried again, the second time today.

Lorelai gave her an apologetic look and touched her shoulders affectionately. "I know, hon." She blinked a tear away.

"It's just, he put all this effort into making it-" Rory stopped, looking for the right word, deciding there was none, she continued "-decent. And he doesn't even get the chance to say goodbye. It's not fair!"

Lorelai released a breath. "Honey. I know. I really do, believe me. And he will say his goodbyes, it just won't be on that particular day. We don't want to upset grandma here, ok? And Luke doesn't want any credit for anything anyway. You know how he blushes and hiccups when we praise him." She tried to joke, but Rory wasn't in the mood for it.

"Don't you want him there?" Rory looked at her mom, trying to read her expression, before she continued shyly "I want him there."

Lorelai wasn't sure, how much more heartache she could take.

She simply nodded, her voice barely above a whisper "Me too, Rory. Me too."

She hugged her daughter close, Rory's words were muffled from being pressed against her shoulder: "It's wrong."

Lorelai closed her eyes and kissed her daughter's hair, she breathed in her scent and swallowed the lump in her throat. Visions of them standing at her father's grave with and without Luke flashed before her. She could literally feel the desperation and pain, in no matter what version. She couldn't even imagine how he had been through that twice.

"It's wrong either way." Lorelai answered wistfully before kissing Rory's soft hair again, swaying from side to side with her, locked in a tight embrace.

Having lost her father…

It was all wrong anyway.

.~.~.

When Rory had returned to Hartford to stay at the Gilmore Mansion with Emily for one more night, Lorelai was, once again, tossing and turning in bed.

The clock showed almost midnight when she decided it was no use trying to sleep when her mind was racing like it did.

 _When she was younger and needed to clear her head, she always sat by the pond behind the potting shed of the Independence Inn. Once she was sure, little Rory was asleep safe and sound in the tiny bed they shared, Lorelai would sneak out the door and take a few moments to herself. Until the fire destroyed the first home she ever had, it was her safe place, her sacred haven._

Nowadays it was overgrown by wild flowers and grass, various plants and little trees were shooting out of the ground everywhere. Nobody was responsible for the property anymore, so nature just started taking back what was hers in the first place.

The small dock at the side of the pond was still intact and every once in a while she would go there to just sit down and stare out into the distance, lost in thought, like she had done, when she was a kid, sitting in the big old trees behind her parent's house.

She had been sitting out there with Luke for a few times. He wasn't surprised she knew of this place, he himself had spent a lot of time there when he was a kid and needed to get away from home for a couple of hours.

It was quiet and peaceful there, not many people knew of its existence since it was way smaller and farer away than the pond in the park.

Shortly after their reconciliation last year, they had spent a romantic picnic there. Luke had set it up all by himself, despite his disgust and irritation with people's love for sitting on the ground while eating stuff out of a basket. And even though Lorelai felt the need to mock this new, cheesy side of him, she couldn't. She was overwhelmed and happy and so thankful, that they had made it through the storm. Their first big break-up was nothing she liked to remember, but even worse was the infamous night she yelled at Luke in front of his diner just a few short months ago. Dozens of people around, witnessing the sobbing, infuriated mess that was Lorelai Gilmore. She was a complete wreck, driven by irrational fears and irritating words a questionable therapist had planted into her brain.

Up until this day she tried to recall what exactly she had said to him that night, all the things they threw at each other were just fragments in her head, leading up to him saying no to her. Lorelai felt a pang of guilt in her chest, she had to admit, she was aware that that wasn't the entire truth. When she had told him, it's 'Now or never!', he didn't really say no to her, he just said nothing at all.

But if that was any better, she didn't know. It was the one thought that kept attacking her heart, kept it from healing, making it impossible for her to fully open up to him again. She knew, it was her fault too, but his lack of commitment that very night, it killed her. Night after night.

She needed this self-destruction to end, it didn't do her any good. It kept her from moving forward, accepting change and progress. Living in the past brought her nowhere, except back to places and people she ran away from before.

She was sure, Christopher and her were over. There was no doubt in her mind about that. It had to be over, because it shouldn't even have happened in the first place.

But there was another tiny part of her heart, that would probably always remain a little broken. The missing piece she needed to find, to fit into the puzzle.

 _How could Luke tell me he loved me and that he wanted to marry me, but then let me walk away? How could I tell him I loved him but wake up in another man's arms the next day?_

As her mind registered her changed surroundings, she wondered how she had gotten here. Somehow she must have put on her shoes and coat and was now standing in front of a well-known door. Her hands must have unlocked the front door without her really noticing. It was a thing she had done a million times before. Like a moth drawn to the light, she was drawn to this place and the man that lived here.

As she slipped inside his unlocked apartment, she focused hard on not making any noises. It wasn't entirely dark, the street lamps did their best to touch the old, dark wooden furniture in a soft orange glow. Everything seemed warm and calm and safe.

 _Just like him._

She turned around and took in his sleeping form. Apart from the night, he had driven her to the hospital a few days ago, she hadn't been to his apartment at night time since forever. She couldn't even remember the exact date or month. It was weeks before she gave him the ultimatum.

With a silent sigh she approached the bed, where he was sleeping. Luke was lying on his side of the bed, his face turned towards her former side. In his hands he clutched her side of the sheet, his fingers flexing around it in his sleep. She looked up at his broad shoulders, the strong arms, the mysterious tattoo she still thought was awfully sexy.

His deep, even breathing instantly calmed her down. He made almost no sound. She loved, that he didn't snore. She remembered the relief she felt after their first night together. _Not a snorer! Yay Gilmore!_

For the fraction of a second a tiny smile appeared on her lips. She walked closer to his bed, and was able to see his face in the shine of the moon light that beamed through the curtains.

Lorelai studied his features like she had done a million times before, seemingly never getting enough of it. His adorable long lashes, the gorgeous full lips, the manly jaw, covered in three day old stubble. _Oh, the things it had done to her before._

She watched his hand clutch the sheets and then wondered if he still had his ring hidden somewhere. Maybe he kept it in a little box in the safe, next to Lou Gehrig's, Joe DiMaggio's and Willie Mays' rookie cards, which he had snuck out of his uncle Louie's casket before the mortician had brought it over to the cemetery. Smiling, she shook her head at the bittersweet memory.

Luke mumbled something in his sleep and Lorelai's stare went back from the safe in the corner of his apartment to the sleeping man in the bed.

Her gaze moved to the nightstand, that was once hers.

He used to keep it clean. Just a lamp, a clock, sometimes his watch or keys.

When she recognized the pictures there, her heart skipped a beat. Three framed pictures told her everything she needed to know. Tears instantly welled up in her eyes and she had a hard time blinking them away. Every doubt she might have had left about her role in his life, was magically erased. She could hear her own heartbeat as she carefully walked a little closer to his bed.

There was a picture of April holding up a throphy at a science fair and a picture of Rory giving her Valedictorian speech at Chilton.

Lorelai covered her mouth with her hand as her gaze was drawn to the third photograph on the nightstand. It was a picture of herself and him, dancing at his sister's wedding. They were locking eyes, a stunned, more serious expression on their faces.

She remembered, seconds before it must have been taken, she was laughing, almost giggling at the new, sensational feeling that holding his hand, dancing close to him, created in her. She was fascinated but also overwhelmed by the sudden shift in their relationship. _Maybe it wasn't so sudden to begin with..._

A minute into the dance, his face had changed. The grumpy, unreadable mask he used to wear crumbled as every little precious feeling he had for her poured out of his heart and into his eyes. She remembered every smile, every look, every touch. The moment the picture was taken showed the moment, Lorelai finally saw him, the real Luke. The moment Lorelai finally knew, this was a little something more than friendship. And the moment she realized, she could probably never live without it, without him, ever again.

Her eyes were still glued to the picture. She wondered why she had never seen it before and her heart raced in her chest, as she still remembered every little detail of that wonderful night all these years ago. The butterflies awoke from the their sleep as the new found feelings stirred inside her.

Lorelai blinked another tear away, as a sad whisper escaped her trembling lips before she knew, "I love you." she breathed into the darkness of his apartment.

Luke suddenly turned around and came to lie on her side of his bed. He pressed his nose into the pillow there and hugged it tight. Then he smiled a tiny but adorable half-smile, just like he used to do, when she was in bed with him. Throughout the night he would snuggle closer and closer to her, until he held her in his arms, his nose buried in her locks.

She wondered, if she would ever feel that safe and happy and loved again, as she turned to leave as quietly as she had come.

His words from the day before reverberated in her head _'It's you and it's me.'_

 _All this lost time_ , she thought, and the only ones to blame, were him and her.

When the door had clicked shut, Luke opened his tired eyes, frustrated with himself, that it had only been another dream. He could swear it was her scent that lingered in the air, clouding his senses, causing him to wake up. His gaze shifted to the picture on the nightstand. He still felt the warmth of their wonderful embrace while they were swaying to the music, the light and joy in her longing, blue eyes, the beautiful flowers in her hair. He saw it all, he kept it locked away in his heart forever.

Luke closed his eyes again, trying to get back to the safe haven of his dream of her.

"I love you too."


	8. Last goodbyes

Hello lovely people,

thank you for your kind words and new follows on my little story here.

I always wanted Rory to be more open about her relationship with Luke as her 'almost-dad'... So I let her be the hero in this one...

Let's go...

(Work is crazy, the next chapters might take a while longer, but they will come, I PROMISE :) )

* * *

\- Chapter 8 - Last goodbyes -

It was a crisp but sunny and beautiful winter day when Richard Gilmore was laid to rest at Cedar Hill Cemetery in Hartford.

And even though it was cold, the ceremony took place outside the chapel, on the lawn next to the pond. Old majestic willow trees swayed reverently in the brisk winter wind.

Lorelai had the feeling of smelling snow since she had gotten up in the morning. But she didn't say anything, no one was interested in her craziness today anyway.

She was sitting in the front row of guests, her mother and her daughter on either side.

The whole scenery was imperssive and as beautiful as a sad event like that could possibly be. The understated elegance suited the life of Richard Gilmore completely.

White and golden elements, flowers and candles gave the scenery a royal and almost holy glow.

The music Luke had suggested was perfect too. The ceremony started with a classic Ave Maria, that had most of the guests in tears before it even ended.

When the priest ended his moving eulogy the guests rose from their chairs. Lorelai took a deep breath, she knew what was about to come, and she was aware of how powerful and strong music was, it had always meant the world to her.

And when the pianist that Luke had found, started playing a breathtakingly beautiful version of Greensleeves, Lorelai was sure she had never heard anything that sad but also wonderful in her entire life. She looked up into the cloudy sky, begging for snow to fall. To give her dad a sense of peace and holiness on this dark day. She held Rory's small hand in hers and as silent tears escaped her daughters eyes, Lorelai's view was fixated on her fathers photograph that was standing on the piano. White lilies and roses framing it perfectly.

When the pianist struck the last tones, the casket was lowered into the ground and the priest signaled for the guests to come and stand by the casket for last wishes and final goodbyes. Emily was the first to walk up to her husband's last resting place when the pianist started playing Bach's 'Air'. It was an impressive but also hopeful and lively piece that fit Richard so perfectly, it brought tears to Lorelai's eyes for the first time in days. As she watched her mother lay down a bouquet of white roses and scatter a few more petals over the wooden coffin, she squeezed Rory's hand tighter. A sob escaped her and her shoulders started shaking.

Rory took her mother in her arms and they stood there almost completely motionless for a few more moments as their whole world came crashing down around them once again.

They were the next ones to walk up to him and it was the hardest thing they ever had to do in their entire lives.

 _The last moment they had spent together was the evening before he died. Richard had taken a shower and when he came out of the bathroom he struggled with his bathrobe a bit. Lorelai helped him putting it on over his pyjamas. She adjusted the strap around his waist carefully and used her hand to shield her father's stomach from pulling it too tight. It was nothing she would have thought twice about, until she looked up and saw Richard's teary eyes._

' _You made sure, it wouldn't be too tight.' He stated as if she had done something extraordinarily wonderful. Richard took her in a tight embrace, never once wavering in his strength and presence. Who would have thought that only hours later his strong heart would stop beating._

 _He kissed her hair and thanked her. When she turned to leave, she smiled._

' _I'll see you tomorrow.' Was the last thing she said to him and the last memory of him is her father standing by the bedside table, leaning on it for support, smiling at her with tears and love in his tired eyes._

 _It was so much better than the last goodbye in November of 1985. Lorelai had snuck into her parent's bedroom an hour after they had gone to bed. When she heard her father's heavy breathing and soft snoring, she knew, her and Rory would be safe to go. She balanced the sleepy baby on her hip and opened the bedroom door as quietly and carefully as she could._

 _For one last time she watched her parents sleeping forms, the content expressions on their faces. Her mother's neat hair, even when lying in bed it was perfectly styled. Her father's satin night wear reflected the moon light that entered the room from outside the window. His chest was rising and lowering in a steady rhythm. When Rory got a little fuzzy in her arms, she allowed herself one last look. As a silent tear rolled down her cheek she whispered 'I'm sorry.' and turned to leave._

 _She left the note on the dresser and was out of the door, a now peacefully sleeping Rory at her side._

 _'I hope one day you will understand._

 _I love you both,_

 _Lorelai'_

And now she stood here, at her father's grave, with Rory at her side. Some things never changed. A wistful sob escaped her aching throat. She felt like she was choking on her own tears.

"Mom?" Rory whispered quietly. Somehow she had led her towards the coffin and was now holding out a handful of petals. White and cream rose leaves encased her with their marvelous scent. The solemn sound of the piano piece still echoed all around them. Lorelai looked up at the sky and back down at the big terrifying thruth in front of her. She kissed her fingertips and pressed them against the casket. "I love you dad." Was the last thing she said, before she turned to leave and sit down next to her crying mother again.

The rest of the ceremony went by in a haze. A driver came to led them to their limousine and each of them was lost in thought as they were driven off to the Gilmore mansion for the wake.

Lorelai was thankful that Christopher hadn't come to the funeral. Maybe he still had that much respect for her after all. The little tarts and snacks they had arranged remained mainly untouched. Lorelai had two glasses of wine and too many cups of coffee to still remember the number. Her stomach didn't even rebel anymore, since these two things had kind of become her staple diet lately.

Emily was about to check in on the kitchen staff, when there was a ringing on the door. Since the maid was nowhere to be seen, she went to open the door herself.

"Christopher!" came her surprised voice, a little rough from all the crying.

He held a bouquet of white lilies in his hand and wore a pitiful look on his face. She studied him for a few moments and when she saw that he didn't wear a wedding ring, Emily sensed her chance to maybe make things right for him and her daughter and invited him in. They chatted for a little while before she led him over to the living room, where the main part of the wake took place.

Lorelai and Rory didn't leave each other's side for the whole day. Lorelai would never admit it, but Rory knew her mother had so much more than just Richard on her mind these days. She knew, she had to be strong for her. For a change, she had to be the one to hold her up and help her through the hard times.

They were admiring the stunningly beautiful flower arrangements on the table by the window for the twentieth time today. The music in the background was decent, but a little more uplifting than the music choices at the funeral. _Luke really knew what to do._

Rory interrupted her thoughts.

"He chose that so well. Who would have thought?"

"Who chose what so well?"

Startled at Christopher's a little too cheerful voice, mother and daughter turned around simultaneously to see him and Emily walking up towards them. _How did he dare showing up here?_

His inappropriate hint of a smile made her flip. She wanted to scream at him, yell and shout and grab his shoulders, shake him, until he would lose that goddamn grin on his face.

It was the trigger, that Lorelai needed to finally break free from herself and make a decision. A decision that was long overdue. She was sick of all the lies and efforts to hide what was really on her mind and how she felt about all of it. She was done pretending.

"Luke." she simply said.

Emily gasped and her eyes widened in shock. " _Luke_ arranged this?" Her faced turned pale.

Lorelai looked at her and Christopher in grim determination.

"Yes, this." She gestured to the festive decorations in the room around her.

"All of it, actually. He helped with the flowers, the music, the band, the casket, the invitations, the priest, the paperwork and every other horrible little detail that I had to decide on for the funeral of my father!"

People turned to look at them disapprovingly, wondering what the fuss was about.

"Lorelai, lower you voice!" Emily hissed between clenched teeth. Christopher just stood there dumbfounded for a moment.

"She didn't know?" he asked, tilting his head towards his former mother-in-law.

Lorelai shook her head. "No, she didn't know! She didn't need to know, ok? I told her I'd arrange the funeral, and I did, all I did was ask a friend for a little help!"

Chris snorted "Yeah, right. A friend!" He raised his voice, people again, staring at them. "he seems to be a little something more than that!"

Emily interrupted his snarky comment "Lorelai Gilmore, how did you dare asking _that man_ for help!? Of all the people who could and would have helped you, you asked him?" she was hurt and angry and suddenly she didn't care anymore if people were staring at them.

"Well, mom, _I_ _wanted_ Luke to help." she hissed, the dead set look in her eyes reminded of a rebellious teenage Lorelai. "And you weren't much of a help!" she added as an afterthought. Emily's eyes were shooting arrows at her. "Are you serious? How dare you talking to me like that? I lost my husband! We were married for over 50 years! I couldn't think of these things like two days later!"

Lorelai was already close to tears as she forced her answer out "Oh is that so? And I lost my father for god's sake! Do you think, it was fun to shop the last suit and shoes he would ever be wearing or the extra big and long casket we had to find that would fit dad, or hurry every decision that had to be made just because the freaking soil is almost too frozen to even get a casket interred into the goddamn ground? Do you think, I ever wanted to know such a thing? Do you think, all these decision were fun to make? Do you think I had a blast, deciding on what the last words and music he'll ever hear on this earth, would be? Do you think I had it easy deciding all these horrible things? I asked Luke because he, unfortunately, has already lost both his parents. I don't know, if you even knew that, since you never put any kind of effort into getting to know him when we were together." she paused, Emily knew she was referring to the several occasions she had made it known, she disapproved of the relationship her daughter was in. "He helped me, because he knew what to do. He organised all the things, you constantly checked on and approved of. I even remember the excessive use of the word 'perfect', mother!" She took a quick breath. The wine was getting to her head, the fast speaking didn't help at all.

"Yes, we didn't tell you. And I'm sorry for that. But I am not sorry for the way this day was going, up until this point. It was decent, it was beautiful. Dad was laid to rest in dignity and peace. It was perfect, and I am not sorry I had Luke help me with all of it."

Rory laid her hand on her mother's shoulder for support. The silence was painful.

"Dad, you should leave." She said quietly.

Emily didn't say a word, she just stepped back and crossed her hands over her heart.

The funeral party had left the room, sensing it would probably better to give the Gilmore's some privacy for what ever it was, they had to work through.

Christopher looked at Rory, she could tell he was furios.

"What?" he asked, his voice stern.

All eyes were on Rory as she drew a shaky breath. "This is not your place to be anymore."

Emily suddenly shot up, "Rory!"

Christopher interrupted her "You can't be serious, kiddo!" When he saw Rory cringe at the nickname he continued "Whose is it then, huh? Luke's? Where's your super hero, when you need him?"

Rory took a step closer to her father. "He didn't come, because we didn't want to upset grandma. We didn't want her to find out, so that this day would forever be, what it was meant to be, a beautiful goodbye to our grandfather, father and husband. We didn't want to ruin it! But I guess I shouldn't be surprised we have you for that!"

Lorelai's stomach was making it hard for her to speak, but she was thankful that Rory had her back. "Honey, let it go. Things will never change. It's useless." She squeezed her daughter's hand and turned to leave.

But Christopher couldn't let it go. "I just dont understand what she see's in him!" came his desperate attempt at keeping Lorelai from walking out the door and out of his life.

Rory laughed bitterly. This was her chance to make this right for her mom's and her own sake. Christopher had proved once again that he would never fit in. He wasn't even decent and respectful enough to not yell at the bereaved at their loved one's wake.

She took another step closer to him, looking him deeply in the eyes:

"What she sees in him, is a man, who always takes care of her, of me. He feeds us and keeps our house from falling apart. She sees a man who stands up for what is right and who doesn't fear making uncomfortable decisions. A man who understands her and has her back even when she thinks she can conquer the world alone." Rory smiled. Everything fell into place and she felt good and right about herself. "What she sees in Luke is her whole life laid out before her and everything she ever dreamed of in a relationship. She sees unending devotion and she sees the father she always wished I would have had." It was almost possible to see and hear his heart break that very second. But Rory didn't feel sorry for him, not anymore. "You couldn't give her any of these things. You never even tried. Mom gave you every chance and you took none of them. You waltzed in and out of our lives like you pleased."

Christopher had troubles breathing, the truth was a bitter pill to swallow.

"You and mom made an incredibly dumb decision all these years ago," she looked at her mother, who still stood by the door, ready to leave, a look of gratitude beaming from her eyes. "but she stepped up to the plate and dealt with it. She was a mom and what was supposed to be a dad, all in one. She never made me doubt her love for me. Ever!" Lorelai's eyes filled with fresh tears, as she watched her daughter fight her fight in this cage of lions. She never loved her more than in that moment. Motherly pride was pouring out of every pore as Rory still continued "And when Luke came into the picture, she finally saw some of that love coming her way for a change. Luke may not be a millionaire or wear fancy clothes or drive an expensive car, but he can give her, what nobody else can when she needs it the most. A friend, a companion. And unconditional love and support for me and herself."

She turned to look at Emily. "And you! This is a day of rememberance and grief. Not a day to fight and argue over things that have already been discussed a million times!" Emily looked down to the ground, her granddaughter's words touched places of heart heart, she thought had long died down. "You can not change mom or me or our opinion concering Luke. I can't believe that after all these years, you still don't understand!"

Emily said nothing, she only stared at her shoes. Rorys voice turned softer as she took a step closer to her grandmother. „And didn't you love the way everything was done today? The flowers , the music, the speech, the whole ceremony?"

The words sunk in, the ticking of several clocks grew louder and louder around them.

"Yes. Yes I did." And that's when Emily Gilmore broke. Hot tears sprang to her eyes, as she looked up at her granddaughter, her smart and brave and gorgeous granddaughter.

„Grandma, look, you didn't just lose your husband, ok?" she touched Emily's shoulder affectionately. "Mom also lost her father." Emily nodded. "She was just thankful to have a little help to get her through it all."

They heard the door click shut and Lorelai was gone.

Rory took her grandmother in her arms, trying to give her back some of the strength she had just gained during her impromptu speech.

„I'm so sorry, Rory." Emily finally said.

Christopher looked back and forth between them, completely at a loss for words. _They could not be serious!_

"Emily,-" he tried, touching her upper arm carefully, which made her turn around, glaring at him. "You should leave Christopher!"

At Rory's smile and nod towards Emily, Christopher hung his head in defeat and backed out of the living room.

He paced down the steps and towards the driveway of the mansion.

"Lor, just give me one last chance, please" he begged, calling after her, when he saw her getting into her Jeep.

"Did you hear what Rory said in there?" she asked, the look in her eyes unwavering.

He nodded, "But Lor-" She cringed at the mutilation of her name.

"This is Goodbye, Christopher." She got into her car and before she closed the door she turned to him once more "The very last one."

He stood there baffled, motionless with nothing left, but reflections of the back lights of her car, disappearing quickly into the distance.

Away from him.

Forever.

~.~.~

It was shortly before dusk when Lorelai walked the way towards her father's gravesite again.

The chairs and tables had been removed, but the flowers and candles were still there. Some of them had already died down, which made her a little sad. He shouldn't be here alone in the dark, she thought.

When she had finally reached the grave, she noticed the fresh soil, that was covering the casket.

This was it. Millions of memories flooded her brain.

"Bye dad." She smiled a sad smile, shivering from the coldness of the approaching night around her.

Lorelai was suprised, there were still a few other visitors walking the cemetery's beautifully arranged paths and walkways. From time to time someone passed her by, saying their condolences to her. She thanked them and continued to stare at her dad's grave. A temporary granite board read his name and dates.

It was Luke's idea, so people wouldn't have to stare at a naked grave the weeks before the final gravestone would arrive. Lorelai reached into her pockets, looking for a handkerchief. The frosty wind made her nose run. When she came up empty and pulled her hands out of her pocket, her left one was being picked up by a figure stepping out of the dark behind her.

"Hey." He smiled at her and with his free hand he handed her a hanky. She looked up at him in surprise and when he smiled again she threw herself in his arms.

"I thought you found the practice a little revolting?' she tried to joke, her voice about to break, even as he chuckled a little. His arms tightened around her.

„Luke?" she asked, barely above a whisper.

"Yeah?" he breathed equally as quiet.

"Can you hold me forever?" she closed her tired and burning eyes and let her heavy head rest against the crock of his neck. His scent, so unique, so wonderful, so Luke, embraced her, filled her, made her feel safe, even on the darkest of all days.

Big strong arms where there to steady her. It was time to let go of all the fighting and the drama. Today she had to let her father go. Nothing in the world felt as wrong and awful as that.

But in the midst of all this never-ending heartache, there was a light, there was hope.

There was Luke.

Her best friend. The one who proved once again, would always be by her side, when she needed him the most. She clung to him as more sobs shook her fragile frame. She consisted of heartache and pain, she was drained from the emotions of the last weeks.

And all he did was holding her close. He didn't, he couldn't say a word. The words got stuck in his throat as he was fighting to keep his own emotions under control.

Just two weeks ago they had been standing at his father's grave, and now, Lorelai had a dark day of her own. It broke his heart to know she would have to live with it for the rest of her life. He caressed her hair tenderly and whispered soothing words into her ear.

Ice-cold winter wind whirled around them, but they didn't feel it. Nothing else mattered.

All the failures, disappointments and heartbreaks the last year had brought to her and her family, made her realize once more, that Luke was that one person, she had been looking for for all her life. _The one who was willing to put up with all her crap_ , the one that would never leave, never thought about leaving, the one who would do whatever was necessary, to just stay in her life and be with her. He proved it more than once and now she finally believed it. She let go of the doubts inside of her. Her heart, though aching like it never had before, started to heal the second his arms had closed around her. Together they would find the missing piece. He would help her through it all.

He would stand by her side, forever.

If they could ever be more than friends again, she didn't know. But what she had in him was so precious and so powerful, she was sure, this was what it felt like having a soulmate. Whatever may lie ahead of them, on this dark day, he had found a way to let a little light in.

After a long while of holding each other close, Lorelai raised her head. Tears were glistening in her eyes, leaving them red and burning. Her skin felt as if it would melt away at the closeness to his body. She looked him in the eyes and suddenly glanced up in wonder.

She was right all along.

Big white snow flakes started tumbling out of the cloudy night sky. The street lamps from outside the cemetery illuminated them in a surreal, but beautiful way. Like feathersoft kisses they fell upon them. Lorelai closed her eyes again and let the coldness of the snowflakes cool her burning face.

A tiny smile crept over his features.

"Surprise!" Luke said softly, still awestruck by the miracle playing out in front of them.

A sincere and happy smile adorned her face, as she looked up into the night sky and quietly whispered "Thank you. "


	9. Merry Christmas

Hello lovelies,

It's me again! Right in time for December, I'm finally done with an extra long, extra cute L+L(+R) Christmas chapter! I always feel like they owed us one in the series!

In my head the awful season 7 Christmas debacle is now replaced with happy, sappy, lovey dovey moments, which I hope, you will enjoy as well :-)

Ok, here goes...

* * *

\- Chapter 9 - Merry Christmas -

The next days were spent in some sort of unreal, alternate universe, like living inside a big, safe bubble that was floating out in space. They pretty much isolated themselves from the town and other people. The two Gilmore women spent most of their days together and some nights they slept in Lorelai's bedroom and found comfort in each other's presence.

Luke was over as often as possible to check in on them. He brought food and coffee and made sure, they weren't just sobbing, self-destructive messes. He knew this mourning period was incredibly important for moving on from the pain of what had happened. While it was perfectly fine to be sad and to cry from time to time, it was a very thin line to cross into becoming depressed about the death of a parent.

Luke knew from his own experience how dangerous pulling back from the real world could become. He had done so and it had cost him years of a happy and hopeful life.

Lorelai hadn't been to the Inn for days and Rory had taken a break from Yale for the rest of the month. Since Christmas was right around the corner, there weren't many classes left she had to attend anyway.

They struggled and some days were worse than others. But all in all the saying was true, time slowly healed their wounds. The scars would remain, but they were making progress, little by little, day by day.

It had only been two weeks, but they were finally able to say his name, to talk about him and even laugh about lovely memories they had made with Richard throughout the years, without breaking into tears or drowning in sorrowful silence.

Lorelai apologized to Rory a million times over, that she had kept her grandparents from her for the better part of her life.

Luke was careful and very understanding. He dried sheer endless streams of tears, he ducked from flying pillows and words that stung like sharp knives. He didn't say anything when he saw two empty bottles of wine on her kitchen counter every day, for a week straight. He didn't comment on their insane intake of junk food and coffee. He listened to Lorelai when she called him late in the evening or even at night. He did everything he could, and he did it all right, but still something was missing. They were both glad to be back in each other's lives, but some tiny piece was still missing.

It wasn't just the lack of physical closeness. He lived years without that. He had survived years without being able to touch her, feel her, make love to her. But this time the hardest part was probably, that now he knew what he was missing and that made it even harder to bear.

Despite all that, he decided not to push her. They had to be careful with what do to, and what to say. Her emotions were all over the place as it was. He didn't need to add any more confusion to that. Maybe, someday, the missing piece would pop back up, but until then he would have to be patient for a little while longer.

He never stayed overnight. They hadn't talked about it, other things were more important.

Most nights he lay sleepless, thinking, pondering, looking for answers to questions that nobody had even asked yet. The constant overthinking had become a habit lately.

 _They had shared a sweet moment, when Lorelai told him about a day she skipped school and went to the mall, because she was heartbroken over a boy. Her father stumbled across her hysteric teenage self and dragged her along to the movies with him. One for him and one for her. And then he bought her a pretzel._ Of course she hadn't forgotten about the pretzel. _When they got home they just pretended she had been to school like she was supposed to be that day. Lorelai had never told anyone, but it was the best day she had ever spent with her father. She wasn't sure her mother even knew._

 _While she told him the bittersweet anecdote, he had held her hand in his, carefully caressing the back of it with his thumb. They had locked eyes in a way they had before. A sparkle in her blue oceans told him, she could feel it too. Luke internally kicked himself for being the gentleman that he was and not using her vulnerability to his own benefit. He didn't act on her longing gaze and the almost invisible nod she gave him and just like that, the tiny moment was gone again._

Luke let out a frustrated sigh and tossed and turned in his bed for another hour.

Shortly after midnight, the telephone on his nightstand rang.

"Luke?" by the husky sound of her voice he could tell she had been lying awake for hours, just like he had. He could hear that she had been crying and it broke his heart all over again. Luke wished he could make all her pain disappear once and for all. If he could in any way take the pain away from her and Rory, he would. He'd carry the weight of it for the rest of his life, if it meant Lorelai would someday be her former positive and happy self again.

He sat up in bed and wrapped himself up in his covers. It was freezing and he knew Lorelai would be cold as well.

He heard her breathing but she didn't say anything. They had phone calls like this before. He gave her time to gather her thoughts. Even if they didn't talk at all, he was perfectly fine with just listening to her breathing. At least that way, he had a little feeling of being there for her.

A few minutes into the call, she would usually get calmer, her breathing became more even, as if somehow Luke being there at the other end of the line would make it all better.

Another shaky breath was released before she finally made a sound. It was his name.

"Luke?" she asked again when he didn't react.

"Yeah?" his heart started beating faster at the intense and intimate sound of her voice.

He could tell, whatever it was, she was afraid to ask. Maybe she was afraid of the question. Maybe she was afraid of the answer. But he sensed, she was almost there, she just needed a little push.

"Talk to me, Lorelai." He said reassuringly.

"How long did it take for you to be… truly happy again?" the question was out.

 _Oh, what a tough one._

He knew he couldn't lie to her, so he wouldn't.

"Look Lorelai, you are not me. I'm different with these kinds of things. I can't-"

She interrupted him, sounding a little more like herself now "How long, Luke?" she asked again.

Luke took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

Lights flashed before his eyes as his heart skipped a painful beat.

"Until the day I met you." He answered quietly into the darkness of his lonely apartment.

It was the truth. He didn't mean for it to sound so corny, but it was the truth, as simple as that.

His heartfelt words left her speechless and he could hear her form new sobs and tears. He wished so badly he could be there with her, and to hold her, to comfort her. He felt useless sitting home alone in his too big, too empty bed. It just wasn't right without her. Nothing was right without her.

Lorelai finally managed a little desperate laugh. "Oh boy. I don't think I can wait another 20 years!"

Luke couldn't help but smile at what she had said. "It wasn't 20 years! And besides, I'm here with you now, you know that right?" his voice a cautious plea, the meaning behind it clear as day.

Lorelai must have smiled a little at her end of the line, he could just feel it.

"Ok." She whispered, keeping his confession locked away in her heart until she was ready to talk about it with him.

"Good night, Luke. And… thanks!" He knew she meant more than just the conversation they just had, but he would address that another day.

"Anytime." He said sincerely. "Good night Lorelai!"

When they had hung up Lorelai turned around in her bed, wide awake now.

His words were replaying in her head. He never needed many to make her heart swell and make her feel like the most important and most loved person in the world.

They had made big progress. The events of the last weeks, as sad as they had been, pushed them forward, way out of their comfortzones and back into each others lives.

From time to time she wondered if they took things too fast, but on the other hand there hadn't been anything besides friendly conversations, innocent hugs and late night telephone talks. She decided it didn't matter. She would take one step at a time, or two or three, if necessary. Luke and her had such a long history, taking it slow wasn't exactly required in her opinion. She just wanted them to get back to the place they should have never left. She just didn't know if Luke felt the same way. What she did know was, that she needed him right now. Rory needed him right now. And he was there for them, no questions asked. Just like he had always been.

She turned to look over at the other side of the bed, reaching out to the small, sleeping figure there. She caressed her daughter's hair and smiled at the soft snoring noises she made in her sleep. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you a better daddy, hon." A new tear escaped her red and puffy eyes.

"But I'm trying to make _this_ right, ok?" she breathed. When Rory stirred, Lorelai pulled her hand away and leaned over to kiss her daughter's forehead. "I'm really trying."

Rory rolled onto her right side, mumbling something incoherently, while Lorelai kept on staring at her back. She lay awake for the rest of the night, her thoughts a spinning carousel.

~.~

On Christmas morning they woke up to loud thuds and rattling noises coming from the roof above them.

"Is Santa here?" a sleepy Rory mumbled with closed eyes.

Another loud thud made Lorelai open her eyes, immediately wondering what the weird noises could be. Alarmed she shot up and crossed the room to open the window which would allow her the best view towards the roof of her house.

When the coldness of the air hit her, she straight away noticed the special atmosphere and smell that was coming in from outside her window. She smiled knowingly, but said nothing, When there was another thud, she spun her head around to look up at the roof.

Her heart sank, but in a good way.

"What are you doing?" she asked him in awe.

Luke shot up from his kneeling position, a hammer and a few nails in his hand.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you!"

She grinned at him "You do rememeber what I have once told you about the beauty sleep these Gilmores need in order to remain their pretty adorable selves, right?" She lined her sleepy face and her tousled out-of-bed-hair with her hands in a dramatic gesture. "It still applies, you know!"

The pale pink puppy pyjama she wore looked so ridiculous and yet so cute, Luke couldn't help but smile.

He smiled at her but also at the memory of all these years ago, when he had accidentally woken her up early on a Saturday morning while he was –very loudly- fixing her porch rail. _He remembered how pretty she had looked and the warmth that radiated from her sleeping body, the fresh, flowery scent of fabric softener that had been warmed up by the heat of her body, still drove him crazy. He wanted nothing more than to throw her against the wall, kiss her senseless and do other, not so wholesome things to her._

The next words left his mouth before he had a chance to stop them: "You could never sleep again and would still be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

They both blushed immediately. Lorelai was too flustered to even try to come up with a witty comeback. Luke cleared his throat uncomfortably and changed the subject to kill the awkward silence. "Anyway uhh- I was just, um- hanging a few Christmas lights here and there."

Lorelai was still a little distracted and puzzled by the unusal expression of his admiration for her features, as his words slowly sank in.

She leaned out of the window to see what he was talking about. When she spotted dozens of colorful twinkle lights hanging from her roof and porch, her eyes lit up like the ones of a little child that got the exact Christmas present it had wished for.

"Luke! You didn't have to do that! I mean, we could have- this year- I thought-"

He interrupted her "It's Christmas. You love Christmas. You love twinkle lights. You love loud, annoying, dancing Santas, sickeningly overdone Christmas tree decorations and hot cocoa in front of a fire place. You love ridiculous, childish, unrealistic Christmas movies." With every word her smile grew bigger. _You forgot to mention something else I love,_ she thought to herself.

"Don't tell me you want to skip all of that this year. You love all that crap, so this is what you're going to get. It's no big deal. I know you love it... So here it is." Widely spread arms gestured in the general direction of her house and porch.

She smiled at him for a moment longer, looking for words, any words that could possibly let him know how thankful she was. When she came up empty, happy tears welled up in her eyes instead.

In his head he heard himself add _'And I love you...'_ Maybe soon enough he would have the guts to finally tell her for real.

Lorelai and Rory got ready and excitedly hopped down the stairs when they were hit with a mixture of gorgeous smells wafting through the living room.

"Oh my god, mom!" Rory said, her hand covering her mouth in disbelief as she took in the scenery in front of her. Lorelai's eyes roamed through the room, as she pinched her thigh to convince herself that this was real and she was awake.

"Oh Luke" she softly said to herself as the corners of her mouth lifted into a small smile.

In the back of the living room stood a large, wonderful, perfectly shaped Christmas tree. The typical scent of its needles enchanted them immediately and catapulted them right into the spirit of Christmas. It was the first time this year they felt remotely close to it.

Nobody had thought about a big celebration this year. All they wanted to do was order in, snuggle up on the couch and watch the Grinch steal christmas and Kevin hunt down burglars. The thudding on the roof had stopped a minute ago, now there were heavy footsteps and some indistinct grumbling coming from the front porch.

Luke let himself in and brushed some snow off his jeans, before entering the warm and cozy house.

When he saw his girls standing on the stairs, admiring his work, he smiled and winked at them.

"Merry Christmas!"

Both jumped down the stairs and ran towards him. He almost fell down when the two women forcefully threw their slender but strong arms around him.

Rory kissed his stubbly cheek, not thinking twice about it. "Thank you so much Luke!"

Lorelai just beamed at him, her eyes telling him everything he needed to know. The love in his dark blue oceans was unmistakable as he smiled back at Lorelai.

"You're welcome."

~.~

Since Logan was in London and April was in New Mexico with Anna, it was only the three of them for Christmas Day. Emily had refused to leave her house. She had said she wanted to stay home, and even though she cleary stated that she was thankful for the offer, she just wasn't in the mood for big, or _any_ Christmas celebrations this year. Lorelai and Rory accepted her decision with a heavy heart.

After each of them had downed two large cups of homemade, meaning Luke-made cocoa, they were now curled up on the couch together. The burning wood in the fireplace was cracking nicely, they had turned on some festive music and were now waiting for Luke to come back.

"Can you believe he did all of this?" Rory asked with shining eyes, her face the same as the four year old Rory having seen 'the real Santa' for the first time at the annual Christmas festivity of the Independence Inn. Mia had arranged for a family friend to dress up and play Santa for Rory and the other kids whose families were staying at the Inn over the holidays. Her eyes had been so bright, so pure, so full of wonder, Lorelai wished she could keep all the sadness and the mean and ugly things in the world from ever affecting her precious little girl.

"He's too good to us." Rory concluded, drawing her gaze away from the tree that was yet to be decorated.

"I'm glad he did it." Lorelai finally said. "It wouldn't have been right to not celebrate Christmas properly. Your grandpa wouldn't have wanted us to sit around all sad and mopy today."

Rory nodded "You're right. He wouldn't have."

They fell silent for a while before Rory started speaking "Maybe we should call grandma again?"

Before Lorelai could answer, the front door flew open, causing them both to jump up in surprise. Lorelai's hands crossed her chest in order to calm her beating heart.

"Oh my god Luke, are you trying to kill us?" She quickly walked up to him and took one of the three boxes he carried from him.

Still struggling with the other two huge boxes in his arms, while trying to close the door with his left foot, he muttered a snarky "I'm sorry!" into his scarf. The not so fake annoyance in his voice made Lorelai grin, but –of course- still not help him with the boxes. She put the one she held in her hands down and walked back over to the living room.

"Good. You should be!" she said mockingly as she plopped down onto her place on the couch again, giving Rory a goofy smile. Her daughter hadn't moved and just watched the scene play out in front of her. Luke juggled the heavy boxes through the foyer and inside the living room, snow fell from his shoes and jeans, leaving tiny melting puddles behind.

"You're evil." Rory said, shooting her mother a grin.

"You know," Luke started, almost tripping over a table by the window "helping me out here a little wouldn't kill you!"

Lorelai sighed dramatically and walked over to him. Teasing him was too much fun, she just couldn't help it. "I'm sorry Lukey, I thought you were a big, strong, manly man, who would be able to carry in three boxes of Christmas decorations all by himself." Her playful expression triggered him.

"You know, Queen of the lazy, I _am_ a big, strong, manly man. How do you think I got that goddamn tree in here? It weighs ten freakin' tons!"

Lorelai smiled a gorgeous smile at him, the one she knew he couldn't resist. "Exaggerating much?"

Luke rolled his eyes and shoved her aside, the boxes grew heavier and heavier by the second. "Move!" he hissed. Sensing she had won, she exhaled a childish "HA!" and hopped back towards the couch.

Then it hit her. In this moment, she was happy. She was really and truly _happy_. When she realized it, her emotions immediately backtracked. How was it possible, that with just a few exchanges like that he had once again made her heart bounce up and down inside of her, leaving her smiling absently like a retarded person. Rory noticed the change in her demeanor and laid her hand on Lorelai's arm.

"Mom?"

When Lorelai turned to look at her, Rory saw unshed tears glistening in her mother's eyes.

"I'm really happy, kid." she said softly, squeezing her daughter's hand affectionately, as she looked back at the amazing man she loved so much, unpacking boxes of Christmas decorations for them in their living room.

"Good." Rory sighed with relief, tearing her gaze away from her mom and back towards the amazing man, who she so badly wished, would one day be her legal stepdad.

~.~

Decorating the tree had been fun so far.

Lorelai and Rory managed to jump Luke's last nerve very effectively, which caused him to look for shelter in the nicely quiet and empty kitchen, halfway through box No. 2. Paul Anka had joined him and was now sleeping peacefully underneath the kitchen table.

A satisfying sense of inner calm overcame him and he smiled to himself.

He heard their laughs and the faint sounds of glass balls dangling against each other. He had promised to help them hang the ones far up the tree, since they couldn't reach the top on their own. But since they took forever to find a perfect place for every ornament, he figured he still had time and began preparing tonight's Christmas dinner. Luke had brought enough food to feed ten people, but there was one thing he was the most excited about. It was easy to prepare, but would be the biggest surprise after all.

When he heard them shriek a loud "Oh my god!" he put the wonderbread and cream cheese aside and ran over to the living room.

"What is it?" he asked startled.

The girls broke into loud heartfelt laughter again. His gaze dropped from their faces to Lorelai's hands. His neck instantly started to burn.

"Give it back!" he hissed as he made his way to her in three long strides.

Lorelai turned around to hide away from him, the grip on the old photo album as hard as possible.

"So Lucas, you showed Santa your little Lukey for Christmas? You certainly are a naughty boy!" Lorelai panted in between laughs. Rory started giggling all over again at her mother's words. Luke rolled his eyes. _Goddammit, how had it gotten inside the Christmas box?_

Even though he was embarrassed and angry, he couldn't help but smile a little when he saw the genuinely happy faces of the two hyperventilating women in front of him.

Rory tried to calm herself down, she knew how uncomfortable Luke must have been feeling at the moment.

"So Luke," she began, needing another deep breath to get her shaking voice under control. "do you want to explain yourself here a little bit?" She pressed her lips into a thin line and hoped it would keep another bubble of laughter from bursting out of her. Lorelai handed him the old leather-bound book and sat down cross-legged on the floor, tapping on it with two fingers to make him join her. With another dramatic eyeroll Luke sat down next to her.

"I was three or four years old okay? Don't mock a child for doing crazy things like that. I bet there's a few pictures of you when you were naked-"

She gasped "Luke!"

"As a child I mean, goddammit!"

She winked at him and they let the awkwardness wash over them.

"But Luke, this-" Lorelai pointed to the photograph of a very grumpy looking little Luke pouting at Santa. "What's up with this?" her cheeks were still burning as she tried to focus on something besides the little naked Luke in the photograph.

"I don't remember exactly. I think it was because of Liz. She had just been born and my parents were, of course, giving her all the attention. And I think I remember wanting for my mom to give me a diaper too, so I could be a baby again, you know? To get some of that attention back. Of course she didn't give me one and I complained to Santa about it. Jealousy doesn't become me very well apparently."

He grinned at the picture. "I can't believe you let Rory see this."

Rory looked at him "Luke, it's ok! It's not like I've never seen _something_ like this before."

"Ah jeez. I didn't need to know that! To me you are still 10 years old and belong on top of the Christmas tree, you know that!" His fatherly tone gave both the girls some major goosebumps.

"I know." Rory whispered.

Luke cleared his throat and looked back down at the book in his hands.

"My mom would make one of these every Christmas." he started, turning the photo album around in his hands like a precious diamond. His fingers lined an almost invisible lettering on the front page, Lorelai and Rory hadn't noticed before. _1969._

Their eyes were glued to his rough hands opening the album carefully.

"Every year on Christmas Day she would make the three of us sit around the kitchen table and put together an album with the best photographs that had been taken that very year. My dad remembered all the dates and names of places we had visited, people we had met." He smiled a sad smile which made Lorelai feel a lump forming in her throat. He looked up at them and continued "Back then I found it to be a little annoying to be honest, because it usually took like two to three hours to get it done. Liz and I weren't exactly patient, but my mom always insisted we'd do it together. We would have hot cocoa and watch my mom add funny quotes and remarks to back the pictures up with enough material to laugh about for years to come."

Rory touched his hand, that had been caressing a beautiful, slightly faded black and white shot of his mother and father standing in the kitchen, covered in flour, while a little Liz was crying over a bowl of batter she apparently had dropped to the ground.

"She did good, Luke. You must have really loved her." Rory smiled at him and the adoration in her eyes left him speechless. When he felt tears burning behind his lashes he dropped his gaze to the book and started flipping through it again. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he was that carefree and happy.

They looked through it for a while longer and listened to Luke explain some of the memories made and pictures taken. Inside the box, which was wrongly labeled "Xmas", were more albums and a shoe box full of various loose pictures.

Luke scanned the labels on the leather-bound books. Apparently most of them, if not all of them, were still there. He hadn't seen them in almost two decades and wasn't even aware that they had been locked away in his basement for so long. He hadn't used any Christmas decoration in years so the boxes must have gotten a little mixed up.

"We have a book for every year. Well... except for the one year when she, uh, when she died. We didn't finish that. Liz was gone and dad and me, well, we didn't really feel like finishing it, you know. Not many photos to choose from that year anyway."

Luke's jaw muscles flexed and the blue of his eyes turned a darker shade. He readjusted his hat, a nervous habbit she saw him have since the beginning of their friendship. Lorelai's heart ached for him.

"I'm sorry, hon." she said quietly without even noticing the nickname she had given him. She laid her hand on his in a compassionate manner and locked eyes with Luke. Shortly before she was sure she would have drowned in them, the shrill sound of the kitchen timer interrupted the moment.

Rory, who had watched her mom and Luke in awe, got up from the ground and made her way towards the kitchen. "I'm at it." she said softly and left to get the cookies out of the oven.

~.~

Two hours later the sun was about to set, when Lorelai stepped outside the door for a minute. She needed to clear her head and cool down her overheated body.

The day had been very emotional and she missed her dad incredibly. There were only a few Christmases that she remembered, that they had really spent together as a family. Most of the times, when dinner was over, she was hiding in her room, blasting music on her Walkman, while she wished that one day she would get the proper Christmas that she only knew from books and TV shows. She always wanted for her family to enjoy this special time of the year. She loved how things slowed down, how friends reunited, how loved ones came home and just spent a few days in blissful happiness. No tragedies, no fights, no haste. Just punch and egg nog, candy canes and dumplings, friendly conversations and people coming together, enjoying moments full of gratefulness and love.

She didn't know back then that she would have to wait for years to finally have it that way.

She loved all the Christmases she had spent with just Rory and her friends, but this year, it was extra special. She had spent Christmas with Luke before, but it wasn't as great as it had been today. And even though they had set up a 'No gifts' rule, Lorelai realized he had already given her the biggest gift, he could have possibly had. He had arranged all of today's surprises on his own. She said she would have been fine with not celebrating this year, but instead Luke knew exactly that it wasn't what her heart actually wanted. She was longing for some sense of happiness on this special day, this special time of the year, and he willingly gave it to her, no matter how much it drove him crazy.

From inside the house she heard soft talking and Christmas music playing, the twinkle lights touched her beloved little house in the most wonderful rainbow colors. Her gaze drifted from the house and porch towards her lawn. The grassblades were frozen and all her flowers and plants were sleeping peacefully for the cold winter season.

As her gaze drifted further, she saw her Chuppah. She hadn't noticed before, but there it was, freed from any withered wisteria and grass that had overgrown it in the months of its neglect. Lorelai stepped down the stairs, the cold winter wind hit her with full force with each step she took. The smell of snow lingered in the air. She shivered slightly, but when she laid her fingers to rest on Gilbert the goat, her whole body warmed up again and made her blood rush through her like a freight train.

' _You only get married once._

 _Theoretically.'_

She absently rubbed her ring finger when she heard the front door open.

"I cleaned it up a little, I hope you don't mind?"

She turned around to see Luke, who was standing on her front porch, holding a cellphone in his hands.

"And I called your mom and convinced her that I'd pick her up to celebrate Christmas with us." At her shocked expression he continued "It's bad enough you have to celebrate without your dad, I don't want you to miss your mom too tonight."

For a moment she found herself to be a little ridiculous. How was it possible, that she teared up at every little thing he did for her or said to her. She had all these overwhelming and intense emotions bottled up inside of her and she was sure, she was about to burst.

"Luke, I-" she started speaking, but it was no use. He looked at her affectionately and gestured for her to come in. "I know, it's ok, come on in. You're freezing!"

Lorelai allowed herself one last glance at her beloved Chuppah, the symbol of Luke's love for her from all these years ago. How could she have been so blind, when it was so obvious, so clear for everyone to see. He had loved her all along. And probably, she had too.

~.~

"Don't get too excited," Luke said, before he dropped a heavy cardboard box in front of Lorelai's feet. "What is that?" she asked curiously but didn't get an answer.

When Rory and Emily walked into the warm and cozy living room, they were enveloped by an amazing smell.

Cinnamon. Oranges. Cloves. Fir needles.

Emily admired the sight for a moment. The Christmas tree was impressive and beautifully decorated, a little too much for her taste, but still lovely.

"The real ones are the best." She concluded before she turned to her daughter and pointed at the box.

"Luke told me to bring your photo albums." she shrugged and Lorelai's face went pale.

Luke shot her an evil grin. "Merry Christmas, now we're even." then he left for the safety of the kitchen again.

Rory excused herself for a little while. She wanted to go see Lane to wish her a Merry Christmas.

The youngest Gilmore had decided to speed things up a little on her own account. She had a very pregnant Lane get her some branches of mistletoe. She would hang them later in the evening, when it was dark enough for her mother to not discover them immediately.

If the Christmas miracle wouldn't come to them, she would help getting the miracle to them. She left her best friend's house with two paper bags in her hands. One contained the mistletoe, the other one held a special gift for Luke. Thank god for the Kim's antique store.

Rory snuck inside the house through the back door and hurried into her room.

~.~

"This movie is no fun on that big screen!" Rory pouted, breaking the Gilmore movie night rules for the hundreth time and Lorelai also seemed somewhat annoyed. The big flatscreen TV Christopher had bought was one of the few things Lorelai hadn't gotten rid off yet. Everytime they were watching old movies, the nostalgic feeling their old tube TV provided and that the girls loved so much was just gone.

"Everything is so... vivid and fast and bright and... I don't know, what's the word HD?"

Luke nodded at her.

"I don't like it!" Rory pouted again.

"Yeah!" Lorelai agreed, "Makes me even sadder now, knowing what little cute Macaulay has turned into."

"Crystal usually does that to you." Luke deadpanned.

Emily tore her gaze away from the movie she had never seen before "Who?"

Lorelai and Rory grinned mischievously. "Meth, mother. I'm sure the two of you have never met before."

Luke supressed a laugh at Emily's deliberating expression. She then shook her head.

"No, I'm afraid we haven't." And with that her view was fixated on Kevin pranking Harry and Marv again.

The other three smiled at each other while Lorelai had moved another inch closer to Luke.

In his head he went through every baseball stat he knew and helplessly begged his body to not react to the closeness of her body. Everytime she laughed at something that was happening on screen her head flew back against the couch cushions, her untamed bouncy curls followed and everytime she turned her head towards the screen again, a hint of her shampoo mixed with her perfume wafted towards him. It intoxicated him, made him crazy and while he tried to remember any kind of ball game statistics, he begged his body to calm down a little more insistently.

The palms of his hands got sweaty when for one scene Lorelai was laughing so hard, that she had to put her hand on his knee to steady herself. When her breathless laughter had died down she spun around to check if Luke was laughing too. She always did this, and while he pretended to be annoyed by it, he secretly loved her genuine enthusiasm for a children's movie. When her smile hit him, it was no use trying to recount who scored big time in the Major Leagues 24 years ago. A weird feeling overcame him.

Something in her eyes told him, that they would make it.

Something in them told him, he would have to be the one to make the move this time.

He knew he wanted _this_ for the rest of his life.

To sit by the fire on a cold and snowy Christmas night. He wanted to watch ridiculous kids movies, he wanted to let them eat tons of sugar and have too much egg nog and mulled wine.

He wanted twinkle lights and sickeningly overdone Christmas decorations. He wanted to stand in the kitchen for hours just to give them a nice homecooked Christmas dinner.

He wanted to look through photo albums with her and let her help him take the pain away. Pain of years without his parents, without his family, without any kind of real love.

He wanted her to love him. He knew she was his all along.

The two of them being here that very day, it wasn't just a coincidence resulting out of two strangers meeting a decade ago.

This was fate.

This was meant to be. _They_ were meant to be.

As her brilliant eyes guided him back down to earth, he had relaxed noticeably. He didn't need the baseball stats anymore to distract himself. He knew, their time would come.

And this time, he would make sure, it wouldn't be too long of a wait.

He wanted this. He wanted all of it and all of her.

"I'll be right back. Just checking the goose." He said it so softly, she almost didn't hear him. At his loving gaze her heart skipped a beat and when she turned her head back towards the TV she couldn't even remember what movie they were watching in the first place.

Out of the corner of her eyes she saw her mother staring at her, lost in thought. But the usual displeased look in her eyes was gone. Something else had taken its place. When she turned to look at Emily, her mother instantly looked away.

~.~

When the closing credits had rolled by, Luke slapped his hands onto his thighs playfully before he stood up from the couch.

"I'd say it's about time for these now." he said, pointing to the spread out photo albums on the coffee table.

"No Luke, come on!" Lorelai whined. „I'm hungry, can we please eat first?"

Rory immediately came to her rescue "Yes Luke, please! We're starving!"

Emily gave them a questioning look „How can you two possibly be starving? You've done nothing but eat while we were watching the movie!"

Luke nodded. "Plus all the egg nog you two've been having! How can you not be completey full already?"

Lorelai looked at them in mock surprise. She then closed her eyes theatrically.

"Lucas... Mother." She paused for dramatic effect. Luke and Emily both rolled their eyes at her antics.

"For how long have you known us?" Nobody answered.

"Exactly. Forever is the correct answer. So the two of you should know by now, that Redvines, Mallomars and pop tarts do not count as 'food' in this house. They're just snacks. Snacks you eat while you're stretching your tummy for the real thing. Like a gorgeous goose and marvelous mashed potatoes, or even that weird green stuff you prepared."

"That's asparagus." he said dryly. "And since when does a pop tart not count as food in this household?" Luke was seriously confused by now.

Emily grinned a little "I think we should get the table ready. Let me help you." She said and went into the kitchen, followed by Luke.

"Hey, what's our job?" Lorelai yelled after them. Emily turned back around, smiling knowingly. "You better sort through these photo albums real quick. Some might be a little embarrassing." She winked at her daughter and disappeared into the kitchen.

"So Luke." Emily said in a calm manner while busying herself with unpacking hand-painted plates from bubble wrap.

When Luke was done placing the baking dish with the roasted goose on the kitchen counter, he turned around to Emily. "Yes?"

"Why did you invite me over today?"

He swallowed hard. "Like I told you, you shouldn't sit home alone on Christmas Day. It isn't right." She eyed him suspiciously. She recognized the honesty in his words and in his eyes, but there was something else in them too.

"This is for Lorelai and Rory, isn't it?"

Luke's cheeks blushed slightly, and it wasn't from the heat that radiated from the oven.

"Emily, look-"

She interrupted him. „Luke, it's fine. I'm glad you did it. I'm glad that I'm here tonight and that I can spend some time with my girls."

Luke gave her a careful smile. „Richard would have wanted you to."

Emily's eyes suddenly glistened with tears at his words and she nodded. Before any salty water could escape her eyes, she looked back down at the table and continued placing dishes and silverware. _That man was really good with words. He may not speak a lot of them, but he sure knew how to use them._

A few minutes later a slightly drunk mother and daughter bounced into the kitchen, chuckling giddily.

"What is it with you now?" Luke asked irritated.

"Oh nothing." Lorelai tried to keep a straight face and failed miserably when Rory started giggling again. Again both Luke and Emily rolled their eyes.

"How do you do it?" she asked Luke.

"What do you mean?"

"Tolerate them. Bear with them. Live with them." Emily grinned and her words caught all of them by surprise. Was this was her way of opening up to the idea of Luke being there and staying there? With them. Forever.

Luke smiled at her and just shrugged his shoulders. The little gesture made Lorelai's heart melt. "I'm kind of used to it by now." He added and turned towards the fridge to finally pull out the big surpise box.

Lorelai sobered up immediately. "Hey! We can hear you, you know?" she said in feigned anger and walked over to the table, that Emily had set up as festive as possible, considering the limited space Lorelai's kitchen table offered.

"Grandma, this looks nice! Really nice!" Rory said with an awed tone in her voice.

Emily lit the candles and looked up at her granddaughter.

"Well dear, you know… the Christmas decorations we put up each year? I didn't let the maids do that. It was always my responsibility and my wish to do it. I wouldn't even let them touch a fork."

"Oh I didn't know that, mom." Lorelai said full of surprise. How had she not known? She may not have spent a lot of years in her parent's house, but even in the 16 years had she lived with them, she never noticed her mother was the one to create the most wonderful and festive table settings she had ever seen. They were done so thoughtfully and precise and just perfectly flawless, Lorelai had to admit to herself, it should have been obvious that Emily probably did it herself.

Emily just smiled her at her before her gaze drifted towards Luke, who was putting away a lid from a box he had pulled out of the fridge. His broad shoulders shielded what he held in his hands.

"So ladies. First dish of the day." He said half cheerful, half afraid of what they would think about it.

But when Lorelai laid her eyes on the contents of the box he could see that his nervousness was for nothing.

The candle light emphasized the tears that started to form in her eyes when she saw a piece of wonderbread, shaped like a Santa sitting inside the box. Cream cheese, ketchup and olives on top of a large hamburger patty formed what she had once named the 'Santa Burger'.

"What is that?" Emily asked slightly disgusted, and Luke couldn't even blame her.

"It's a Santa Burger!" Rory explained happy, touching her mother's hand affectionately.

Luke groaned "You told her about it?"

Lorelai couldn't tear her eyes away from the stomach-turning, heartdisease-causing creation on her kitchen table.

"Of course I did Luke. I told you, nobody has ever made me something quite this disgusting before. I needed to share that special moment with my daughter!"

Now that she looked up at him, the love and thankfulness for the memory they had created so many years ago overwhelmed him.

"I'm still thankful for it!" They locked eyes for a moment longer, before Emily cleared her throat. "Can someone please explain this to me?"

Rory nodded at her. "I will. Later. Let's have dinner now."

~.~

Rory and Lorelai basically ate the Santa Burger alone, and even though they agreed, it was actually a little disgusting, they still couldn't help themselves but eat it all.

The main dish was a roasted goose, mashed potatoes, dumplings and various vegetables, which, of course, nobody ate but Luke and Emily.

The amazing smell of thyme and honey filled the room. The flickering candle light touched Lorelai's small but homey kitchen in the most wonderful colors.

They talked and laughed. Had some wine and talked and laughed some more.

It was a great dinner, that left Emily speechless from time to time, even in the midst of conversation. _So many hidden talents that man had._

She began to feel more and more sorry for the way she had treated her former son-in-law for all these years. Rory's words from the day of the wake resonated through her brain.

 _'What she sees in Luke is her whole life laid out before her and everything she ever dreamed of in a relationship. She sees unending devotion and she sees the father she always wished I would have had.'_

The way Luke looked at, not only Lorelai, but also Rory made her heart swell.

The food he had prepared was nothing short of gorgeous and whatever it was with that bizarre Hamburger shaped like Santa Clause, it had obviously aroused something in her daughter. Memories and emotions from years ago came to the surface and Emily wondered, why she never wanted to be a part of it, or why she never wanted for Lorelai to be a part of it. The life her daughter had created with and around Luke apparently was something that dated way back before they had even started dating.

~.~

After dinner the four of them shoved their fully loaded stomachs towards the couch again and Luke was pleased they would finally look through Lorelai's old photo albums.

He also hoped they would forget about the ones they hadn't seen of him, that were still lying inside the box in the corner of the living room.

While Lorelai was pouting and complaining from time to time, the others laughed long and hard at some of the pictures Emily had put together all these years ago. Seeing Richard in them made them sad and happy at the same time. Looking back at it now, it had been a good life, not everything was perfect, and they sure lost a few years of happiness in between, but to Emily, it was close to perfect. She was blessed with a loving and caring husband, a smart and gorgeous granddaughter and her daughter, despite all the struggles they went through, turned out pretty great too.

She told stories of a stubborn and sassy little Lorelai at the Christmas dinner table, who hid her vegetables in her pockets to flush them down the toilet when she thought that nobody was looking.

Emily was careful to leave out any story that somehow involved Christopher and Lorelai was very thankful for that, because to be honest, there were a ton. The Hayden's had been over for almost every Christmas since Lorelai could remember. Luckily there weren't many pictures of that.

"Anyone want anything to drink?" Luke asked and got up from the recliner.

"Why Luke? Do you need alcohol to make it through the photo albums of you, that we haven't gotten to see yet?" Lorelai shot him a devilish grin.

"Oh no, Lorelai! No!" he said, shaking his head, the color fading from his face, even in the cozy warmth of the living room.

"Oh yes, Luke! Yes, yes, yes!" she mocked and jumped over towards the box he had hidden behind the Christmas tree.

"Don't think you can fool me, sweetheart!" the thoughtless choice of words stabbed his heart and his longing gaze wasn't lost on either Rory or Emily, who both instantly stared down at their hands with an abashed look on their faces.

When Lorelai returned with one leather-bound book in her hands, Luke rolled his eyes at her for the millionth time today.

"You're exhausting!" he grumbled and sat back down.

"Let's get this over with! It's late!" he said and prayed to god, he would have his pants on in all the photographs in the album that she had chosen.

The book had no date on it and only a few pages even seemed to have pictures in them. Lorelai pouted "Ah bummer, I chose the wrong one!"

Rory intervened for Luke's sake "Mom, leave it, you've been teasing the man enough for one day. We don't want to scare him away again, or do we?"

What was meant to be an innocent way of helping Luke turned into something more serious, when Lorelai looked Luke deeply in the eyes, whispering "No, we don't."

A few seconds ticked down, where nobody dared to make a sound.

Luke eventually cleared his throat and swallowed the lump there. The pleading look in her beautiful blue eyes had caused his heartbeat to speed up again.

She wanted him to stay. She didn't say it like that, but he knew it. He knew everything about her, or at least he used to.

 _To hell with all this awkwardness!_

Emily took the book from Lorelai and opened it carefully.

" _1984-1986_ " Emily read the lean and neat writing on the backside of the cover.

Luke said nothing but his shoulders tightened and he suddenly seemed even more uncomfortable than he did before. Emily sensed his change in demeanor and looked up at Luke.

"If you want me to close it, I will." She said softly, a tone in her voice, Luke had never heard her use, except for when she was talking about Rory. He shook his head and out of the corner of his eyes he saw two pair of expectant and hopeful eyes staring at him. He released a breath and gave in. "It's fine. Go ahead."

Emily's look turned more serious. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, just… just one thing-" he said, looking at Lorelai now, "no mocking. No laughing." He pointed to the book.

"These weren't exactly the happiest times of my life." Lorelai and Rory nodded and on Luke's signal, Emily opened the first page.

 _Luke's mother had just died and Liz was very pregnant and obviously also very high in some of the pictures. A few of them showed his dad and Luke. A fishing trip, the last one. Katherine's grave covered in snow. William behind the counter of the hardware store, his bad health very noticeable. The remodeled office, now apartment, above the diner. Luke in some sort of a class room, holding some sort of framed certificate. And then there was Luke in track shorts._ Lorelai had a hard time not mocking it, but she didn't want to make Luke mad, so she decided to act like a grown-up for as long as they would look through the pictures.

Her mood turned more serious by the time they seemed to have reached the summer that Liz had given birth to Jess. He had never talked about it before. Lorelai didn't even know that, when Jess showed up in Stars Hollow at age 17, it hadn't been his first time there. Luke had never talked about it before.

Jess was an adorable baby. Chubby, his expression a little sad, but still cute. A head full of dark, crazy bird-nest-hair. Bright and curious chocolate brown eyes. Especially Rory swooned over baby Jess and she knew she would mock him for his mother's weird baby fashion choices the next time she would see him.

As Emily turned page after page, Luke grew more and more impatient. His discomfort was almost tangible. When Emily turned the next page, there was a faded note glued next to the picture of a beautifully carved wooden crib. It reminded Lorelai of the Chuppah standing outside on her lawn.

Emily lined the wobbly handwriting with her thumb.

" _I'm sorry. – Liz"_ she then looked up at Luke, as did Lorelai and Rory.

"Luke?" she asked carefully.

He hung his head for a moment and when he looked back up he needed to take another deep breath.

"Liz wasn't exactly in the right place to take care of a child when she was young. She might have been around Lorelai's age, but she was nowhere near as responsible and reasonable as she was. She would ditch Jess in a heartbeat, something Lorelai would have never done." He looked at Emily, who was stunned to hear him say these words.

"My sister did a lot of drugs and alcohol. She was always with some loser boyfriend, one worse than the other. Jess' father seemed to be a little better, he wasn't as dumb and rude as the others, when we first met him. There was more to him, and maybe that's what Liz saw in him, but when life got in the way, he turned out just like all the other guys she dated before him. Only difference, Jimmy got her pregnant. And then he left. He did that again and again. And Liz fell for it all the time. He could be as crappy and useless as he wanted, she just didn't see it. Or didn't want to see it. I guess maybe… sometimes... that just happens to women and certain men." Luke glanced at Lorelai and she knew exactly what, or who she was referring to. She looked down into her lap, guilt washing over her.

The hurt in Luke's eyes was too painful for her to bear. He had been through all of _that_ before with his sister, and for the past months she was the one to make him relive this nightmare over and over again.

Luke gestured for Emily to turn the page and continued "So when Jess had just turned one she came to live with us for a few weeks. She needed money and a place to crash. And then, one night, she left again. Alone this time."

Emily forced her eyes away from the picture of a sleeping, totally exhausted Luke with a peacefully sleeping Jess on his bare chest. A milk bottle in one hand, a book that tangled from his fingers, in the other. Emily's eyes widened. "She just left Jess with you?"

When Luke only nodded, his jaw muscles flexed and an unpleasent silence fell over the living room. The only noise came from the various clocks around them and somewhere in the kitchen or Rory's room a CD was playing Bing Crosby's 'White Christmas'.

 _May your days be merry and bright…_

"So you took care of both your little nephew and your father who was already sick at the time, is that right? And you also worked in the hardware store to support your family's living?"

"Well yeah, it's family. You do what you gotta do, right?" he stated unceremoniously.

Emilys eyes welled up with fresh tears and she tried to hide it, but it was no use.

"I promised my father at his death bed that I would take care of Liz and Jess. And that's what I did, what I still do. She may be crazy and not always make the smartest life choices, but I love her. I can't just give up on people I care about, no matter the problems we might have had." He turned to look at Lorelai and Rory. "I never could. That's not who I am." Rory gave him a sweet, teary-eyed smile, which let him know, they knew he wasn't just talking about Liz anymore.

"We know that, Luke."

Emily handed him the photo album. "Luke, that's… I-I-" Then she got up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen.

A stunned Luke stood there baffled and Lorelai immediately went after her mother right in time to see her leave through the back door.

Lorelai closed the door behind her, afraid of what state she would find her mother in.

"Mom, what's-" And then she stopped, her eyes gazing up in surprise and wonder.

Millions of big heavy snowflakes tumbled out of the night sky and covered the trees and houses on Maple street like powdered sugar.

"I'm sorry, Lorelai." Emily whispered, tearing her daughter away from her thoughts and back to reality.

"Is everything ok with you, mom?" Lorelai touched her mother's shoulders affectionately. Emily was cold as ice, her fragile body shivered in the icy winter wind. She turned around to face Lorelai, her composure only slightly regained.

"Did you know he did that? Take his nephew in?"

"No, he has never talked about that. He doesn't like talking about that particular time of his life in general. He doesn't easily open up about it."

Emily nodded and her gaze drifted back towards the snowladen trees. She watched the snowflakes dance down to the ground and come to rest like a white, glittering blanket.

"I'm so sorry for how I treated him for all these years. He is- I don't know how to even comprehend it. He really is a good man. Selfless, upright. The things he did for his family, and the way he has been taking care of you and Rory for all these years… It's astounding."

She drew a deep shaky breath. "Richard was right, we did him wrong. We've been awful to him. He did nothing but good and we treated him like he wasn't worthy to be in our family. When really, I think, it was the other way around."

Emily looked at her daughter, who just stood there staring at her mother with wide eyes.

"You know what he said to me, when he called me earlier to invite me over?"

Lorelai's heartbeat had risen to unknown heights and it only allowed her to shake her head carefully.

"He said that nobody should be alone on Christmas day. And that even though Richard is gone, we still had each other, and we shouldn't let that band break. It should be stronger than ever. And one day it would be our last Christmas together without us even knowing."

Lorelai remained silent. The pieces of her heart ached in her chest.

"And he's right, you know." Emily continued.

"What do you mean?"

"Nobody should be alone on Christmas Day." Emily turned around fully, the snow on the old wooden floor boards of the front porch creaked under her feet.

She opened her arms and pulled a flustered Lorelai into a tight embrace.

"I'm so incredibly sorry, Lorelai."

Lorelai's voice was husky and she struggled with fresh tears.

Emily hugged her tighter and whispered into her ear: "You have to make this right again, Lorelai. With Luke, I mean. Rory can't stay here with you forever. And I… will not be around forever either. I don't want you to be alone one day, Lorelai. You need him, just like he needs you. I know I haven't been supportive at all so far, but I was so wrong about it all. I see that now."

She let Lorelai go, but held on to her shoulders to keep her from moving. "You remember the day, many years ago, it was Rory's first year at Chilton? We were standing in our kitchen and got into an argument about Luke and his role in your life."

"I remember. Not exactly one of our brightest moments." Lorelai admitted, smiling a little while she thought back to the talk she had with her mother back then. Luke had been helping her find Rory's loose chick.

' _It seems like this man is always around when you're in trouble.'  
'He's a good friend.' _Yeah, sure Lorelai. Lie to yourself some more, will you? She internally rolled her eyes at her younger self. _  
'Oh, please.'  
'Do we have to discuss this?'  
'Lorelai, I'm getting a little tired of being lied to.'  
_Emily just couldn't let it go. _'Apparently we do.'  
'This man was at Rory's birthday party, he came to the hospital with you, he's the male lead in every story you tell, you go to the diner every single day. I've seen the way he looks at you, the way you look at him. I'm not a fool.' _But I was. Clearly. _  
'Mom, please.'  
'Why do you treat me like I don't have a clue in the world as to what is going on in your life? Now I'm asking you, as a favor, if you have any respect for me at all as your mother, just tell me. Do you have feelings for this man?'_

The question had knocked her off her feet for a moment. _'I don't know. Maybe I do. I haven't given it much thought… Maybe I do.'_

Emily then interrupted her trip down memory lane. "I knew it back then, Lorelai. I knew he was more to you than just a friend."

Lorelai nodded, still a little lost in thought "He was. He is."

Her mother leaned towards her and hugged her again, a determined look in her eyes.

"I know… Make it right again, Lorelai. You two deserve it."

Lorelai prayed to god her heart wouldn't stop beating at her mother's words.

With a sad smile she gestured for Emily to follow her. "Let's go back inside mom, otherwise Rory and Luke will have to scrape our pretty, but frozen bodies off the floor in the morning."

Emily gave her a small smile and followed her daughter back inside the warm house.

"Ok guys, we might have a little problem here." Lorelai announced when she had returned to the living room, her mother in tow.

Luke, still a little pale and uncomfortable arose from the couch: "What is it?" he asked cautiously.

Emily pointed towards the misty windows, through which they could clearly see the big snowflakes whirling around in the dark of the night.

The four of them moved closer and then saw the snow mountains that had been piling up outside Lorelai's house.

"Oh!" was all Rory said while Lorelai's eyes began to shine again. "It's beautiful." she said barely above a whisper.

It was almost midnight and nobody had noticed that they were pretty much snowed in by now.

Luke's face was covered in concern.

„The cars are all snowed in, I can't even see the walkway anymore." He turned towards the Gilmore women. "I'll shovel it first thing in the morning, but I can't drive you home tonight Emily, it isn't safe."

"Grandma, you can stay here for tonight. You can have my room. Mom and I are sleeping in her bedroom anyway. It'll be like one big snowy pyjama party." Rory suggested, her eyes, heavy from too much egg nog, were shining like those of a little kid.

"Oh I don't know, if that is such a good idea." Emily didn't feel very comfortable with the thought. "Emily, you really don't have much of a choice." Luke tried again.

She looked at him "And what about you? You can't walk home now either."

Contemplating what she had said Luke looked out of the window again.

"It's only ten minutes from here. I could-"

"Stay!" Lorelai blurted out, a little too loud and a little too desperate.

All eyes were on her as she cleared her throat and felt the blush creep up her cheeks in the already overheated living room.

"I mean you could um- stay on the couch, if that's ok. We have blankets and all and the fire is still good for a couple of hours."

"Are you sure?" he asked, internally begging for the answer to be _'Yes.'_

Sensing his struggle Rory jumped in "Yes, she's sure. Stay Luke. You'll freeze to death out there. And besides, I'd totally love to have a nice after-Christmas-hangover-breakfast in the morning." She grinned innocently and remembered she also still had a mission to accomplish.

Luke didn't miss the small, hopeful smile playing on Lorelai's lips and as usual he gave in, because, how could he not.

~.~

Once everyone was snuggled up in their beds, or the couch for that matter, the house was awkwardly quiet for the first time in hours. Lorelai felt like it had been one of the longest days of her life. Her emotions got the best of her and she couldn't will her tired eyes to sleep, no matter how hard she tried. The clock showed it was shortly before 1 am.

Rory had come to bed only a few minutes ago and was now already sleeping soundly next to her. From time to time she mumbled something in her sleep and Lorelai was reminded of their early years, when they had shared a single bed in the tiny potting shed behind the Independence Inn.

Lorelai turned around and came to lie with her head facing the nightstand.

Her mother's words echoed through her brain.

' _Make it right again, Lorelai.'_

When another ten minutes had ticked down, Lorelai sat up, careful not to wake Rory.

Like a hundred times before she opened the drawer of the nightstand and took out her jewelry box. But other than before, she didn't have to put away two layers of meaningless Christopher crap first. She had brought his jewelry to a pawnshop and donated the proceeds to Stars Hollow's Goodwill organisation.

Next to her mother's words, Luke's words from this morning popped up in her head.

 _"You could never sleep again and would still be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."_

„When you're keeping me awake like that, I'll probably never be sleeping again anyway." She grumbled and lined the engraving carefully.

She missed the feeling of Luke's ring on her finger. She missed how right she had felt, when he had first given it to her.

"Oh Luke." She sighed, her heart ached for his love, ached for his touch. She remembered the amazing feeling of their intertwined fingers. They didn't hold hands very often, but when they did, it was heaven to her. She was so proud to walk around with him attached to her hand. She wanted everyone to know and everyone to see, that this amazing man, that Luke Danes, was hers. He was her man and nobody else would ever have him.

Her hand was shaking, when she positioned the ring above her left ring finger. Suddenly her vision blurred and a sleepy Rory sat up next to her.

Hot burning tears escaped Lorelai's eyes when Rory's arms closed around her mother's shaking shoulders.

Minutes went by, where they just sat there motionless until Lorelai's sobs had died down.

„Just tell him!" Rory finally said, as she watched the ring dance between her mother's fingers.

"I can't. It's too soon."

"It's not too soon! This is about Luke! Your Luke! _Our_ Luke! The almost begging tone to her daughter's voice broke her heart all over again.

"Rory-"

"No mom! If anything, it's almost too late." Rory let that sink in before she continued. "The two of you are nothing but wasting time. Tell him."

Even in the dark of the bedroom Lorelai could clearly see the determination in her daughter's eyes. She hated that she was just as stubborn and convincing as she was.

Nobody spoke for a few moments and eventually Rory laid back down and stared at the ceiling.

"It's not that easy, Rory."

"It can be, if you allow it to be."

Lorelai simply nodded. She didn't want to talk about it anymore. After a few more minutes of silence, Rory had turned around and was asleep again.

Lorelai placed the ring on the nightstand. She figured, she didn't really need to hide it anymore. She didn't even know, if she would need it ever again.

Rory was right, she had to tell Luke what she was feeling. The not-talking they had done for months was what had put them in the position they were in now. She hated to admit, that she was at exactly the same point, she had been in May. She wanted to let him know now. And she wanted his answer now too. She was so sick of waiting. That ring belonged on her finger. His hand belonged into hers. His name belonged on her ID.

She wanted it all. She had waited long enough. Lorelai Gilmore was not one for patience.

Internally kicking herself for having her mother and daughter over for the night, she rose from the bed as quietly as possible.

When her sockless feet touched the cold wooden floor she winced and looked for her Hello Kitty slippers in the darkness of the bedroom. The moon wasn't quite full yet, but its light helped her make her way through the bedroom and along the hallway safely without making too much noise.

It had stopped snowing and Lorelai hoped she could make it to the Dragonfly in the morning, since she had to check in on the preparations for the Inn's New Year's Eve festivities.

With each step that she took down the stairs, her heartbeat was growing faster and louder.

The fire in the fireplace was still burning brightly and it blinded her for a moment.

On the table by the couch stood an empty tea cup. She smiled knowingly and remembered the taste of peppermint on his lips.

When her gaze drifted over to the couch her heart skipped a beat at the sight. She saw a sleeping Luke, breathing evenly. His presence in her living room, in her house, it made her feel safe and happy.

Lorelai picked up another blanket from the huge stack of blankets that Rory had laid out for Luke and carefully placed it next to the couch. She sat on it and turned towards Luke's sleeping form. She grinned at the blanket Rory must have insisted on giving to Luke.

Everything inside Lorelai slowed down in an instant, when she allowed herself to really look at Luke for the first time in months. She had all the time in the world, well theoretically. If she'd blush or drool, nobody would notice. His big, strong body filled her tiny couch completely. One arm was clamped under his hatless head and he had gotten rid of the flannel, much to Lorelai's content. With a pleased look she eyed his toned muscles and imagined the brush of his soft hair against her naked body. She bit her lip at the thought and felt her body react in a way that only Luke was able to make her feel. She leaned in a little closer and took in the rough beauty of his handsome face. If only his gorgeous eyes would have been open. Lorelai sighed a little. The flickering of the firelight did wonderful things to his beautiful features. She noticed a few lines around his mouth and forehead, that hadn't been there a few months ago. The tiny razor scar on his upper lip made her smile. It was basically her fault, as it had happened, when they had first become a couple. _Both of them were getting ready for the day in Luke's narrow bathroom. Lorelai just came out of the shower and Luke was in the middle of shaving off the perfect three-day-stubble she loved so much, when she pinched his naked ass and he cut himself at the scare._

 _He made her pay for it, right then and there on the sink in his bathroom. He made her scream out his name over and over again and she remembered how tender his cut lip had been when she kissed him. Hot wanting kisses had left them swollen and burning. Burning for more. Which she gave to him willingly. There were days, when the getting-ready for the day took hours so that Luke would usually have Cesar open the diner. Because with Lorelai, you'd never know._

She lined his perfect, full lips with her eyes. When she closed them, she imagined herself kissing those soft lips. Goosebumps covered her arms as she lifted her hand and carefully laid her fingertips against his cheek. The stubble had grown back over the course of the day and the gentle touch sent electric jolts through her entire body. Only Luke could make her feel this way.

"I miss you." She whispered, her voice a mixture of longing and arousal.

She knew, he wouldn't wake up, he never did. Once he was out, he was out.

She caressed his cheek again and blew a soft, feathersoft kiss to his lips.

Fireworks danced before her eyes at the connection that she had missed so much for so many months. She knew, it wasn't the real thing, and she knew she couldn't rush things again, like she had done before. She wanted him, that much was true. But she needed to tell him first. No more mindreading. No more mind games. No ultimatums or yelling and fighting.

In the peace and warmth of the closeness to his body, Lorelai finally fell asleep, her head resting against his. His soft breathing lulled her to sleep as her hand was resting against his chest, covering his beating heart.

~.~

It had gotten a lot colder around him, he noticed, when first one, then his second eye opened, struggling with adjusting to his surroundings. It all came back to him in a flash as his view crossed the ridiculous Hello Kitty blanket Rory had insisted on giving him.

A branch of mistletoe was dangling from the ceiling above him. He was sure he didn't hang it there when he had prepared the living room early the last morning.

When he stirred, the delicate scent of peaches and vanilla encased him and he stared down at his chest in disbelief.

For a second he wondered if he was dreaming again, but the warmth that radiated from her sleeping body proved him otherwise. Her dark brown locks were sprawled across his chest and her head was snuggled up against it. The moonlight that was shining through the curtains illuminated her face in the most stunning way. Her lips were slightly open while she breathed evenly and he remembered the faint taste of coffee on them. He admired her cute little nose and started counting the freckles there. He remembered every single one as he had been laying awake for countless nights just watching her sleep.

Having Lorelai Gilmore in his life and in his arms, it had always felt like a dream to him.

He leaned down a little to reach the top of her head and place a tiny kiss there.

He carefully sat up, steadying her so she wouldn't fall over. He moved around on the couch until he was able to get up.

Like a million times before, he laid his hands on her body and carefully placed her on the couch. She moaned a little in her sleep but didn't wake up. Luke smiled at her and studied her face, her breathing. He carefully adjusted the blanket around her shoulders, her left hand slipped out from under her and he automatically leaned down and intertwined his fingers with hers.

It felt like a million tiny explosions were shaking his body at the sensation of the contact.

He leaned down a little further until his lips hovered above hers, only millimetres apart. Luke felt Lorelai's warm breath on his lips. The scent of her strawberry toothpaste tickled his nose.

"I miss you." He breathed, barely above a whisper before his lips closed around hers gently.

He lingered for a moment longer and then pressed another careful kiss to their entwined hands.

He no longer felt the coldness of the air around him, he didn't hear the footsteps that were making their way back to where they came from. He didn't hear the door close again on the floor above.

All that mattered, all that he saw was the beautiful woman lying before him.

He had missed her touch, her presence, the happiness and joy she brought into his life. The unique way, only she could make him smile and come out of that shell he hid under for most of his life.

Luke sat down next to the couch, in the very spot that Lorelai was sitting when he had woken up. He wrapped himself up in another blanket and like he had done a million times before, he began studying her features over and over.

"You'll be mine again." he whispered before he closed his tired eyes and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

~.~

Early next morning Rory woke up to the sound of something scraping over the walkway outside the house. With one tired eye she checked the flurry clock on the nightstand and slowly made her way into the bathroom to get dressed.

Last night when her full bladder had woken her up, she found the other side of the bed to be empty. On the nightstand she discovered the ring that Lorelai had been holding earlier. When she went to look for her mother, she witnessed a heart-wrenching scene playing out in the living room. Silently she had walked back into the bedroom and the ring was now packed away in her pocket.

She would make sure it would be back were it belonged.

When she entered the kitchen the smell of freshly brewed coffee with a hint of nutmeg made her smile. She poured herself a cup and grabbed the bag she had hidden in the closet in the hallway late last night. She downed her coffee and went outside to see if Luke was still there.

Behind a huge pile of snow she found him, shoveling the walkway. The three cars were already freed from snow.

"Morning!" she yelled in his direction.

Not expecting any Gilmore woman up at this time of the day, he jumped up in surprise.

"Jeez, Rory! You scared me."

"Sorry." she smiled. „I've got something for you, can you come here for a sec?"

Luke brushed off the snow from his army jacket and jeans and walked over to his former stepdaughter-to-be.

"What is it?" he exhaled. His fingers and nose seemed frozen and Rory felt sorry for him.

"Aww, you're freezing! Come inside Luke, you've done enough already!"

He shrugged in typical Luke-like manner "Ah, it's no big deal. I'm almost done anyway... So… you've got something for me?" he asked curiously.

Rory reached inside the bag she was carrying.

"Here. This is for you." she said with a sheepish smile on her face.

Luke took the neatly wrapped package from her.

"Rory, we said 'no gifts'!"

"I know, Luke. This isn't really a 'gift gift', just something for you to... well, see for yourself." She said, while he unwrapped the package.

A dark-green leather-bound book came to the surface.

"Oh wow, this is beautiful." he turned it around in his hands, admiring the quality. It looked very valuable, old, but in perfect condition.

He flipped through its empty pages, as Rory explained: "This one's for the new memories you're going to make. We can start with this year's Christmas and next year we'll add all the photographs we've been taking that year. You can add April's photographs too. Sound good?" a happy smile adorned her face while Luke looked at her, completely stunned.

"Rory, this is..." he was looking for words as he felt a lump form in his throat. To keep himself from getting too emotional, he pulled the youngest Gilmore into a tight hug.

"Thank you!" he breathed into her ear.

"You're welcome Luke. Thank you for all you've done. Not just yesterday, but in general. The last year was, well.. we all kind of hit a rough patch, but I think we're back on track now, aren't we?" She winked, gesturing towards the house, where the love of Luke's life was still sleeping peacefully on the couch.

Luke smiled a careful smile. "I hope so."

Rory reached into the pocket of her coat. "I know so!" she said with unshakable determination in her voice, as she handed Luke a little box.

When he realized it was the ring box that once belonged to his mother and then Lorelai, his heart stopped.

"Rory, what-?" Apart from the already cold winter wind, his face froze.

"Why-how...?"

„Give it to her when you're ready. But it better be soon, we have an album to fill!" she grinned and winked at him, looking like the exact replica of her mother doing so.

Luke still stood there dumbfounded, trying to understand what was happening.

"The two of you have waited long enough. And believe me Luke, she's ready! She is _so_ ready for it!"

He finally managed to croak "It's too soon!"

Rory rolled her eyes at him. He was just as stubborn and stupid as her mother. "No, it's not, Luke! This is good and it's right. Nothing has ever been more right! The two of you... I mean, come on, you can't tell me, you're not still madly in love with my mother?" she asked lovingly.

The color was back in Luke's cheeks as he blushed slightly. He opened the box and the beauty of the ring that was once his mother's hit him like a ton of bricks. He saw the engraving he had chosen and remembered how touched Lorelai was by it, when she had first seen it. The memory of her sparkling blue eyes flashed before him.

Luke looked back up at Rory and carefully placed the ring box in his pocket.

Unshed tears glistened in his eyes.

"I never stopped loving her."


	10. Righting the wrongs

Hello again sweethearts,

Thank you for all your lovely reviews. I love you all, I mean it!

Now we've finally reached the chapter we've all been waiting for ;-)

Hope you like it,

let's give them, what they deserve...

* * *

\- Chapter 10 - Righting the wrongs -

"Luke, honey, can you come here for a-" a sleepy Lorelai stopped mid-sentence when she took in the heart-wrenching scene in front of her.

It had been a long night.

Ava had been keeping them both up all evening and most of the night. When Luke went for a midnight stroll with her, Lorelai finally managed to catch up on some much needed sleep.

She couldn't remember when she had ever been this tired.

Sure, she had been through all of this before with Rory at the delicate age of only 16 and she didn't even have much help then, but it was still different this time.

She was older now. And even though Luke was, of course, the greatest husband and father alive, they still found themselves beyond exhausted and tired most every day.

They passed out on the couch before they had even managed to make it past the first commercial of whatever show or movie they were trying to watch.

Teething was tough business and Ava struggled way more with it than her brother.

'He suffers in silence', as Luke liked to say, not hiding his pride over the perfect and gorgeous mini version of himself.

Noah was a sweet and quiet boy. Very relaxed and easy to love, and only cranky when hungry.

The closer their first birthday came, the more Lorelai wished for some uninterrupted sleep. Wished for more help. Wished for a break and some alone time, even if it were just five minutes in the bathroom where no one was crying for a boob or a new diaper. She sighed and walked closer towards the couch.

All her crazy thoughts blew up into nothing, when she took a closer look at him.

The man, she had built this amazing life with. The man, who made it all worth it. The man, who had given her her precious babies. The man, who she had once thought she had lost. The man, who was so much more than just her partner, her husband and the father to her children.

He was her soulmate, her greatest cheerleader, her biggest support system, the family's provider and everything and more she could have ever dreamed of.

As she watched Luke sleep on the couch, a peacefully snoring Ava on his bare chest, she smiled softly and her eyes welled up with tears of joy.

The lines around his eyes and mouth had gotten deeper. The receding hairline bugged him more and more each year. The tattoos on his upper arms were slowly starting to fade away. His skin was covered in more freckles and soft dusting of grey hair. His back ached, but he never complained about it, he went to the doctor four times a year to get an injection and he was good to go, as he liked to put it.

He never complained. He got up at night to bottle-feed the twins, he worked less hours and never on the weekends. He cooked for them every day and like he always had, he kept the house from falling apart. The new add-on was much more work, and he also helped her with that. She couldn't believe, how she had ever gotten so lucky. She finally must have done something right after all.

Today was Sunday. A bright and sunny Sunday in late September.

As she stood there, watching her life long dream unfold in front of her, Lorelai once again thanked heavens for the special gift Luke had brought into their lives.

He had not only given her two beautiful and healthy babies, he also loved the three of them unconditionally and more and more each day.

And other than _before_ , he showed and told her that every single day, even if they had a big fight or a simple argument. When they had gotten back together almost two three years ago, they had made the promise to never go to bed angry, to always kiss each other good night, and to always make sure to tell each other how much they meant to one another.

And so far, no one had broken the promise.

Lorelai looked at Luke lovingly and was reminded of a photograph from more than 20 years ago.

The old picture was burned into her brain forever. It had stirred something inside her when she had seen it for the very first time a few Christmases ago.

 _Luke was holding baby Jess. Tired. Exhausted. Caring. Loving. Selfless. Unconditionally._

 _This was Luke._

 _Her Luke all along._

The husband she always wanted to have and she knew she deserved. The amazing father she always knew he would be. The man she had loved for longer than she was even aware of.

The night she had first seen that photograph, was the night Lorelai had made a promise to herself.

She would make herself happy. And the only way to be truly happy, was with Luke in her life. She had tried without him, but she failed.

Lorelai made the promise to fight for it, fight for him. To work on whatever was necessary so that she would never lose him ever again.

And now, just a few short years later, she had it all. Everything she had ever wished for had come true.

She hadn't lost him and she never ever would.

Like she had written years ago, _'Once Luke Danes is in your life, he's in your life forever.'_

And he had also kept his promise. Through the good times and the bad he was standing by her side. When she was crying over yet another pregancy test coming back negative. When she almost passed out from the joy of finally, after months of trying, seeing two stripes appear on the plain plastic stick. When she threw up every night. When she went into premature labor and was put to bedrest for the last nine weeks of her pregnancy.

He had held her hand through all of it and cheered her on, until finally, 27 painful hours later, on October 22nd she had given birth to the most beautiful babies the world had ever seen.

 _Dreams do come true._

Her hormones got the best of her and a happy tear slipped out of the corner of her eye.

She stood there for a while, swaying gently back and forth, enjoying her little trip down memory lane. It was all too good to be true.

Finally Noah was burping against her shoulder and Lorelai was glad that now she didn't need to wake up Luke. Usually Noah only burped with daddy.

"You're a good boy, baby." Lorelai cooed sweetly.

"We'll let daddy and your sissy sleep for a little bit, ok sweet boy?"

The typical, heavenly baby smell radiated from his warm body and Lorelai couldn't help but take it all in. Noah smiled one of these gorgeous, wide and innocent smiles that only babies were able to and that made you think that there is nothing but peace and love in the world. His two tiny front teeth melted her heart every time he looked at her like that. Bright blue eyes laughed happily at their beloved mother.

"You're turning into a little momma's boy, aren't you?" she giggled and tickled his rounded belly. The red and blue plaid flannel onesie he wore was one of her most favorite things in the entire world. She remembered the day Rory had given it to her. The longest eye roll in the history of Luke Danes' eyerolls had followed. But behind his annoyed façade she saw how Luke secretly loved the outfit on his little boy. His chest swelled with pride every time he talked about Noah, and he already got all protective when someone came too close to his little precious princess Ava.

The twins had turned their life around completely and Luke and Lorelai wouldn't want to have it any other way.

The sunlight was beaming through the curtains and dust particles were dancing through the air, but nobody cared. When Noah made a cute gurgling sound, Lorelai laughed. "Yes you are my little man, you are a momma's boy!"

And suddenly it was cold around her. The bright and sunny Sunday with rays of sunshine beaming through their remodeled living room was replaced with a cool breeze leaving her shocked and shivering in the middle of the room. When she opened her eyes she saw a mistle toe dangling from the ceiling and when she turned her aching head towards her surroundings she saw a cold fireplace, Christmas stockings hanging all around it, little angel figurines lined up on the mantle.

"Who's a momma's boy?" a curious voice asked her, thick with amusement.

 _What had happened?_

In her head she was still mother to 11 month old Ava and Noah Danes. She was married for more than two years and her husband and daughter were sleeping soundly on a big comfy couch that looked nothing like this one.

Lorelai held her hammering forehead and closed her burning eyes, her eye lids heavy as bricks.

What was going on? Why was she here on that tiny old couch?

She remembered, that the person who had asked the question was still waiting for an answer and apparently that person was also related to her.

"Mom?" the voice asked again, tearing her away from the bright and sunny Sunday again.

Rory started getting a little anxious. "Mom? What is it?" she walked over to her mother, who was now sitting up on the old couch. _God, that thing was uncomfortable!_

"Are you alright? Usually you master your alcohol better than that." Rory tried to joke when Lorelai still seemed far far away with her thoughts.

When the front door opened, another cool breeze was entering the house. Lorelai turned her head to see who was coming in.

"Luke." She croaked, her throat aching like she had been swallowing acid and sand the other night.

Luke was alarmed immediately. "What's wrong with you?"

He briefly looked at Rory, only to find her just as confused and concerned as he was.

"Is she alright?"

When Luke sat down next to Lorelai and she saw his hand that carefully touched hers, she found her voice back: "Where is your ring? You said you'd never take it off!" Tears sprang to her eyes and the way her face fell apart worried Luke to no end.

"What are you- Rory, what is this?" he asked helplessly, looking up at Rory again. She just shrugged and went over to them. She laid her hand against her mother's forehead. "She's not hot. Maybe she just had a nightmare?"

Luke held the shaking woman in his arms, careful not to move her too much as she clung to him for dear life. "Must have been a hell of a nightmare then!" he said and kept on caressing her dark brown curls. His touch was soft and gentle, but comforting and strong as well.

"You promised!" she repeated over and over again until her sobs eventually died down.

"You promised! You promised!" her voice was barely recognizable. Something pulled on her shoulder. Hard. Harder.

"Mom! Mom!" Rory tried again. "How much did you have to drink? Wake up for god's sake!"

Lorelai opened her eyes and shot up from the couch, almost knocking Rory over as she did.

Her heart almost burst through her chest.

 _It was just a dream._

 _Or a nightmare?_

"Rory, what-" She stopped, trying to gather her thoughts. Trying to figure out what was reality and what had been a dream. She checked her surroundings and saw it was still Christmas. There were still angel figurines sitting on the mantle of the fireplace and there was still a mistletoe above her head and she still had ten fingers and ten toes. So that much was ok.

"Rory, what happened?" she finally managed to look at her daughter, who wore a worried frown on her face.

Rory sat down next to Lorelai. "You fell asleep here last night. We weren't able to wake you up so far. We tried, but apparently the last two egg nogs were a bit too much." She tried to grin to ease the tension of the situation a little bit.

Lorelai was still confused. "Who is we?"

Rory shot her mother a strange look. "Luke! Who else would I be talking about?"

When she said his name, the fog started to lift. Lorelai nodded absently.

 _So it was a dream within a dream._

There was no ring on her finger. There was no framed wedding photograph above the fireplace. There were no gorgeous curly-haired babies and no toys lying around everywhere. There was no bright and sunny Sunday. No dust particles dancing along warm rays of sunshine.

Worst of all: There was no Luke.

The pounding in her head started to get more and more severe. She tried to soothe her aching temples, but it was no use.

"Where is Luke?" she dared to ask after a few more moments of uncomfortable silence.

Rory held out two aspirin and a large glass of water to her mother.

"He's driving grandma home to Hartford." She told her and paused in her movements to study her mother's worrisome expression.

"What is it with you mom? You're starting to scare me." Rory reached out to her to feel her forehead and Lorelai jumped at the touch. A major deja-vu from the dream she just had shook her to the core. _No more egg nog! Noah is a momma's boy! Ava's teething ring is still in the refrigerator!_

Rory's puzzled frown grew more desperate by the second. "Mom are you ok? You seem weird."

Lorelai shrugged it off. "Why thank you kid." The thoughts in her head were spinning wildly, making her dizzy.

"I uh- I think I just had too much to drink yesterday. I'll be fine." She plastered a fake smile on her face and turned around to leave for the bathroom.

There were no babies. No milk bottle on the table. No ring on her finger.

Panic rose within her and she tried to hide it, so she hurried up the stairs. _This is not the same banister._

"I'll be ok."

Rory stared after her for a few moments longer, concern still written all over her features.

~.~

Around lunchtime Rory had left the house for the rest of the day. She was off to help Lane and Zach set up the twins' room. They would arrive any day now and especially Lane was thankful for her best friend's company and a little distraction.

Lorelai felt emotional and out of place the whole morning.

She meant to check in on the Dragonfly, but Sookie told her, she had it all taken care of and that she might just as well stay at home and get rid of that nasty hangover she apparently had.

The movie Lorelai was watching on the awfully huge flat screen TV did nothing to silence her jumbled thoughts. The dream and her vision of a dream reality, had caused her to both be happy about what could have happened and also sad about what she might have lost for all eternity.

She had a similar dream many years ago, but it was nothing like the dream she had woken up to this morning.

She caught herself thinking, she better hadn't woken up. She wanted this dream to become her reality. It was perfect. She may have been awfully tired, her hair was messy and her boobs hung, but besides all that, her dream life was perfect. When the movie she hadn't really watched, had ended, Lorelai took out a photo album of little Rory's early years.

She couldn't help but imagine and picture these two precious dream babies again.

They looked at lot like Rory. Fragile, but also strong. Brown, feathersoft hair. Beautiful big, blue eyes. There was something about the eyes that stood out to her. She closed her own eyes and thought back to her dream.

And then she knew.

The babies' eyes were Luke's eyes. The dark, mysterious shade of blue was without a doubt Luke's. The deep and loving touch to them, it was Luke's. The long dark lashes, every woman would kill for, they were Luke's.

Baby Rory was beautiful and cute and all around perfect. But baby Ava and baby Noah even more so, because they had Luke's wonderful eyes.

Lorelai sighed heavily and let herself fall down on the couch. "Get a grip, Gilmore!" she grunted.

She covered her face with a pillow and willed her restless mind to think of something, anything else than these gorgeous babies she didn't really have. The wondering and worrying drove her crazy. Would she ever have what her dream had shown her?

Was there still a chance for an happy ending with Luke?

She felt his lips on hers and cursed herself for everything she had done wrong over the course of the last year.

She could have been pregnant by now, or at least married. But instead her betrayal had ripped apart what was left of them. She wondered, where they would be now, if she wouldn't have walked away from him in May. She wondered, how much longer they would have spent living their separate lives. Would he have let her in with April? Would she have been honest and told him how frustrated and sad she was? Would they have talked and made their way through their mess? Together?

She got up from the couch and started pacing the living room.

This had to end.

The 'What if's' that ruled her life needed to be gone, once and for all.

~.~

Early that morning Luke had left a note in the kitchen that he'd be back after the lunch rush and as promised, shortly after 2 pm the door bell rang. He had a key and Lorelai hated, that he still thought he needed to announce himself.

She was sitting on the couch again, biting her nails, lost in thought.

Luke breathed heavily and when Lorelai turned around, she saw he was carrying some big dusty cardboard box in his arms.

"What is that?" Lorelai asked, not quite as excited as she usually would have been. Her brain was still clouded from overthinking her past and future life for the last four, five hours straight.

Luke sat the box down and immediately went to open it.

He smiled at her and Lorelai saw her non-existent dream babies eyes' reflecting in them.

"I brought your old TV set!"

He lifted the heavy old tube TV from the box and walked it over to the wall where the last reminder of Christopher Hayden's presence in this house was hanging, mocking him everytime he had to look at it.

Luke went back outside, but came back quickly with Bert in his hand.

Lorelai watched him loosen the screws on the wall holder. After a few minutes, the flatscreen TV was history and the old TV Luke had once bought for the nights when Lorelai was over at his apartment, was standing in its old place on the dresser by the living room wall.

Lorelai hadn't spoken, she just watched him erase what was left of the biggest mistake she had ever made.

When he was done, he turned around, a proud and boyish smirk on his face.

"Nostalgia's back!" he said and was waiting for Lorelai's reaction.

But it didn't come.

The smirk was replaced by a concerned expression and he walked back over to her.

When he touched her arm affectionately, she melted away under the contact and his intense stare.

Hot tears sprang to her eyes. There he was - being so 'Luke' again, doing yet another considerate and wonderful thing for her. And again, there was no way she could thank him enough. How was she supposed to survive without him in her life? She felt helpless and the bottled up emotions finally spilled over.

"Can we fix this?" she managed to get out between sobs. More and more numbing sadness filled her as she remembered the hurt and devastated look in Luke's eyes, the day she told him she had slept with Christopher.

"Lorelai, what is it? What's wrong?"

She just shook her head, unable to speak, unable to even breathe.

Because he didn't know what else to do, Luke just pulled her into a tight embrace, his hands tracing up and down her back, leaving every inch of her skin on fire.

"I'm so sorry, Luke!" she finally said.

The pain and heartache overwhelmed her and she started pacing the living room again. She couldn't be near him. She didn't deserve it.

"Lorelai, stop it!" Anger bubbled up inside of Luke. "You're acting all crazy! What's wrong?"

He wanted to go after her, but she held her hand out to stop him.

"I don't deserve you, Luke!" she said as she stared out of the window.

"I've never deserved you. I mean, you were nothing but perfect, caring and kind for all these years. And I broke your heart. Again and again. I ripped it out of your chest and stomped on it like it meant nothing to me." She finally turned around, the desperate look in her red and shining eyes made him feel sick to his stomach. He was paralyzed, not able to even move an inch.

"Luke, I've made more mistakes than I can count. Not just with you, but in life in general. From the way I treated my parents, to the way I wanted Rory all to myself, to coming to this town, that so willingly and lovingly opened their arms to me and my kid. I was so selfish, I never gave back all the good that I have received from all these people. And when I met you, it was like I finally found that one friend I had been waiting for for all my life. Next to Rory, you were _the_ one good thing in my life. The one I could always count on, the one who, I thought, would never leave, would never walk away or… or let _me_ walk away. Until I screwed it all up, like I- lets face it –always do. You were _the_ one good thing I had all to myself… And when I didn't have you for myself anymore… I freaked out. You were supposed to be mine, Luke! You were always supposed to be mine! You promised me _forever_ , but forever never came. Instead you backed out and I just let it happen." She dried her tears with the sleeve of her shirt. "It was my fault, Luke. I relied on you too much. I wasn't used to you not being the strong one in our relationship. I wasn't used to you being vulnerable and in need for help. That was usually my part and when April came into our lives, well… your life… I just… I developed this tunnel vision. Just like you did too. All you saw was your kid and how you'd built a life around her to make up for all those lost years. And all I saw was how I was losing you to her, which is totally ridiculous, I know that now, but all I saw was how I was not getting my big fat Gilmore wedding and I feel like an idiot about it now."

Luke finally broke free from his daze. His stomach was turning.

"Lorelai, that's not-"

She interrupted him and walked a little closer to him. His eyes seemed to hypnotize her.

"No, please let me get this out. I feel like I'm suffocating. It's like I can't breathe. We have never really talked about any of this. And there's no way around it, but honestly? I'm so incredibly sick of talking about our past. I hate it. I hate what we've done to each other." He nodded, every word was true, and he felt the tears burning behind his lashes.

"But I know we need to get it out. We can never start over again, if we keep it all inside… You hurt me. But I hurt you way worse. Luke… I'm so sorry, I didn't give you time when you asked for it. Kids come first. Always. I understand now how wrong it was to push you like I did. You needed time with your daughter and I didn't respect that. I should have done, what you did, when Rory and I weren't speaking. I should have given you the time you needed and deserved. But I didn't... And I am _so so_ sorry Luke... I hope that one day you can forgive me."

The need to sit down overwhelmed him, but he felt unable to move.

Luke stared at Lorelai, trying to digest or even comprehend her heartfelt words. He was aware that _the talk_ needed to happen at some point, but he didn't expect it to be now. He wasn't sure if he even heard and understood everything that she had said. He tried to gather his thoughts, but time was running out. Luke had been staring at her for seconds without any kind of reaction. _Now or never_ has never been more true…

"Lorelai, I apologize if what I'm saying comes out wrong or weird or whatever. I wasn't exactly prepared for this." He took another deep breath and sat down on the couch, gesturing for her to join him.

"I guess that has always been my problem. I try, but I'm never really prepared for anything. I plan my every move, my every decision and I plan it carefully. But I wasn't prepared for April, I wasn't prepared for fighting for a kid I didn't even know I had until a year ago… But most of all, I wasn't prepared for _you_. Hell, I have never been prepared for you to be in my life. You waltzed in like a force of nature and you had me under your spell within the first day of meeting you."

A sad smile ceased her face at his words. Luke's eyes bored into her, emphasizing the meaning behind what he was about to say. "I was never prepared for the feelings you'd stir inside of me. You were always- always this dream to me."

He blushed, this conversation wasn't exactly what made him feel all comfortable and fuzzy inside.

Lorelai's bottom lip started quivering again, her beating heart ached in her chest, when he continued "I never thought that one day, the dream would come true. When I put away your horoscope I never would have thought, that one day I'd be sitting here with you. When we started dating I never would have thought that there would come a day I would screw this up, because I wanted it, wanted _you_ so badly. You have no idea how much I wanted and needed you in my life. I wasn't prepared for a lot of things I guess, but most of all, I wasn't prepared for you to leave me... Lorelai, you were everything I ever wished for." His voice trembled remarkably and she sensed that he was losing the fight. The tears threatened their way up, nothing he could do about it. Luke got up from the couch again, facing away from her. She had never seen him like that.

Every word he'd said made Lorelai's heart crumble into a million tiny, aching pieces.

"Then how did we lose it?" she asked quietly.

Luke stared at the photographs on the mantle of the fireplace. He wanted pictures of himself and April there. Of the four of them. He rubbed his hands over his eyes and tried to gain back some control.

"I screwed up Lorelai. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I screwed it up." He turned around to her, a wet stream of tears still evident on his stubbly cheek.

"It wasn't just you." Lorelai said. The ticking of the clocks was painful in her ears.

"We were both idiots." She added after a few more seconds and rose from the couch.

Luke shook his head, the muscles in his jaw flexed like she had never seen before. He struggled with his emotions yet again.

"Lorelai, I know, I should have let you in with April. I know, I shouldn't have been scared. I know, you would have helped me with everything. I know all that. And yet I don't know why I just didn't do it. I have no idea why. I wish, so badly, I could give you an answer to why I did what I did. You deserve at least that, but I simply don't have an explanation. And I feel _so_ helpless. I'm used to fixing everything and everyone around me, but this… You and me, I don't know, how to fix it!" His words came fast and breathless, raw emotions and buried feelings came to the surface. Frustration and sadness from months and years burst out of him. She definitely had never seen him like that.

His red eyes looked at her pleadingly "I want us to move on from it, to overcome it and somehow have a fresh start. And last night, when we were sitting here, as a family, it was the first time in forever that I felt like I was living that dream again. I felt right again. You and me... We were so close…"

Lorelai couldn't bear the distance between them any longer and pulled Luke into a tight embrace.

"It was right!" she whispered into his ear, sending a shiver down his spine. "And we _were_ close. We are close."

She thought, talking about it all would make her feel better, but instead it tore her apart. But maybe the saying was true: _Sometimes two people have to fall apart, to realize how much they need to fall back together._

They held onto each other for endless moments. His hands, warm and strong, caressed her back protectively. They took in the scent of each other's perfume and it made them both crazy with heartache and longing.

"I'm scared that we will never move on from… this." He admitted after a while and waited for her reaction. He could sense that she was scared too. This was about their lives, their future together. The most important decision they would ever have to make. The last try and their last chance to right the wrongs once and for all.

"But I guess, we won't find out until we try?" Luke finally asked carefully and even a little hopeful. Her head rested against his beating heart and the sweet and heavenly embrace had given him new strength.

"I'm done talking about all the mistakes that we have made. I'm done being stuck. I'm done feeling like I'm never gonna be happy again."

After a few seconds she looked up at him, mustering up the courage to tell him what had been weighing on her heart all day. She had to tell him. She needed to make sure, they would be heading into the same direction this time.

"I had a dream tonight." Lorelai tried to get her emotions under control and took a deep shaky breath.

She freed herself from the hug and sat back down on the couch, where Luke immediately joined her. He sensed she was working through something in her head, so he remained silent and waited for her to continue speaking.

"We were- you and me…" she stopped again. "God!" she hissed towards the ceiling. Couldn't she make it through one conversation without breaking into tears?

Luke took her hand, usually the gesture calmed her down. He rubbed her fingers gently and after a few more moments she did indeed calm down and continued:

"The dream I had was- well it was our life two or three years from now. We were-uh- married." She noticed how he winced a little at her words.

"We had children, Luke. A boy and a girl. I was trying to wake you to make the boy burp. Because usually he would only burp with daddy. And you were- you were his daddy." She stopped again as new tears formed in her eyes. She wiped them away with her free hand and her heart skipped another beat at Luke's loving, reassuring look at her.

"But then the boy burped and I didn't need to wake you. And I didn't want to wake you in the first place, because you were lying there on this big new wonderful couch, sleeping, our tiny perfect daughter on your chest. She was teething and you went for a midnight stroll with her, because the motion always calmed her down. So that's what you did, you dressed her, snuggled her up in the stroller and went for a walk through the town so she would fall asleep. You had forgotten to take the teething ring with you, because I had put it in the fridge, because she likes it that way. So anyway, the walk took a little while longer and when you finally came back home you must have fallen asleep with her, on the couch. The milk bottle was still standing on the table."

Her words came out so fast, even for her, that she almost tripped over each syllable. But Luke had no trouble following her train of thought, instead he held her a little closer and stroked her hand a little harder. He cleared his throat and tried a careful smile.

"What were their names? You haven't told me yet."

And with that simple question another flood of tears broke free.

Her beautiful face was framed in dried and new, wet mascara streams. Her eyes were red and puffy, her nose was running and her lips quivering. But to Luke she was still the most beautiful woman alive.

"Tell me, Lorelai. What were their names?" he tried again.

Lorelai didn't dare tell him out of sheer fear it would make her dream all the more real. And the fear it would never happen was so overwhelming, she didn't know if she could take it.

Luke placed a finger under her chin to make her look at him again. With his thumb he gently wiped her tears away. "Tell me, Lorelai, please!" he whispered with a pleading tone to his husky voice. The poetic way he said her name was out of this world.

"Ava and Noah… You chose them." Lorelai finally said, barely above a whisper. As she said it, she noticed the goosebumps that crept up Luke's arms. It made her smile and eased her pain for a moment.

His eyes were shining again and she couldn't remember a time she had ever seen him look this beautiful. Raw, unfiltered emotions spilled out of them, something he rarely allowed himself to show.

Seconds ticked down where they were just looking at each other, taking in each other's pain and hurt of the past and hopes and dreams for the future.

There was no turning back now. They had come so far in just a few weeks.

His heart was racing.

"I love you."

And just like that, it was out. After months of fighting it, months of trying to hate her for what she had done, months of trying to forget her and everything she ever meant to him, he had to admit, he failed.

He would never not be there for her. And he would never not love her.

After the inital shock had subsided, Lorelai leaned in to kiss him. The tension in the room was tangible. Tiny sparks ignited everywhere and set them both on fire.

Months had passed where she kept telling herself, she didn't need him and she would be better off without him. Months of trying to forget how much he had hurt her. Months of trying to forget years of intense and wonderful friendship and the deep connection they had always shared right from the start.

She had to admit, she failed. She could never be without him. He was everything she ever needed, the only one to hold her heart.

As her lips closed around his, bright, loud fireworks exploded all around her. His tender lips, longing, desperate for her kiss, kissed her back with an intensity that showed her just how much he had missed her too. His hand went into her hair and he tightened his grip on her. Oh how she loved the way he held her tight. He couldn't let her go, he wanted, he needed to be as close to her as he possibly could.

Panting and breathless she rested her head against his, when they came up for air. Another tear slipped out of the corner of her eyes.

"I love you too, Luke! I've never stopped loving you!"

The fraction of a second later they were kissing again.

Hot, passionate kisses left their bodies wanting for more. Lorelai got up from the couch and dragged him along with her.

She pressed her body against his and his arms went to her waist immediately. They were masters in this game of kissing and teasing. He pulled her closer to him. Not even a sheet of paper would have fit between them. Their mouths were duelling, hungry, wanting for more, dancing the dance they had perfected so long ago. The fireworks never stopped. They were brighter and stronger than ever, when Lorelai felt Luke's body react to their close connection.

She tore herself away from him for a moment to catch some much needed breath.

"From this day on, Luke, promise me-" she took another deep breath, "Promise me, we'll tell each other everything, ok? We will not take this for granted. We will not make the same stupid mistakes all over again. Promise me-" her eyes bored into his "Promise me- you will be there. No matter how crazy I act, or how annoying and exhausting I may be… Promise me, you won't let me leave again."

He breathed a sweet kiss to her swollen, raspberry colored lips.

"I promise."

He laid his hands on her cheeks and she almost crawled into his gentle touch. Luke lined her face with his fingers, making every hair on her body stand up in attention.

"And you promise me, no more running away. No more hiding. No more keeping problems and anger to yourself. You need to talk to me, Lorelai. Always! If I'm being an idiot, tell me!"

Lorelai nodded sincerely and waited for him to continue.

"I want to have this life you were dreaming of. I want these kids, I want sleepless nights and toys and milk bottles lying around everywhere. I want to take midnight strolls with our teething daughter. I want to dress my son in ridiculous plaid flannel onesies and tiny baseball caps, if that's what'll make you happy."

She beamed at him, he knew her so well.

"I want all of that. And I want it with you. There is nothing-" he emphasized the word again " _nothing_ in this world, that I love more than you. Well, at least until these babies arrive." He winked at her and her heart melted away again. "Promise me, from now on, you will believe me when I say, I'm in. I am all in. _Forever_. Those weren't lies, Lorelai. I meant everything I said. Promise me, you will never doubt me or my love for you, ever again. Because to me, you are my whole world."

She grinned at him, her eyes sparkling full of joy and happy tears. "Now that was corny."

Luke smiled back at her as he leaned in to kiss her again, his expression serious. "I don't care one bit."

Lorelai closed her eyes and met him halfway, "Good!" she whispered lovingly.

Underneath the mistle toe their lips crashed together for another long-awaited, long-desired kiss. They were addicted to each other and they didn't care. Nothing mattered. They were starting to right the wrongs and nothing had ever felt this wonderful before.

The match made in heaven would finally happen after all.

When the tension became too overwhelming, they blindly made their way up the stairs, not letting go of each other for one second.

It was time to finally reconcile for good.

It was time to come back home.


End file.
